To be (a boy) or not to be (a boy)...

On Christmas Eve we had our first ultrasound. We knew it was too early to tell what the sex of the baby was. But, we hoped someone would be able to tell us anyway. The pictures showed a small perfect baby and that was enough of a Christmas gift for the rest of my life. But then we saw in the fuzzy picture a little white protrusion that looked like it may be growing into a penis. My husband and I would never want one sex over the other. Our little girl has brought us so much pure joy that we would be ecstatic to have another girl. But the curiosity looms... what would our son be like? Well, we may be finding out the answer to that question soon. I have more ultrasounds scheduled and during one of them I have a feeling that we will hear the words with confidence that, "IT'S A BOY!"

Merry Craziness!!

Let the craziness begin. Today I have my daughter at work, have to leave work early to finish Christmas shopping and get her nap in, clean my house a little for Monday so I'm not overwhelmed when I get back from a trip to my Grandmother's house 4 and a half hours away. Whew. I'm tired just typing it.
Merry Christmas everyone. May you make some great memories, feel the spirit of the holiday and get some great gifts!!

Great quote of an office dweller...

"my thunder thighs are causing me poor circulation in my legs due to sitting on my ass all day in this chair - I think I need to quit for medical reasons."

Thanks Amy G.

I think I will make this a regular segment on my blog. There are a lot of funny things said in the office to cut the tension.

Nausea alphabet

These are things that make me nauseous from A-Z. I've been wanting to do this for a while...

a- apple (as of yesterday), apricot scrub
b- broccoli
c- cat drool (you don't have to be preg to hate that)
d- dish detergent
e- enormous crowds of people
f- farts
g- garbage cans
h- hairspray
i- incense
j- jello with fruit inside
k- Kellogg's cereal
l- laundry detergent
m- meat (mostly preparing it)
n- nutty bars
o- over eating
p- perfume
q- quarrelling with my stepmother
r- running
s- shampoo
t- Tyson chicken fingers
u- underpants that aren't mine
v- Volkswagen beetle (older models) exhaust, vitamins
w- wrapping presents
x- (nothing comes to mind)
y- yelling from someone other than me
z- zealous parents

I hope this passes soon. I need to move on and eat more meat. That's why I fainted last time, I think.

"You do what works and you teach people how to treat you." -Dr. Phil

I love Dr. Phil for many reasons but the first one is his blunt and honest ways of cutting through bull and putting things into perspective.
As my hormones fluctuate and I encounter very annoying events, I ask myself,"is this OK with me?" And, if the answer is NO, I fight back.
This week has actually been very rough for me. My returned energy has made me feisty against people who push their ills on me and treat me bad.
It always baffles me that we treat those who love us far worse than those we hardly know. It comes with the territory, I guess, of being so close to people that they have a chance to hurt us.
This week I let out a lot of frustration. It was like the old me before I was married with children. I used to assert what I thought in selfish ways to keep people from trampling on me. I did it everywhere. Looking back... it was out of anger. Anger that people would think a young person can be bamboozled, that a girl was a 2nd class citizen, and anger that I was hurting and I was expected to change when the problem wasn't me.
I still deal with this but when you are pregnant, extremely sober and quite the workhorse... it bubbles up aggressively.

My pregnant body #3

Splat! Ker plunk! I fell flat on the floor, bruising my tailbone on the way down. Last week I took a little spill at the Gastonia permit office while I was waiting in line. I felt queasy, got lightheaded and then the lights went out. I fainted! It was very scary but all is well now. I was just a little sore.
I think I have gotten back a little of my old energy. That's a relief. I was zonked all the time.
There have been some pukey spells and my ever encouraging Mom swears "you're more like I was when I was pregnant with you...I puked for 9 months." I better not puke for nine months. That's all I have to say about that.
Things are great with Bella. She is showing how close she is coming to age two. She runs around aimlessly spending up her energy as wildly as possible. It's really cute.
Well that's all for now. I am going to try harder to keep up with my blog. I miss it.

Passions

His voice punches through the noises in the gym while coaching his wrestler to "get hand control." The gym is bouncing with energy. Four teams are going at each other with full force. He loves this. The energy and the drama. He remembers that boy was the state runner up last year at such and such school and wrestled so and so. He needs this to keep him young and sane and connected.
When Tommy coaches he channels his love and experience of wrestling into sweet rewarding victories and comradery that comes with being a model for athletic teen boys.
I want that.
I want to go somewhere to scream and sweat and jump or run and passionately spill over with energy and calorie burning to do what I love.
There is something about being a mother that holds one back. It's not the child or the need to be with her, it's the availability of me.
I am not that available.
Bella will not sit in a nursery while Mommy does (fill in the blank.)

(For the record this is not where I thought this post would go.)

The mommy that I am feels guilty having someone babysit her child while she goes to get her daily sweat. The few hours I get with her during the day are sweet but packed full enough that there is little breathing room in our "schedule."
But, Tommy's schedule is what it is and I am expected, though by no fault of Tommy, to handle it and unless there is a dire emergency there is no need to change. Right?
Wrong.
I need something.
Something to get out the anger built up from some dysfunctions in my life, the job that I choose, the daily aggravation with driving in Charlotte and waiting for everyone to take their time while I rush to please everyone else but me.
Boy am I ranting or what?
That's all.
That's enough for me to get out of my system for now.
Don't worry I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is to all this.
Just renew the dang membership and sit the baby in the nursery for as long as she will put up with it and work it out.
Stationary biking and elliptical riding are my fantasy lately because I feel like my muscles are one by one deflating and dying.
All that work at Funky Fit last Spring and Summer down the drain.
FYI... Funky Fit is the best thing since the juice bar at my gym. The instructors teach you to boogie to hip hop music while you sweat your ___ off. It's not great for preggy people though.

My pregnant body #2

Every day I slash through another day finished in my pregnancy with a blue highlighter. It's been approximately 70 days according to the calender. It feels like 700. The pregnancy calender provides details of the baby's development and sometimes tidbits about my "development." Development is actually a good word. It envelops the weight gain, the mood changes, the skin issues, the fatigue and all the other things I am forgetting since I also have pregnancy amnesia. The calender told me I might be experiencing that. Lovely.

