In Love

The bonds are strengthening and as Tori pulls out her first smiles and coos we are falling in love.

The bond I have with Bella is unshakable and now I am growing closer to my new daughter and it feels wonderful. Bella is sensing the changes. She has to share me. She is in love too in her own way. She goes up to Tori and says she's cute and that she wants to hold her, but she also lets out some jealous comments now and then. She sees the baby sleep in our room, held in our arms and is fed her bottle with gazes and smiles.

Bella will love being a sister. If their personalities are as similar as their looks then they will be best friends.

Tommy is such a rock. His emotional state always appears put together while I torture myself with little stresses. He makes me fall in love with him over and over daily with his compartmentalizing skills.

As you can see I am enchanted by the family right now. I have been through some very blue moments and they may return but all in all I am doing quite well... as long as I stay home. I'm not very adventurous yet.

Pressure

Today marks Tori's 3rd week. She is thriving and growing fast. It's hard to believe that it's already been that long. BUT, it really isn't that long at all. You see, I have been feeling pressure. I don't know if it's me being sensitive or if it's real, but I feel like I'm being pushed. I need more time to heal. My body is not ready for even the smallest outing with both of my kids by myself. My emotions barely handle the mundane, much less the dramatic. And, I certainly can't be trusted with responsibilities further than me and my baby. I need more time.
The pressure comes from all around. Bella pressures me to play and horse around and some of that is fun for me too, but to her there's never enough.
Tori pressures me. She needs more milk now. I am pumping only and I have to stimulate that milk with more pumping. It takes a lot of patience to sit and pump ten times a day.
Marriage produces pressure to stand up and be the partner that you once were but certainly are not at this moment.
Family and friends pressure me to call and keep them abreast of every little thing. I can't remember what day it is sometimes and people are getting their feelings hurt because I haven't called, invited or sent pictures. I haven't even begun to design a birth announcement... GASP!
I just can't move fast enough for some people. It's all because I'm not ready.
I need more time. I'm almost 30. Not 20. I can't be held up to old standards. I just can't.

What it is

Since I've been home with the new baby a routine is making itself. It's not fun but it's here to stay for a while and it involves the sweetest gift. So, it's not a complaint just a statement.
sun rises
bottle warming
sleepy mommy feeding very sleepy baby
fight with baby to wake her up...after all she did just wake me up
one hour passes
clean pumping accessories
pump milk for next bottle
try to get once very sleepy baby back to sleep
fail at that
stay up
get Bella out of bed for breakfast
wish no one needed to eat and everyone would just sleep til noon
eat breakfast
put baby down to sleep
take Bella to Mom's
come home and nap
feed baby
clean pumping accessories
pump milk
wonder why I can't successfully nurse a baby at my breast
wish formula didn't make babies scream in agony
listen to the pump (it talks, you know)
wonder why babies have their days and nights mixed up
wonder how possible it is for me to go on like this
take a nap
wake up feeling guilty for sleeping on a beautiful day
pump milk
try to feed very sleepy baby
rock very sleepy baby and smell top of her head...mmmmm
rub her cheeks and arms to try and commit to memory the tender moment
greet Bella as she comes home
wonder when Bella will forgive me for dedicating a lot of attention to her sister
Bella screams, "I can't like a Mommy."
no forgiveness today
go blog about it all
play outside on swing set
realize the nursing pads never made it back into tank top
nice
cook dinner
give bath
take shower
read stories
sing songs
pretend that I'm not having emotional issues (I am a bad faker)
have emotional issues
clean something furiously
brush teeth
what is floss again?
climb in to bed to watch boob tube
pump milk
wake sleepy baby to feed her
lay her down to sleep more
sleepy baby not so sleepy anymore
baby naps
12am mommy lays down
2am baby wakes up
1 hour feeding and pumping time
3am-ish mommy lays down
5am baby wakes up
feed baby
baby does not want to go back to sleep
7am baby may go back to sleep
mommy lays down
9am Bella wakes up and it all begins again.

Whew.
I'm tired.

I am still in awe. She is so beautiful and we are so proud of her. The visits have slowed and we are getting used to the newborn world again. It's all so tender and sentimental that my words aren't doing it justice. Anyway, these pics are some of the best. Babies are squirmy.

New Arrival

We have a new baby girl. Victoria Ann was born 7-3-08. She's perfect and we are so blessed. The delivery went well. I am feeling fine. I may have a milk duct issue, but other than that all is well. Blogging is out of the question for now. I will post pics ASAP. She is beautiful. She weighs 7 lbs and 3 ozs. Coincidence. Anyway, I just thought I would post this and hopefully it will spawn more motivation to keep up.
Welcome to the world baby girl!

Thank you sir may I have another...

day if being pregnant.
I'm due to deliver this baby TODAY! However, I don't believe that's going to happen. I had another bout of false labor, but no signs since then. The TMI of it all is there hasn't even been any loss of the "plug". As far I can tell all is in tact and could stay for another month. If it was 1970 the doctor would probably leave me to wait that long. Luckily, my doctor will induce me Sunday evening, making the baby due 7-7-08, which sits really well with Tommy. He's a little obsessed with numbers.
That's all I have to report. I'm just trying to relax, get everything in order and spend all kinds of quality time with Bella. We keep telling her about the new addition coming to the fam but she's not quite getting it yet. The baby will be here soon enough, so I am entertaining myself with very quiet moments, television, errands and naps.