It's a wrap!

I have my attention squarely focused on not keeping up with this blog. Though at times I thought I would never let it go... alas, I have done just that. For now we'll call it a wrap and be proud of this adventure called blogging. I love every pic, sentence and typo entered here. I have really wanted to break through and write wide open about raw life lessons and goings-on, and I feel like (at times) I did just that.
Mission accomplished.
Blog, you have a permanent place in my heart and now I must begin printing you.
It's been fun!
Goodbye.

Spring is here!

We are s glad that the warm weather is slowly making it's way back. It's been nearly a year since I began staying home and I must admit that the warm months make this job divine. I get inspired when the sun gleams and grass grows around us. I want to travel, clean clutter and make plans. Winter simply doesn't do it for me. I need pastels and day trips and flip flops to be able to feel glee.
The girls are growing so fast. This time last year Tori still needed me to hold her fingers while she walked. When I think of how my back (not my heart) wished that away I could cry.
Bella was into building tents and playing under bedsheets. She still plays but her imagination has soared to new heights. She's in her head with games and toys and it's funny to listen and remarkable to see.
Now, Tori is talking. Her first word was "Bella" in Januaryish of 09. Now she can communicate in one word spurts when she sees something, wants something or Bella has done something. That chapter seems to be just beginning. Bella is Tori's true love and when Bella's gone Tori looks for he and calls her name. Bella sometimes does the same when Tori is taking a nap or away visiting Grandma.
There is so much to do with them now that Tori's old enough to go out and enjoy more. We go to the parks, parades, libraries (though they've closed a lot of them in our area), and shopping.
I still can't shop for myself with them around. We can grocery shop, but there is no way to keep them entertained or obedient while I check out a clothing sale.
The pain in my arms has all but gone away. Tori is so heavy now that she gets uncomfortable when she's held too long. She loves to snuggle sometimes and that is sweet, but she's a chunky monkey right now. She is assertive with what she wants too. She has found her voice and uses it quite a bit. She can scream over Bella to get what she needs first. It's almost totally impossible to make her do something she doesn't want to do which has brought discipline to a new level for her. She goes to time out on demand but thinks it's a game. She cries, screams, slaps and kicks during a tantrum or just spontaneously t get a reaction. She's a hoot, as my grandmother would say.
Life's really good right now. We are enjoying the season and loving the girls.
It's very special, and I can't say enough about it.

Bella's 4

It's clear that my first born is not a baby, doesn't want to be called my baby or be compared to anything that has to do with babies. She's 4!
She models her princess dresses, dreams of playing in a fairyland and writes her ABC's. She draws us pictures and wants to have discussions about words and her experiences and takes time to drink up life.
Her spirit is remarkable, and this picture (though taken last Christmas) shows her modeling a bit, her long hair and her precious smile.
There really isn't anything better to me than my girls and, it's true that she made me a mother, but she also makes me love being a mother.
I love you my precious angel.
Happy Birthday!!!

I'm back.

If I'm not going to bother with posts that rant or outline every move we make, the least I can do is post some pics of the cuties for the memories.
These are from the Christmas season where Bella sang at school, wrapping gifts at the table together and walking uptown with Grammy and Pop. We had a great time!!