I have been feeling less sick. After a good month of colds, stomach bug, nausea and fatigue. I think I may have a grip on the strategies to keep me sane. According to my calender, if I eat small meals all day long the nausea will back off. Only problem, I don't carry a refrigerator with me everywhere I go so I am eating crappy food. I totally intended to keep only fruit for snacks and flavored water or juice to drink...but it's not working. I also wanted to have "me" time every evening and walk my stress of work and pregnancy away. So far all I have done is some resistance band work for my back and a lot of good sleeping. I know this is temporary and that I should be enjoying all of this. One day I am going to long for another pregnancy and the feelings of maternal business. But, today I am wondering why women are wired so insanely to long for this and to FORGET how damn hard it is.

All-in-all I am happy to not be sick. I can't wait to get back to the gym with some of my old energy (when it returns) and put some kick into my step again.

Energy

Feeling zapped, sick, sore and run down has taken over. I could sleep forever. I fight the urge to throw up, skip showers, sleep late and give into my hormonal rages. Work is mentally exhausting on it's own paired with parenting the tired factor is through the roof. But, I manage to make it all happen. Hell, I'm even blogging. Who knew I could keep up with that? That may not last long though. I've run out of words.

Overdue pics

She's the cutest Pooh Bear I've ever seen.

My two favorite people being really cute on Halloween night.

This is my favorite pic of the trip we took to the mountains. It's an outdoor patio of the Inn where we stayed.

Happy Halloween!!

Have you ever seen a ghost?
I have.
It was in the early morning at an old house in the Chantilly neighborhood of Charlotte. I was sleeping in the bed with my father and stepmother. (I sneaked in during the night.) And I awoke because of some noises in the house and the light of the morning was beginning to flow through the windows. My eyes slowly opened and there stood an apparition in the right corner of the door way. He was not beaming with grayish white light.He wore knickerbockers, what we would call a golf hat, and a white button down shirt. He said nothing and his expression did not change. He was indifferent. We think he was about 10 years old, from the 1920's and he probably lived in that house or neighborhood. I say we because I was not the only one he revealed himself to. Charleen ( my Stepmother) saw him at the foot of her bed one night watching her as she slept. She was not afraid but alarmed and knew the boy was neither alive nor threatening. The Elizabeth neighborhood is the most haunted part of Charlotte. It's also one of the oldest and Chantilly is not far from there.
How did I know I was not dreaming?
That morning we had visitors. My aunt and cousin from Maryland were in the living room and I was not aware of their plans to be there in that part of the morning. I saw them there as I watched the ghost turn around and exit the doorway. This is one of the most amazing memories of my life. Imagine living your whole life, since you were 5 or 6 years old, knowing for a fact that ghosts were real and that you had seen one. I knew. I was neither scared nor turned off. As a matter of fact I was intrigued. I burned it into my memory forever and share it with whomever will listen.

Only 247 more days to go

There is a part of being pregnant that I forgot about. There is so much information on the Internet and so many ways to log or view logs of embryos at every stage. It can become an obsession. I signed up to receive e-mails about it. I started a pregnancy "ticker" and I signed up for anything that I could find with free samples and free magazines. I loved getting that stuff when I was pregnant with Bella. I was prepared a little more because of it. I didn't know what kind of formula to use, or what to do for a colicky baby or when the stage of the most weight gain would be. Before the info overload I just thought that I would figure it all out with my common sense. My baby wasn't going to be hard and I would nurse her until I ran out of milk. HA! I wish. I definitely had a colicky baby and I barely had any milk for a while. The support I get from reading those is far better than racking my brain trying to remember things that happened to my body almost 2 and a half years ago. On the flip side it does make for a long pregnancy. It may be an enlightened long pregnancy but 247 days is a bit of a stretch. I prefer to know the weeks and when I will be the most nauseous and gain the abundance of my weight-15 to 35 pounds- here I come. (I hope it's 15...HA!)

My pregnant body

Well, I should have saved all the money on those home preg tests, I think the random gagging would have tipped me off. I don't remember the symptoms of pregnancy hitting me so fast the last time. I am very hungry in between my dry heaving. I think my eyes are changing because things look a little fuzzy sometimes. I know the changes are temporary so they are wonderful to me right now.
I have been so crabby that I will be lucky if my husband can put up with me through this.
With the recommendation of a friend I have chosen an OB. He is supposedly very nice, gentle and caring. All very good qualities of an OB! I have to go to a different OB than the one that delivered Bella as he no longer works with the group I saw last time.
Oh yeah, I have a cold again. That's not unusual though. I have had about 10 colds since Bella was born. I think it's stress. I obviously have a problem with it.
We are still flying on the high from the novelty and excitement. Later that will wane, I remember the feeling that pregnancy would never end. I was so ready to have Bella at the end that I thought I would never get into that delivery room.
++++++++++++++++++++

We did go to the mountains and I have some great pics that I will post as soon as I can. I will not be writing an article about the Inn we visited since the promise of publication became far out of reach over the weekend. It's a long story so lets just say my Mom ruined it for me.
She was dating a guy who had friends in the magazine business in Boone. I thought I was a shoe-in. She showed out and lost that boyfriend. Oh well.
I want so badly to get an easy break. The promise of publication has to be in place to get me to write well. I have come to that conclusion. Sad.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Over the Summer I wanted to go back to school. I picked 3 things that I thought that I would enjoy doing and I decided to research them. I came to the conclusion that I would go back to school to be an English teacher and apply to CMS since they allow you to be in training while teaching. This would help me out 3 ways. I could brush up my skills while teaching children have my Summers off and eventually write more, possibly for a publication. So, I applied for 9 teaching jobs and prepared to get the call to interview as well as register for school. None of that happened so we decided add to our family instead. I am so happy with this choice. I can still do those things if the desires persists and I have a feeling they will.

Off to the Blue Ridge

Tomorrow Tommy and I are going on a mini-va. We need this time to relax, sleep late, let Bella miss us for a little while and breathe some mountain air. I also have a little project to do while I'm there. I want to write an article about the B&B we are visiting. We have been there a number of times and it really is a sweet little place. Each room has a balcony, a fireplace and a view of the mountainside. Ahhhhhhhhhh, refreshing.

The Rabbit Died!

I'm pregnant! If it were 1950 the rabbit would die when inoculated with my hormones. But after 6 tests we have no dead rabbit just one test with a very faint pink line in the result panel. Whew, a sigh of relief for the conception of baby2. You never really know if it will happen and I am ecstatic.

