About Me

I am getting better acquainted with the things that are causing me the pain of TMS. Last night I cleaned until I couldn't clean any more without waking up Bella. When I got up this morning and put my feet on the floor the bottoms of my feet stung. I love clean, neat and organized. My desk, my car, and my house can only be a slight mess, once full messiness has set in, it's overhaul time. I can't think with a mess.

In my mind, I can't have any overhanging emotion without it taking me over. So, in the event that my mom is ticking me off (for example) I just go ahead and cut to the chase and tell her what bothers me and I don't mince or sweeten words. I might be feeling a little guilty about that. It doesn't only happen with my mom and it doesn't always happen with words. I know this may sound far out but, the book I have on this condition is like reading a pre-med text book but worse. I'm trying to figure out where this pain, that's been going on for over a year, is coming from. Wish me luck.

I never thought I would say this...

Goodbye beetles
goodbye spiders,
goodbye snakes that I hate.
Goodbye 90's,
goodbye drought,
goodbye things keeping me in my house.
Come hither fair weather,
let us get together,
to walk and to play
and show Bella what it means to clean out,
the air, the trees
and water the grass, Please!



Today the water restrictions were tightened. I am so sick of the heat, the bugs and the fact that I can't water anything that I am ready to see the season change already.

BUT, I already miss my flowers!

@#&*%! Monday

It's Monday and my attitude is not any better. I just cussed the printer out in Spanish a couple times and then asked it if I could help it die. That's a pretty good indication that today might be rough.

---------------------------

I had a great birthday and I was so reminded of how much fun I used to have. We went dancing and stayed up far too late. We picked up Bella the next morning and I could swear she had grown an inch. The girl is getting bigger and I am dumbfounded that she used to be my squishy baby. (pictured above)

---------------------------

Other than going out on Friday my weekend was just as low key as it could get. I enjoyed that and I wish I were repeating it today.

Year 29...fine

So, today is my birthday and I have already gotten some really nice gifts like perfume, sweaters, pants, boots and more. But, nature has given me PMS. I think it's ironic when I have PMS on celebratory days because it makes it hard to listen to the happy birthday song twelve times and smile about it again. I also have thick cloudy weather overhead to welcome my 29th year. And any minute now it's going to rain that misty stuff that makes your windshield wipers squeak every time they swish the glass. I know I am not little miss sunshine anyway but I really think that I should have stayed home today and celebrated my PMS, I mean birthday, by my grumpy, bloated self.
At least I can laugh about it. We'll see how long that lasts.

Welcome Fall!

Oh what a precious beach baby I have. She loved the beach so much more than she did earlier this season. We played and ran around like crazy and left with sunshine sprinkled all over us.

I don't think I will be going to the beach with such a big crowd again, but I am glad that I went and I am glad that I'm home to get back to...well...family stuff.

September is probably the most beautiful month at the beach. I was engaged in Isle of Palms this date 4 years ago and it was picture perfect!

Also, today Bella is 19 months old. The months are going by faster and faster. Tomorrow I will be 29. And, that reminds me of my grandmother who always said her age was "29 and holding," with a big grin to punctuate her statement. I know this is probably too short of a post but there are some things that I just haven't quite gotten over yet to move on to more free writing and picture posting.

Last, but not least, I want to welcome Leslie to Blogspot.com. She too became inspired by the bloggers I told her about and began blogging at leslie78.blogspot.com. She's going through a lot right now and I hope that when she posts blogs she can out her feelings and move on to all of her new beginnings. That will make sense if you read her stuff.

"The times they are a changin'"

The cool cat allows the nonthreatening toddler to lay next to him during an evening stretch.
A birds eye view of a very happy, nearly naked, toddler taking a break from swooshing through the thick humidity.
A huge fan of Beauty and the Beast totally hypnotized with the enchanted castle. She's sitting in her beach chair while brushing her teeth and wearing the latest in toddler headband fashion.
A proud mama and her nude beginner swimmer. I lost my first tooth beside this lake and I am so lucky to have parents who insist on having her be a water baby.