Making Peace

It's been quite a while since my last post and it seems like a hundred things have happened. We celebrated Halloween with some great neighbors. Bella was Belle and Tori was a pink poodle... who refused to wear the hat part that looked like a poodle. Basically, she looked like a pink ball of fluff.
Mom has had her share of ups and downs with meds and situations that may make her move again.
My cousin Nick passed away and that sent shockwaves through the family as he was only 28 years old.
Momaw is in the hospital with heart problems and we are all praying for her safe return home without any incident. She needs to have multiple procedures and she's scared.
I would be too.
Tori is blossoming beautifully and growing like a weed.
Here are some Tori-isms:
"huppa" this means she wants what's on top of the fridge- pretzels, crispix etc..., or that she wants you to pick her up or get on the bed.
"soos" she has a passion for shoes
"baby" no need to explain
"apple"
"puppies"
"hat"
"pizza" she loves pizza
"milk" also loves milk
She's also learned to shake that little head no if she wants to, do the "If you're happy and you know it" dance and play lots of peek-a-boo.
It's been truly wonderful being home this Fall. We made leaf banners in wax paper. Took a "nature walk" down the street and took a lot of cute pics!!
Bella was dancer of the week last week, sooooo cute to have a sign that said that in our yard all week.
Unfortunately the girls have caught 5 or six colds since August which caused 2 ear infections and a sinus infection. It really is pitiful all the mucus that swells their faces and causes pain. Pre-school has a drawback- the germ pool.
There's been just about every emotion imaginable going through our hearts.
Thanksgiving was different too. Not because of food or travel or anything like that, but knowing my aunt will never have her first born home for another holiday is painful. Sisters are missing the big brother and his friends are plain dumbfounded.
I couldn't imagine. All my love of family is amplified since his passing, and the awareness of how fragile life is resounds.
I'm looking forward to the Christmas spirit filling our home and the girls.
We need spirit now that the cold weather will be keeping us inside more.
It's time to get creative!

quick pix

Just to update, we've really been keeping busy and trying to enjoy every warm day that we encounter.
Our first "family of four" trip to the beach was exciting and challenging. It was interesting to say the least.
The girls are growing and hitting milestones like crazy. Tori is trying to talk. We can catch words here and there. She's trying to run too, so that's fun.
They are growing but they really are little and precious, angelic even.
Pumpkin time is upon us and thanks to Grandma, Bella had a great time painting some. We have started our decor at the front door and are getting into the spirit. I have tons of pics to post and will try to do more soon.
I must have a thousand to get developed s, don't take it personally blog, I'm slackin all over!

Unloading

Ok, so I never really started that other blog and I truly think I should be able to unload anywhere I want to. This is my place of expression and if you don't like it don't look at it.
So, here it is.
Someone in my family is sick with a terrible and highly stigmatized disease and it disturbs me because I am powerless and one day it will take her life.
Another person in my family has trouble seeing through all the BS he/she tells itself and abuses some disgusting crap, and that disturbs me.
I may have a tiny bit of an anger issue about certain things and I personally need to get a handle on it, and that disturbs me.
I had nightmares just about every night last week.
Disturbed, I'm telling you.
I am at home with the girls most of my day. We do things together and get out in the fresh air to play and chat. But my issues/ disturbances are always hanging over my head like a raincloud reading to rumble with thunder and drench me with pouring rain.
I could cry at any given moment.
I know that my home life is storybook these days and that I deserve to have all the joy in the world knowing I have this, but why can't I let some things go?
How do people with these issues let out anger and disgust?
I try to live a healthy life and I just don't feel like I am totally healthy emotionally right now.
Recently I read that the last thing a guy/ husband wants in his relationship is a woman with emotional problems.
WHOA! My husband seems like he's one of those types. He is pretty stable emotionally with dips here and there, and he expects me to be the same. I wish I could live up to that.
To keep this short, (ha!) I wish I had a place to channel the negative energy that I get when learning facts about the aforementioned and wrote more often and better. I need to write.

I e-mailed Sweet/Salty Kate and got some advice from her.
She said I should just dump out about 5 stories from my life that evoked emotion and let it hurt but heal. She said to form the rough stories into a piece and put together a generally interesting article.
I've talked before about writing an article for a magazine and having it published in hopes of possibly having a published book one day.
I would then need to interject some medical facts from scholarly article to back up some claims and information I've learned and dealt with throughout the years.
I need motivation, courage and skill.
I also need materials, time and a willing magazine/ publisher.
I need to be heard.
I feel like my voice is lost. It's not necessarily lost in those closest to me but it's not meaningful either.
I probably just need therapy, but this way I might help someone too.