Today...

I am in pain, from Yoga or TMS I'm not sure, perhaps both. Trying to keep up with the office work on my own, I am captain of the ship today. Longing for time with Bella to play with her and teach her new words. Wishing it were Friday, that I was already pregnant (I have taken 5 tests and all neg.), and needing a glass of wine and some gourmet food.

(That reminds me of this picture. My in-laws are very spirited Italian folks with a bottle for every occasion. They brought us champagne [none for me], great cheeses and crackers to the hospital when Bella was born. I have never seen such for the birth of a baby. My friend Nora brought the tulips. )

You know, I may not have a positive preg test but I do have sore, swollen tatas, I ate a pretty large bag of beef jerky in 2 days (first time for beef jerky in like... 8 years) and a craving for caffeine. Could be PMS again. UGH:(

I Vow

This should make some of you laugh...I am vowing not to let myself go when I get pregnant.

I know. It's sounds naive and cocky and...well...stupid. But, I owe it to myself. My arms were like pancakes and my back like a 90 year old after I gave birth and consequently for the next ten months I had little success exercising without pain.

I want to give myself a leg muscle to stand on for what's probably going to be the craziest, most exhausting time of my life. After the first months of Bella's life I developed the TMS symptoms that plagued my arms, neck, back and shoulders with pain. I remember doing jumping jacks without my arms and pushing through push ups knowing I'd PAY for that later. I'm definitely paying for something, and that's why I want to have a handle on this if at all possible.

God please grant me the strength, the knowledge and the will to mold my body to handle the gifts that you may choose to give me.

Be Happy Or I'll Scream

I have ravaged an hilarious book called Be Happy Or I'll Scream by Sheri Lynch. The belly laughs were aplenty and I wish that she wrote 4 more books so I could have them to read during every spare minute! There are few things that will keep me from watching Grey's Anatomy, well from any TV program really, and this book had me enveloped because of the true and hysterically raw situations and "adventures" with her family. As far as I know the book is nothing but truth about Sheri's own marriage and children. She is the primary breadwinner as she is a radio personality on 107.9 The Link on the Bob and Sheri show. This is the kind of book I would like to write mostly because it's the kind I like to read. After I read the last 20 pages I will shop and shop for books as good, or even half as good, to give me words, laughs and understanding about my own family.
Even if you just read a chapter a week, it will keep you wrapped up because of the reality show-like visuals she describes.
She also wrote Hello My Name is Mommy which is about her experience with pregnancy. I'm sure she'll have me in stitches, because everyone knows there are some strange things that go on in the pregnant woman's mind and body.
(No, I'm not pregnant yet.)

Love

Yesterday, Tommy put his arms around me and said "I love our life." That makes a woman beam with pride that she-even though she may seemed frayed at times-is keeping up and not letting her relationship fall to the wayside. I have no delusions of perfection, more like learning to live and love normal imperfections. We deserve to be at this point. There are few things that still bring us to fight and most of the time we are careful with each others feelings and sensitivities.
Anyway, I just wanted to dote on him because I think he is being really sweet lately and I know we are on a bit of a high. Any day now there could be a positive First Response pregnancy test waiting in the bathroom, but not yet. I am enjoying the possible last month of my body being...well... independent and singular. I am excited and anxious and beaming but it's kind of like Christmas Eve. I remember most of my pregnancy with Bella. I remember sleeping at work and wanting to vomit when I brushed my teeth and the bad skin. I just can't wait to hear the heartbeat and find out the sex but then again I can.

Crappy news

I was going to blog about this article...

Remember: Skills can be learned, but your passion is a part of who you are. The reality is you can do whatever you want to do and set your mind to do. The old adage, "Do what you love, the money will follow" is actually very good advice. It may take some work to reveal what you're truly meant to do but, if loving your career is important to you, your efforts will be a valuable investment in your future happiness.

I have an inability to follow my passions or even acknowledge that plenty of women have a home and children and start to follow a passion even later than year 29. I really have this on my mind right now.

But, this all takes a back seat because one of my great friends has tried for a long time to become pregnant, she finally did and then she miscarried. My heart is breaking for her. I have said so many times that I am lucky, as are all my friends with kids, to have had a healthy pregnancy and baby. It just isn't a guarantee. I was worried a lot about this last month but worry is not good for attempting to become pregnant and I realize that.

Amy, I hate that this happened. I wish you peace and many opportunities to make and carry healthy babies!

About Me

I am getting better acquainted with the things that are causing me the pain of TMS. Last night I cleaned until I couldn't clean any more without waking up Bella. When I got up this morning and put my feet on the floor the bottoms of my feet stung. I love clean, neat and organized. My desk, my car, and my house can only be a slight mess, once full messiness has set in, it's overhaul time. I can't think with a mess.

In my mind, I can't have any overhanging emotion without it taking me over. So, in the event that my mom is ticking me off (for example) I just go ahead and cut to the chase and tell her what bothers me and I don't mince or sweeten words. I might be feeling a little guilty about that. It doesn't only happen with my mom and it doesn't always happen with words. I know this may sound far out but, the book I have on this condition is like reading a pre-med text book but worse. I'm trying to figure out where this pain, that's been going on for over a year, is coming from. Wish me luck.

I never thought I would say this...

Goodbye beetles
goodbye spiders,
goodbye snakes that I hate.
Goodbye 90's,
goodbye drought,
goodbye things keeping me in my house.
Come hither fair weather,
let us get together,
to walk and to play
and show Bella what it means to clean out,
the air, the trees
and water the grass, Please!



Today the water restrictions were tightened. I am so sick of the heat, the bugs and the fact that I can't water anything that I am ready to see the season change already.

BUT, I already miss my flowers!

@#&*%! Monday

It's Monday and my attitude is not any better. I just cussed the printer out in Spanish a couple times and then asked it if I could help it die. That's a pretty good indication that today might be rough.

---------------------------

I had a great birthday and I was so reminded of how much fun I used to have. We went dancing and stayed up far too late. We picked up Bella the next morning and I could swear she had grown an inch. The girl is getting bigger and I am dumbfounded that she used to be my squishy baby. (pictured above)

---------------------------

Other than going out on Friday my weekend was just as low key as it could get. I enjoyed that and I wish I were repeating it today.