There's not a lot of time left to enjoy the heat of the Summer. The weather tonight is cool and crisp and just plain refreshing. The evenings of Bella running around in nothing but a diaper will fade, my inviting backyard will begin to slack off at entertaining my 18 month old while I cook and clean. But, I must admit, the weather tonight did give me a quite the start. Not only is it evident that the seasons are changing but so is the life I have known for 18 months. The atmosphere in my family life will soon be a memory. Everyone knows I am going to be trying to have another baby, but these are some priceless moments with Bella during, hopefully, her last summer as an only child. This summer was bittersweet. I will reminisce about the learning leaps Bella has taken and the tremendous growth in my marriage. (I think we are really getting the hang of this.) But, I also see, as my Dad put it, these are my good ole days.

I am an extremely emotional person, and I get it honestly. I cried so hard this June while watching a television show about Charlotte high school graduates. The valedictorians were giving their speeches. When one of the speeches ended a slow song played with the lyrics "Eighteen years have come and gone..." Cue the sobbing. And this mommy of (at the time, a16 month old!) was a mess thinking of how fast it really does fly by.

All-in-all the summer was a good time had by all. Many memories, milestones, 4 or our friends had children that turned one year old this year and hopefully I have enough pictures and journals to bring me back to this great feeling that I'm having right now.

Dark and Gloomy

To use a Grey's Anatomy reference, this post is going to be dark and gloomy. You've been warned.

I just turned around from my desk to look through our glass front door at our office. Outside was a teenage boy walking in the driving rain. He was wearing familiar colors in his khaki pants, white polo shirt, and around his waist was a goldenrod sweatshirt. Because of those colors he must attend a school down the street. I pass the school and the students all the time. This school is not a regular high school it's one that kids are sent to when they need to reconstruct their habits and attendance. AKA, they've been kicked out of public school.
As I watch him walking I fear for him that some mean, hungry, down and out character will approach him and rob him for just a couple bucks. He looks defenseless and alone.
I have had some feelings like this for myself when I'm in an unfamiliar place and I could be caught off guard from someone who has spent many days waiting for a unsuspecting victim to come along and rob them of their money, dignity or life. As a mother I am always distracted with this fear. To keep the fear out is too difficult so I embrace it and trust it with my life. Things happen so often the news can hardly keep up some days.
Such as the below experience...
Charleen (my stepmother) and I were driving in her car along N. Tryon the other day and we happened to witness a man being beaten senseless. Since we were in her car Charleen had the instinct to pull over and call the cops and wait there to make sure this person was caught or at least try to get a good look at him.
The feet of the person he was beating were dangling in the street as if he was unconscious and couldn't move or fight back. The man on top of him was swinging relentlessly and Charleen feared this man's feet were going to be run over by a oncoming car and she nearly cried at the thought of it.
Dozens of people were around. None stood to watch but dozens saw this and did nothing. No one tried to stop him! It was unbelievable.
The beater moved the victim's feet from the street curb and continued to assault him. Then, as if his energy was spent or his mission accomplished, the beater stood and began to walk away. Just as he rounded the corner on foot away from N. Tryon, a police car drove up, probably looked at the beater's face and continued to drive away.
This infuriated me! We called the cops, here was a cop, and he didn't even stop. Didn't he know? He can still catch the assaulter! I wanted so badly for this man to go to jail he risked the life of this victim and for what, drugs? If that's all he got caught for I would have been satisfied. The cop kept driving and we caught up with him by car about a mile away. He hadn't heard the bulletin over the dispatch or at least he didn't reference it when he spoke with us. He went to the scene and OF COURSE the man was gone and so was the victim.
Very strange.
I know this stuff happens every day in a lot of places. But, we were probably the only people stopped and trying to help this victim but, to no avail.

