Since Tori's birthday is tomorrow I looked through some pictures to purposely conjure up the emotions from her birth. The emotions, I fear, will come up at every birthday, every event that both the girls take part in, and every milestone they cross. I am sure to be the weeping mother choking back every tear to keep them from constantly saying, "Oh, mom. STOP IT!"
I just can't help but think that my baby won't be a baby much longer. The gummy grins and wobbly legs will be replaced with gaped teeth and dancing feet. This is all very wonderful, but I just can't take it.
I totally wish I could just keep giving birth to them both over and over every year forever because that would be easier that facing the fact that my girls can only be my babies for so long.
It's pathetic to be this way and pathetic to cry over something so sweet and cute as a baby turning one, but no one really knows until they have their own. It kind of catches one by surprise.
I selfishly want them both to stay small and totally dependent on me for, well, longer than a couple of years!
Is that so awful?
My grandmother made me promise that I wouldn't grow up when I was little. I know she's happy that I turned out okay. But sometimed she really just wants to see her little Julie, who stood 4 feet tall and looked at her with glorious, childish wonder and delight.
I knew I was going to grow up. I knew I wanted to have my own children and now that I have them ,I fear I will never be able to let go.
I know they have to grow and I know how lucky we are to have their health and happiness. I simply don't know what shape I would be in right now if their first years had been any less smooth and enchanting.
Tomorrow will be emotional for me, but I like it. I can always use a good cry and if all I have to cry about is my baby turning one day older, then some things are obviously going well.
Happy birthday tomorrow, Tori. I hope to post something better for you tomorrow.
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