Year 29...fine

So, today is my birthday and I have already gotten some really nice gifts like perfume, sweaters, pants, boots and more. But, nature has given me PMS. I think it's ironic when I have PMS on celebratory days because it makes it hard to listen to the happy birthday song twelve times and smile about it again. I also have thick cloudy weather overhead to welcome my 29th year. And any minute now it's going to rain that misty stuff that makes your windshield wipers squeak every time they swish the glass. I know I am not little miss sunshine anyway but I really think that I should have stayed home today and celebrated my PMS, I mean birthday, by my grumpy, bloated self.
At least I can laugh about it. We'll see how long that lasts.

Welcome Fall!

Oh what a precious beach baby I have. She loved the beach so much more than she did earlier this season. We played and ran around like crazy and left with sunshine sprinkled all over us.

I don't think I will be going to the beach with such a big crowd again, but I am glad that I went and I am glad that I'm home to get back to...well...family stuff.

September is probably the most beautiful month at the beach. I was engaged in Isle of Palms this date 4 years ago and it was picture perfect!

Also, today Bella is 19 months old. The months are going by faster and faster. Tomorrow I will be 29. And, that reminds me of my grandmother who always said her age was "29 and holding," with a big grin to punctuate her statement. I know this is probably too short of a post but there are some things that I just haven't quite gotten over yet to move on to more free writing and picture posting.

Last, but not least, I want to welcome Leslie to Blogspot.com. She too became inspired by the bloggers I told her about and began blogging at leslie78.blogspot.com. She's going through a lot right now and I hope that when she posts blogs she can out her feelings and move on to all of her new beginnings. That will make sense if you read her stuff.

"The times they are a changin'"

The cool cat allows the nonthreatening toddler to lay next to him during an evening stretch.
A birds eye view of a very happy, nearly naked, toddler taking a break from swooshing through the thick humidity.
A huge fan of Beauty and the Beast totally hypnotized with the enchanted castle. She's sitting in her beach chair while brushing her teeth and wearing the latest in toddler headband fashion.
A proud mama and her nude beginner swimmer. I lost my first tooth beside this lake and I am so lucky to have parents who insist on having her be a water baby.

There's not a lot of time left to enjoy the heat of the Summer. The weather tonight is cool and crisp and just plain refreshing. The evenings of Bella running around in nothing but a diaper will fade, my inviting backyard will begin to slack off at entertaining my 18 month old while I cook and clean. But, I must admit, the weather tonight did give me a quite the start. Not only is it evident that the seasons are changing but so is the life I have known for 18 months. The atmosphere in my family life will soon be a memory. Everyone knows I am going to be trying to have another baby, but these are some priceless moments with Bella during, hopefully, her last summer as an only child. This summer was bittersweet. I will reminisce about the learning leaps Bella has taken and the tremendous growth in my marriage. (I think we are really getting the hang of this.) But, I also see, as my Dad put it, these are my good ole days.

I am an extremely emotional person, and I get it honestly. I cried so hard this June while watching a television show about Charlotte high school graduates. The valedictorians were giving their speeches. When one of the speeches ended a slow song played with the lyrics "Eighteen years have come and gone..." Cue the sobbing. And this mommy of (at the time, a16 month old!) was a mess thinking of how fast it really does fly by.

All-in-all the summer was a good time had by all. Many memories, milestones, 4 or our friends had children that turned one year old this year and hopefully I have enough pictures and journals to bring me back to this great feeling that I'm having right now.

Dark and Gloomy

To use a Grey's Anatomy reference, this post is going to be dark and gloomy. You've been warned.

I just turned around from my desk to look through our glass front door at our office. Outside was a teenage boy walking in the driving rain. He was wearing familiar colors in his khaki pants, white polo shirt, and around his waist was a goldenrod sweatshirt. Because of those colors he must attend a school down the street. I pass the school and the students all the time. This school is not a regular high school it's one that kids are sent to when they need to reconstruct their habits and attendance. AKA, they've been kicked out of public school.
As I watch him walking I fear for him that some mean, hungry, down and out character will approach him and rob him for just a couple bucks. He looks defenseless and alone.
I have had some feelings like this for myself when I'm in an unfamiliar place and I could be caught off guard from someone who has spent many days waiting for a unsuspecting victim to come along and rob them of their money, dignity or life. As a mother I am always distracted with this fear. To keep the fear out is too difficult so I embrace it and trust it with my life. Things happen so often the news can hardly keep up some days.
Such as the below experience...
Charleen (my stepmother) and I were driving in her car along N. Tryon the other day and we happened to witness a man being beaten senseless. Since we were in her car Charleen had the instinct to pull over and call the cops and wait there to make sure this person was caught or at least try to get a good look at him.
The feet of the person he was beating were dangling in the street as if he was unconscious and couldn't move or fight back. The man on top of him was swinging relentlessly and Charleen feared this man's feet were going to be run over by a oncoming car and she nearly cried at the thought of it.
Dozens of people were around. None stood to watch but dozens saw this and did nothing. No one tried to stop him! It was unbelievable.
The beater moved the victim's feet from the street curb and continued to assault him. Then, as if his energy was spent or his mission accomplished, the beater stood and began to walk away. Just as he rounded the corner on foot away from N. Tryon, a police car drove up, probably looked at the beater's face and continued to drive away.
This infuriated me! We called the cops, here was a cop, and he didn't even stop. Didn't he know? He can still catch the assaulter! I wanted so badly for this man to go to jail he risked the life of this victim and for what, drugs? If that's all he got caught for I would have been satisfied. The cop kept driving and we caught up with him by car about a mile away. He hadn't heard the bulletin over the dispatch or at least he didn't reference it when he spoke with us. He went to the scene and OF COURSE the man was gone and so was the victim.
Very strange.
I know this stuff happens every day in a lot of places. But, we were probably the only people stopped and trying to help this victim but, to no avail.

TGI Thursday

I am excited about this weekend. Some people are coming over tomorrow, I leave for the beach on Sunday, and best of all I get almost a week's break from work. When I say work, I don't mean just my job but the daily grind. I drive so far for work, to pick up Bella, and back home. I rush everywhere and rarely seem to get ahead with housework or cooking or relaxing. But, now that we are going to the beach with great friends I hope to make some memories and come home with priceless pictures. It's intoxicating when you sense a really remarkable experience getting ready to happen. I just want it to be here already. Bring it!

Could be worse...