TGI Thursday

I am excited about this weekend. Some people are coming over tomorrow, I leave for the beach on Sunday, and best of all I get almost a week's break from work. When I say work, I don't mean just my job but the daily grind. I drive so far for work, to pick up Bella, and back home. I rush everywhere and rarely seem to get ahead with housework or cooking or relaxing. But, now that we are going to the beach with great friends I hope to make some memories and come home with priceless pictures. It's intoxicating when you sense a really remarkable experience getting ready to happen. I just want it to be here already. Bring it!

Could be worse...

My pain used to be so bad that I had to wash my hair with my head upside down. I couldn't lift my arms, sit, lay or sleep comfortably. It wore me out. I barely wanted to pick up Bella because it hurt so bad and then I was diagnosed with TMS and I began to read about it and then..taa daa... I felt better! It was the strangest thing ever. Lately I have been very stiff. I can't sit or lay in one position without feeling pain. I don't know how long this will last but I feel like I have had it forever. I only read half the book so maybe it will help if I finish it. Hmmm.
Read about TMS below...

Fear the TMS

TMS as described on RSIWarrior.com
An alternative view pioneered mainly by Dr John E. Sarno hypothesizes that repetitive strain injuries and other pain syndromes are entirely psychosomatic in nature and not caused by underlying musculoskeletal injuries. According to Sarno, emotional stress eventually manifests itself as physical pain through tensed, oxygen constricted muscles. Sarno calls this condition Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS). The muscle pain in TMS is similar to what athletes might feel after strenuous workouts. The difference is that for athletes pain relief usually occurs within moments of completing the workout whereas RSI sufferers have constant, lingering pain. TMS says that the brain latches onto tension to divert attention from underlying negative emotions. By doing this, the brain manages to suppress the negative emotions deeper into the unconscious levels. This can lead to a disastrous cycle where negative emotions cause RSI pain, which end causing more stress and negative emotions and transitively more pain. Sarno boasts very high rates of treatment success (85% - 95%) with his approach, and many RSI sufferers have claimed complete recoveries from adopting this regime.
If you have had RSI lingering for longer than a few months, it is recommended that you pay attention to this section.
In the context of computer related RSI, the physiological output of TMS is reduced blood flow to the hands resulting in mild ischemia and a buildup of waste materials (the toxin output of hand muscle movements). This causes varying degrees of pain and sometimes muscle spasms. Before making a self-diagnosis of TMS, it is recommended that you consult a medical professional to rule out much more serious problems (like tumors).
Symptoms of TMS:
No conventional treatment seems to bring lasting results, you’ve tried everything and nothing works.
You’re a “Type T” personality, (If you prefer to decide on the basis of objective logic, using an analytic and detached approach, then your preference is for Thinking"T".)
If you prefer to decide using values and/or personal beliefs, on the basis of what you believe is important or what you or others care about, then your preference is for Feeling"F". Common personality traits include: Perfectionist, self-motivated, ambitious, neat and organized, in control, responsible, self-critical, tendency to feel guilty.
Pain plays a large role in your life. You think about it and/or experience it frequently.
You have a history of psychosomatic conditions, not necessarily clinically diagnosed. Earlier trauma or eating disorder for example.
The pain coincides with or started at a stressful periods of your life.

I am having a painful week and I wondering what the heck to do about it!

From Newark to Heaven

Today is 9-11. The anniversary of the day when too many parents, and beloved family members went to work and never came home. Too many travelers with trusting faithful souls were burglarized of their chance to live and thrive. It's too much for me to expand on. I always appreciate the memorials on television because I like to cry about it and remember those people. Some quotes that got me today "I'm looking at those buildings but I don't see buildings I see people." From another, "I was in Manhattan on my honeymoon and I was supposed to go to the trade center that morning, but I overslept." And another one, "When everyone in my (military) unit watched it we jumped up and grabbed our rifle ready to kick some ass."
I think that goes for most of us...ready to kick ass. Those towers represent people and innocence lost.
--------------------------------------
On a different note. This also marks the anniversary of the day I fell in love with television news and journalism. All of the coverage and all of the emotion linked to the circumstance made me feel connected and awake. News does that for me. It gives me a link to everything else when my personal life can drive me nuts, I just tune in to the news and listen to the city, national or world topics and my sights are broadened and I once again feel blessed, miniscule and connected.

