108 days and counting

It's been 108 days since I became a SAHM. In the beginning, I was in disbelief that I was so lucky to be waking up every morning for the sole purpose of caring for our girls. I still marvel at that simple fact. Now, the novelty comes and goes.
After the initial novelty I found my groove in a daily routine. I made sure all went smoothly and everyone was entertained as much as possible. I thought I conquered the job and I was officially a professional mom.
Now, I see a new dawn emerging. There needs to be a balance. I must include myself as a socially functioning 30-year-old in my weekly plan. I have all but cut out my gym visits. I have no "dates" with my husband, however, we try very hard to stay connected and communicate as much as possible. I don't write very often. However, I have been able to start reading more (now that I've figured out the library book layout at the library) which makes me very happy. It's an escape, for sure!!
That's what I need... an escape. I need a ballet class, or a meditation session or something to recharge my proverbial "me" battery.
Today, like many other days this summer, the girls and I went to the pool. We played, I watched the girls try to swim, and it was nice. It was nice because I was out of the house with my girls and we were able to go to a place that I wasn't responsible for cleaning and we could just "be".
But, as I laid awake tonight in my bed, I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to swim. I have been in a pool numerous times and, for some strange reason, I refuse to swim.
I just want to let go and do some laps. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until I forget where I am. I want to pretend I am in my parents above ground pool in the 1990's ducking under the water, eyes open, belly almost touching the bottom.
I want to graze my hand over the dip from the shallow end to the deep end feeling the liner laying over the lumpy earth.
I want to lay on the bottom of that pool and linger, as I did as a teeager and consider almost nothing while doing so.
I need to loosen up.
The girls don't need to know that Mommy needs less responsibility today. They don't deserve the frustrated me that surprises them in my fits of anger over the 7th poop in the tub this month, or the three-peat pattern Bella has adopted when communicating about almost anything. They deserve the best and I feel waaaaay less than perfect lately.
I hope they know I try hard every day to be a little less tense. Some days are better than others though, that's for sure.
Most days may not be filled with magic or mystery but I hope they see that I try to fill them with niceties and love.
Meanwhile, I need to strike a balance. I need to get my shoulders away from my ears and have a drink... without them.
I could try to do some laps and put myself back on the list soon. It will do us all good. I've said it before, I would not trade this time for anything! But, I may want to add a little to it and make it more pleasant for all.