My pain used to be so bad that I had to wash my hair with my head upside down. I couldn't lift my arms, sit, lay or sleep comfortably. It wore me out. I barely wanted to pick up Bella because it hurt so bad and then I was diagnosed with TMS and I began to read about it and then..taa daa... I felt better! It was the strangest thing ever. Lately I have been very stiff. I can't sit or lay in one position without feeling pain. I don't know how long this will last but I feel like I have had it forever. I only read half the book so maybe it will help if I finish it. Hmmm.
Read about TMS below...

Fear the TMS

TMS as described on RSIWarrior.com
An alternative view pioneered mainly by Dr John E. Sarno hypothesizes that repetitive strain injuries and other pain syndromes are entirely psychosomatic in nature and not caused by underlying musculoskeletal injuries. According to Sarno, emotional stress eventually manifests itself as physical pain through tensed, oxygen constricted muscles. Sarno calls this condition Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS). The muscle pain in TMS is similar to what athletes might feel after strenuous workouts. The difference is that for athletes pain relief usually occurs within moments of completing the workout whereas RSI sufferers have constant, lingering pain. TMS says that the brain latches onto tension to divert attention from underlying negative emotions. By doing this, the brain manages to suppress the negative emotions deeper into the unconscious levels. This can lead to a disastrous cycle where negative emotions cause RSI pain, which end causing more stress and negative emotions and transitively more pain. Sarno boasts very high rates of treatment success (85% - 95%) with his approach, and many RSI sufferers have claimed complete recoveries from adopting this regime.
If you have had RSI lingering for longer than a few months, it is recommended that you pay attention to this section.
In the context of computer related RSI, the physiological output of TMS is reduced blood flow to the hands resulting in mild ischemia and a buildup of waste materials (the toxin output of hand muscle movements). This causes varying degrees of pain and sometimes muscle spasms. Before making a self-diagnosis of TMS, it is recommended that you consult a medical professional to rule out much more serious problems (like tumors).
Symptoms of TMS:
No conventional treatment seems to bring lasting results, you’ve tried everything and nothing works.
You’re a “Type T” personality, (If you prefer to decide on the basis of objective logic, using an analytic and detached approach, then your preference is for Thinking"T".)
If you prefer to decide using values and/or personal beliefs, on the basis of what you believe is important or what you or others care about, then your preference is for Feeling"F". Common personality traits include: Perfectionist, self-motivated, ambitious, neat and organized, in control, responsible, self-critical, tendency to feel guilty.
Pain plays a large role in your life. You think about it and/or experience it frequently.
You have a history of psychosomatic conditions, not necessarily clinically diagnosed. Earlier trauma or eating disorder for example.
The pain coincides with or started at a stressful periods of your life.

I am having a painful week and I wondering what the heck to do about it!

From Newark to Heaven

Today is 9-11. The anniversary of the day when too many parents, and beloved family members went to work and never came home. Too many travelers with trusting faithful souls were burglarized of their chance to live and thrive. It's too much for me to expand on. I always appreciate the memorials on television because I like to cry about it and remember those people. Some quotes that got me today "I'm looking at those buildings but I don't see buildings I see people." From another, "I was in Manhattan on my honeymoon and I was supposed to go to the trade center that morning, but I overslept." And another one, "When everyone in my (military) unit watched it we jumped up and grabbed our rifle ready to kick some ass."
I think that goes for most of us...ready to kick ass. Those towers represent people and innocence lost.
--------------------------------------
On a different note. This also marks the anniversary of the day I fell in love with television news and journalism. All of the coverage and all of the emotion linked to the circumstance made me feel connected and awake. News does that for me. It gives me a link to everything else when my personal life can drive me nuts, I just tune in to the news and listen to the city, national or world topics and my sights are broadened and I once again feel blessed, miniscule and connected.

Flattered

I was just goofing off and looking for maternity clothes on the net (because as I remember that mine SUCK,) and I saw those beautiful pregnant models on gap.com. Then I thought of my wedding photographer because she wanted to take pics of me when I got pregnant. She did such an extra special job on our wedding pics and I love her so much as a creative person. So, I pulled up her website (http://www.julietphotography.com/) and there we were, models on her web site. I know there are a lot of pics on the web site, I mean it is a photography site after all. But we are on the first page romantically engaged in a dip. People from Charlotte or people coming to Charlotte for a wedding will shop for photographers and see us! Very flattering. Pretty much our whole wedding album is on there under the storybook albums tab. As well as one of my bridal portraits.

Thanks Julie. (Her name is Julie too.)

Little drummer girl

My Daddy has played drums for a long time and now he may have a new fan. Bella has rhythm and loves to bang on anything drum-like. She plays like the trash can cover is a bongo and hops to her own beat, she bangs the xylophone and brings it to whomever will play it with her and looks on enviously. I grew up dancing and never had the urge to play an instrument, but it is so neat to see my girl love music at such a young age and try to play it. She loves to dance too but there's something about playing the drums, to her that's just heaven.

Stirred up

After my last post I realized something...I am so excited that I can hardly stand it. I am getting back on the most joyful and fulfilling roller coaster a woman can be on and the power and significance that it has on my life is lifting my soul up so high that it's scaring me.

Bella is still a baby to me. When she says a new word it's as if we are seeing the ocean for the first time, it's remarkable. This tiny being has grown and come so far that she will soon speak to us in sentences. I know it sounds like we never expected this but in a way it is surreal.

This is a pic of us during her first sleep smiles. During this period I had no other responsibility but to feed and pamper my newborn. I loved so much about it and remember so little which is weird because it felt like it went on forever. What will it be like next time? What will it be like with Bella?

I have become more comfortable with the fact that this will probably be very hard and very stressful at times and taxing on my nerves. But, I am still scared. After last time I have chronic pain symptoms, I carry a different shaped body, I rarely get out to do for myself, and that's all fine, but I don't want to be an emotional mess to my kids.

Tommy asks me sometimes, are you sure you're ready for this?

If I were to yell YES! and grin with ignorance wouldn't he wonder about my faculties?

Oops...I almost went off on a rant again. I am trying to look positive here and it won't help anything if I start delving into what I went/am still going/after 18 months cannot figure out what's wrong with me/ through.

Truth is, inside my soul I never thought that I would be so lucky. So lucky to have the health, wealth and happiness that fills most of my daily life. There is too much for me to be thankful for and sometimes I forget to look at it with the eyes of the humble Christian that I am and say, I really have it made.