Flattered

I was just goofing off and looking for maternity clothes on the net (because as I remember that mine SUCK,) and I saw those beautiful pregnant models on gap.com. Then I thought of my wedding photographer because she wanted to take pics of me when I got pregnant. She did such an extra special job on our wedding pics and I love her so much as a creative person. So, I pulled up her website (http://www.julietphotography.com/) and there we were, models on her web site. I know there are a lot of pics on the web site, I mean it is a photography site after all. But we are on the first page romantically engaged in a dip. People from Charlotte or people coming to Charlotte for a wedding will shop for photographers and see us! Very flattering. Pretty much our whole wedding album is on there under the storybook albums tab. As well as one of my bridal portraits.

Thanks Julie. (Her name is Julie too.)

Little drummer girl

My Daddy has played drums for a long time and now he may have a new fan. Bella has rhythm and loves to bang on anything drum-like. She plays like the trash can cover is a bongo and hops to her own beat, she bangs the xylophone and brings it to whomever will play it with her and looks on enviously. I grew up dancing and never had the urge to play an instrument, but it is so neat to see my girl love music at such a young age and try to play it. She loves to dance too but there's something about playing the drums, to her that's just heaven.

Stirred up

After my last post I realized something...I am so excited that I can hardly stand it. I am getting back on the most joyful and fulfilling roller coaster a woman can be on and the power and significance that it has on my life is lifting my soul up so high that it's scaring me.

Bella is still a baby to me. When she says a new word it's as if we are seeing the ocean for the first time, it's remarkable. This tiny being has grown and come so far that she will soon speak to us in sentences. I know it sounds like we never expected this but in a way it is surreal.

This is a pic of us during her first sleep smiles. During this period I had no other responsibility but to feed and pamper my newborn. I loved so much about it and remember so little which is weird because it felt like it went on forever. What will it be like next time? What will it be like with Bella?

I have become more comfortable with the fact that this will probably be very hard and very stressful at times and taxing on my nerves. But, I am still scared. After last time I have chronic pain symptoms, I carry a different shaped body, I rarely get out to do for myself, and that's all fine, but I don't want to be an emotional mess to my kids.

Tommy asks me sometimes, are you sure you're ready for this?

If I were to yell YES! and grin with ignorance wouldn't he wonder about my faculties?

Oops...I almost went off on a rant again. I am trying to look positive here and it won't help anything if I start delving into what I went/am still going/after 18 months cannot figure out what's wrong with me/ through.

Truth is, inside my soul I never thought that I would be so lucky. So lucky to have the health, wealth and happiness that fills most of my daily life. There is too much for me to be thankful for and sometimes I forget to look at it with the eyes of the humble Christian that I am and say, I really have it made.

Isn't it weird when people write what you are thinking...

Sweet/Salty is a blogger who wrote this (and nailed something on the head. She is describing how it feels to be pregnant and then having possible issues) ... it's just anxiety. The anxiety doesn't cease. I am planning another child and I am very anxious about it.



Even with the freshest of slates, getting pregnant requires a huge leap of faith. You may have a glorious labour and a robust baby only to have that same child become sick ten years later. Or, twenty years later, fall in with a bad crowd and become addicted to some vice and break your heart. To become a parent is to become unspeakably vulnerable, but there can’t be true joy, or discovery, or growth, without risk. Everyone knows this, senses it on some primal level...



Granted, I had a perfectly healthy child the first time. I expect the same the next time, so does my husband. But anything can happen.



I am comparing the preparation to my second skydiving adventure. I had more nervous problems the second time than I did the first. This, I believe, was because I knew what to expect and that was...ANYTHING! Anything can happen and you are never more reminded of that than when someone else holds the reins and you freefall into the beautiful abyss of trust and faith.



I wigged out!