Isn't it weird when people write what you are thinking...

Sweet/Salty is a blogger who wrote this (and nailed something on the head. She is describing how it feels to be pregnant and then having possible issues) ... it's just anxiety. The anxiety doesn't cease. I am planning another child and I am very anxious about it.



Even with the freshest of slates, getting pregnant requires a huge leap of faith. You may have a glorious labour and a robust baby only to have that same child become sick ten years later. Or, twenty years later, fall in with a bad crowd and become addicted to some vice and break your heart. To become a parent is to become unspeakably vulnerable, but there can’t be true joy, or discovery, or growth, without risk. Everyone knows this, senses it on some primal level...



Granted, I had a perfectly healthy child the first time. I expect the same the next time, so does my husband. But anything can happen.



I am comparing the preparation to my second skydiving adventure. I had more nervous problems the second time than I did the first. This, I believe, was because I knew what to expect and that was...ANYTHING! Anything can happen and you are never more reminded of that than when someone else holds the reins and you freefall into the beautiful abyss of trust and faith.



I wigged out!

Looking forward...

Here's a photo of my girl "looking froward," it's one of my faves.

I am in need of a holiday, one that only requires chatting, laying around, laughing and playing with my girl. I am going to the beach with two of my best friends from high school and I can't wait! We haven't been on a trip together in ages. We are all at a proverbial crossroads in our life. Leslie is going to real estate school in September, Ashley and I are planning baby2s and I think we are all growing up a little more.

I love going places with my girlfriends it makes me feel such comfort to have the girls that knew me way back when get my jokes, know my reactions, and pick on me just to laugh at/with me. I took for granted all those years that Ashley was right across the street and Leslie was always going with me here and there. We are good girls who had a lot of good times and made truly great memories. This vacation may, unfortunately, be the last chance we get to go to the beach together. I hope so much that it works out and that we can make a tradition of it.
----------------------

Lately, I have been feeling better. My cough is half gone and I am getting a grip on my emotions. We are planning on expanding our house and I am excited about that. We want to put an addition on to make our master suite sweet. I'm really excited to see Tommy get to plan this for us and watch our project come to be. He loves logistics and planning and fixture details and placing doors, windows, tubs etc... Our future baby2 (no I'm not pregnant) will then enjoy his/her own room and closet (as of now I am using the extra closet in his/her room.)

It really does a lot for my morale to look forward to something and it's even better when it's multiple things.

Matters of the heart

Yesterday was not the best day for me. I hurt someone that I truly love and never wish anything but smiles and happiness. My husband read my blog and saw a post about an issue we had a few weeks ago. There is no reason to rehash the issue, but I did only mention my tension with him and not my happiness. My intentions with this blog are to exercise my inner writing fanatic and let out some, but not too much, of my thoughts and feeling about what is going on around me at that time. I am not making excuses. I just want to post that Tommy is my rock. I look up to him, he is wise beyond his years and I love being married to him. I compliment him all the time, but somehow I have managed 20 posts and not mentioned it here. I think it may be because my worries are not with him. I tend to dwell and churn about issues and spit them out here for a little concreteness. I'm sorry and I see my error.

In other news, I am getting better after a ridiculously drawn out coughing spell. My days are getting less stressful and I am looking forward to getting back into exercising.

My mom is needing less maintenance lately too, so that's refreshing. And, I would like to wish Tommy an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Precious Moments

The top picture is self explanatory, the middle is at Chuck E. Cheese's, the bottom is in the back yard helping me water the thirsty flowers. Too cute! Happy eighteen months Bella.

Lapping up the cuteness...

Bella's tantrums have waned...for now, and we are back in toddler heaven.. And I wanted to share these very dear pics. She's imagining and playing so much.

Per Wikipedia...

A lot of my days are spent thinking about this...


Personality disorder, formerly referred to as a Characterological disorder is a class of mental illness characterized by rigid and on-going patterns of thought and action. The underlying belief systems informing these patterns are referred to as fixed fantasies. The inflexibility and pervasiveness of these behavioral patterns often cause serious personal and social difficulties, as well as a general impairment of functioning.
Personality disorders are defined by the American Psychiatric Association as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". [1] These patterns, as noted, are inflexible and pervasive across many situations, due in large part to the fact that such behavior is ego-syntonic (i.e., the patterns are consistent with the ego integrity of the individual), and therefore, perceived to be appropriate by that individual. The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to the beginning of adulthood, and, in rare instances, early adolescence

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock, is a controversial psychiatric treatment in which seizures are induced with electricity. Today, ECT is most often used as a treatment for severe major depression which has not responded to other treatment, and is also occasionally used in the treatment of mania, catatonia, schizophrenia and other disorders. It first gained widespread use as a form of treatment in the 1940s and 50s; today, an estimated 1 million people worldwide receive ECT every year,[1] usually in a course of 6-12 treatments administered 2 or 3 times a week. Electroconvulsive therapy can differ in its application in three ways; electrode placement, length of time that the stimulus is given, and the property of the stimulus. ECT has been shown clinically to be the most effective treatment for severe depression. For at least half of the patients, benefits are short-lived. After treatment, drug therapy can be continued, and some patients receive continuation/maintenance ECT. Side-effects include amnesia, which may be persistent in a minority of patients, and confusion, which usually clears within hours of treatment. It is widely accepted that ECT does not cause brain damage. Informed consent is a standard of modern electroconvulsive therapy; involuntary treatment is uncommon and is typically only used when the use of ECT is considered potentially life saving.

Someone call the parenting police...

What was I thinking? Did no one tell her? Oh Jees, I have to run out there right now to tell her! This is what was going through my mind as I stood there slyly watching Bella frolic outside from the office window. She laid down on the small hill in the backyard, looked up and pointed. She almost said a word but nothing came out. So relaxed (unusual for a toddler) then she just put her finger down, crossed her arms and stared straight up... then a look of bewilderment took over her face. That's when this: What was I thinking? Did no one tell her? Oh Jees, I have to run out there right now to tell her! popped into my head. The sky, that's the sky. See it's blue and has white clouds but mostly it's just clear and blue sky. I was embarrassed, had no one told her what that big, and bright omnipresent beauty was over our heads? She can say please and buckle and she doesn't know that's the sky?
Eventually, I got over my initial surprise that no one pointed that out to her. We go through the day doing everything possible for all of us and somehow we forgot to tell her that the sky is always above. She didn't mind that I was very persistent about her knowing and understanding the sky. Maybe she got it and maybe not. I will forever, from this point on try my darnedest to point out and think of what is so usual and obvious and explain the heck out of it for Bella. She deserves to know and to know as early as possible. There are too many people out there who don't know why the sky is blue! My daughter deserves to, and hopefully will, have the most knowledge possible for a child her age, but it's up to me!
Do you know what happened later? After Bella came inside I was bathing her and I realized that I am not the only person this child associates with daily. Someone else may have mentioned the sky before and she just forgot. She could forget. It is not just me that inputs into her experiences, vocabulary and wisdom. It is so many. I really flattered myself this time with the whole me, me, me submerging from said realization. This world is so big, there is so much to learn. I still learn from my parents at age 28, things that I should have known before I got married, hell, even before I went to college. But, we never stop learning and we can only realize the true volume and importance of our children's minds.
Lesson learned. This girl passed through me and now belongs to this world. Some things are great and some are small, but it is how much attention we pay to them and how we translate them to the next generations that matters (to me.)

Barely here

My blog has definitely been feeling rejected lately. Not only am I working hard and trying to get exercise and clear out some of the stress that office dwelling takes on me, I am sick again. Maybe my cold that I had a couple of weeks ago never had a chance to completely heal and it was secretly getting worse because of stress.
My Mom stayed with us over the weekend and it ended badly. She is riddled with illnesses and frankly that makes me ill. Today she's at the doctor about vomit, yesterday it was the ECT and then again tomorrow. The thing is that's how she's been my whole life since I can remember. I am trying my best to lead the healthiest life (with few exceptions,) have fun and be a fun wife, mother and daughter and be good at my job. There is only so much a person can take on before the chemical reactions of swallowing the stress anger and rage explodes and brings about more sickness. I think that's what my problem is. I am trying to push through it though. I have vowed to read my new books, run/walk/jog as much as possible and play with my daughter the way I want to, all in an attempt to recapture my prebaby pace and stresslessness. She is not my stress. So why can't I recapture the lightness that I once felt?
Lately the baby2 chatter has heightened in my house. There is some serious insurance shopping going on and we are down to the wire. We are planning on being preg by end of September. Does stress keep one from becoming preg? I get very excited to think about being preg again. I can't wait. Have I lost my mind? I think the reason for this is that when I was pregnant, I felt more healthy than ever and I miss that. I felt like I had a reason to take extra special care of myself and lie down when I was tired, take my vitamins every day, ask the doctor about every little thing; but now I feel like I have to sweep me under the rug and deal with "it."

Monster Munchkin

My beautiful angel of a daughter has been less than pleased lately. I'm not sure if she's stressed out because her routine is compromised with Mom staying at my house and all. But she sure had some major conniption fits lately. Some of the biggest tears I have ever seen gush from her precious eyes, then she gets snotty and thrashes. She won't let me hold her and she won't calm down for, sometimes, more than 20 minutes. I feel sorry for her but nothing seems terribly wrong. Maybe it's her getting older and perceiving a lot more, such as stress. I sure have had my yearly dose and it's only August. She wakes up a few times before midnight and cries. I took her to the doctor last week and she is on antibiotics for an ear infection that supposedly wasn't even a full blown red infection, per the doc. She's taken the antibiotic before and she's not grabbing anything that could be hurting, such as her ears. I am forced to let time tell how much she will fuss and what will calm her. Sometimes it takes different things like, going outside for a change of scenery, some juice instead of milk or vice versa. Sometimes she's hungry sometimes she won't eat at meal time and my pushing leads to these tantrums. I realize how very new at this I still am. I wonder about my second child. Will he/she be a little more chill? No matter what I will still love but I am at my limit, stress-wise, lately. And, how does one deal with two? Many questions are flying through my head. Kudos to the moms of more than one.

Another ode to the cat...

I would just like to post another picture of Footsie because he is such a model feline. Now if I could just get those wildflowers he's sitting in to bloom.

Munday

Beep, beep, beep...the common noise in the hum drum recovery room. The clock is moving slower than honey from the freezer. We arrived here at 6:30am and they finally took Mom back at 9am. The lights here are so bright that it would feel like day in the middle of the night. This makes it impossible for me to close my eyes for longer than a few seconds. CNN is on the tube reminding me that I should not complain because I had to get up early...a damn bridge collapsed ya know?! Don't you dare be angry, it subliminally says to me, I'll give you something to be angry about. So, silently I sit and wait for my mom to have her ECT. The sessions she had ten years ago seems to have worn off and now I am here for her since the prescription her doctor wrote for her transportation was not filled.





The last time I had to bring Mom in for this she had hit bottom. Her spirit was deflated and hurt. She kept trying to hurt herself. She didn't care about anything in this world but I was always there for her. And, the last time, I happen to be the only one left. For once she had no husband, her mom had moved away, her father was not well and I am only child so I got the job by default. I get to take her to her brain zapping sessions so that she will stop over dramatizing little things and begin to see life past depression, anger and loss. I don't lock in a lot of the memories from way back but I keep just enought of them to remind myself of how different of a mother I am going to be. Unfortunately this action I am doing now, writing, is one of the best ways to concentrate on my feeling about her troubles.





One lucky aspect is that I am not like that. I have a lot of my mother's traits but I am not a depressed, anxious rollercoaster of an individual. I have feet firmly on the ground. I have been fighting something though. I guess I am not letting out enough emotion because for over a year I have had chronic pain. The pain moves from my shoulders to my neck, my back, my hands, and the list goes on and on. I felt my shoulders tense up this moring. It was a reminder that there is some emotion here and if I don't let it out, my body will push it out. It's called TMS and I am not overcome with it all the time. Just when I need to be the strongest, I feel the pain and my body is expressing emotion because I won't.





Just like many women, my emotions run the gamet. I have no lack of cries, laughs and the in between. I just have a little more stress than my body can take. So, the way I understand it is my brain is reacting by cutting off oxygen to whatever it feels like that day. It's really annoying and it does make me want to cry. The problem is I haven't quite figured out the outlet I should be using to get this extra stress out.





I used to run until my kness were weak. That did get me through some hard times. It also got me into some flattering clothes. So lately I have been trying to get back out there and "run/walk/jog" as I call it. But, darned if the stress doesn't take me down first.





When my mom came out of her session, she was red-faced and said, "Hi angel...where's Bella?"


Bella had not come with us but she didn't remember that, she didn't even remember what hospital we were in. She thought for a minute that she had done something stupid again to land herself in the hospital. I just smiled rubbed her shoulder and caught her up so she could conjur up her own memory. She cried a little thinking about why she had to have this ECT again. Even though nothing dangerous had happened she still felt broken... and zapped.

The nectar of life

Goodbye to another summer evening. I am soooo not ready for August. Time is fast forwarding and I can't keep up. My girl is getting huge. Every evening when I get her ready for bed. I see her clothes getting tighter. Her little hair is grown into a full mullet. I trimmed her bangs but I think I made it worse. Her sweet little feet call me to kiss and tickle and pretend to chew them. She's talking a lot and building towers with her blocks. Books and Bella are the best of friends and the more the merrier. "Booh" (Pooh) bear is her fave. I cannot wait to have another one but that means that nine more months will go by and this Bella will then be playschool aged Bella and I am not ready!



I remember coming out of the newborn blur. I would hold her and rock her a little before I laid her down for the night (aka 3-4 hours) and she was so simple and perfect and I said to Tommy "Take our picture." I wanted that moment to last forever. Awwwwwwww. She was so drowsy and cuddly. Tommy thought I was being weird. What's so werid about having a picture of me putting my quickly growing baby to bed? What is weird is that I had a long cry right after the picture was taken because I realized that all those sleepless nights were going to end, and every night after her bath I was going put her to bed and when I woke up it would be another day. And that meant that I was not going to get to look at this baby, this way, for the rest of my life. I never thought that I would want that but I did.



On the flip side....



This past weekend was one of the best and worst weekends I've had in a long time. Saturday we decided to have friends over and the drinks were flowing. Bella was safely asleep. My friends, sometimes rowdy they may be, were beginning to be too rowdy for my husbands taste. He got upset.

I got upset at him for getting upset. Makes sense, huh?

Anyway, we all left and Tommy stayed home. He did not care that everyone else left but he was hurt beause I left.

I had a blast. As soon as we got to my friend's house we put on boxers and t-shirts and climbed the fense to their neighborhood pool to took that most delicous midnight swims you can only get on a July evening. After a couple hundred bad dives off the diving board we made the hilarious attempt to climb back over the fence and help each other over without dropping anyone.
Whew! That seems like it would be enough. Nope, we fired up the grill and made 8 hamburgers and 3 hotdogs with toasted buns. I had to really keep my eye on the grilltenfer since were all overserved.

Those were the most delicious hamburgers I have had in a long time. Any food mixed with that many laughs and fools all in the same place just tastes better.

Eventually we had to rest and the time was about 4am. We crashed and then the sun rose. I awoke in a king bed with 2 girls and my eyes were dry and I was so thirsty. My belt and underwires were cutting into my skin and I could only manage one uncomfortable position. I was sore from the diving but even more I was aching to see my girl.

I took my friends car and home so everyone else could sleep, I cleaned myself up a little and waited for Bella to wake up.

My husband barely spoke to me all day. I didn't care though. I had gotten away.

Summer is passing and I need to have fun with it. This time next summer I will be back in my maternity clothes and I hope not to be climbing any fences. But, that pool was like the river from Eden! I wish my husband could have shared it too.

Here's where it turns.

I go to take a nap around noon, because I was working on 3 hours of sleep. The phone rings and rings and rings. My mom was freaking out. She didn't want to be alone. I have stated before that my mother tends to work my nerves. Well, that doesn't mean I can ignore her desperation to be with me because of a problem that has haunted her for too long. She has now temporarily moved in. It's a damn good thing I got in my fun time because I am really in for some stressful moments. I'm not trying to be pecimistic I just know my mother. Helping her makes me happy but I lose myself in doing it. She has a personality disorder so, difficult is a big understatement. I must sign off before I go in to too much of that and lose my fun high. I hope I am wrong about her visit. I really do.

Like a pig in mud...

Lately I have been reading a lot of wonderful writing. It refreshes me and makes me tap into my imagination and grow stronger as a thinker and writer, though I don't write very much at all. By simply e-mailing a high school friend I am now able to read about the fascinating happenings in the lives of people I may never meet. My mind sometimes wonders to them and I think about what they might be doing at that moment. Writing is a true passion that I do not pay enough attention to. Books are like candy and the more twisted and extraordinary the better. People fascinate me. I have always loved to just sit and "chew the fat" and talk about things that one doesn't talk about at work and with their spouse or loved ones every day. It's necessary to unload once in a while and let your story be told. I have a story that I need to tell. This is not the correct forum. I am constantly searching for the way to begin my story. How am I going to get it out there, what vehicle will come to me and help me get it out? I often think that today will be the day that I start writing but, then I sit on the moment too long and the phone rings, the baby bonks her head or I'm not motivated enough. There are a lot of factors that keep from from writing but I use them as excuses. Once I begin, it will be more work to keep going and as it stands today, I don't have the time. When will the time come? Maybe it's all a sign that I should wait. Maybe the story is going to get better and isn't ready to be out yet.
Ramblings? Yes.
Unnecessary? No.

Blahg

Lately, I have been feeling like my blog is more like a blahg. I have been challenged with time to sit and really write. This is part of an ongoing problem. I am trying so hard lately to fit things for ME into my schedule. I am trying to workout more, write more, visit more, and yes work more. I don't know how much more I can fit in. There are so many things I think I am missing out on if I don't take the time to plan on doing things for ME. I have found one problem, some of the things exclude Bella. That doesn't make me happy. I can't take her to the gym, she freaks out in the nursery. I do go to the home computer and sit and write (now and then) but I always end up feeling guilty if she is awake and I am not instead, spending the time with her. And to top it all off there has been a lot of talk at my house about planning the next baby. Jees! I am really feeling the squeeze here. It kindof crimps my creative mind. I am finally feeling like I have the sense of a normal life since Bella was born. I have gotten nearer to my pre-baby body (not near enough) and I am sad to think about how that has to change for baby2. To conclude, I am trying harder with this blog so I may jump on some of the ultra cute blog ideas bandwagon. And, I am very excited about the baby2 chatter and I almost cry instantly when I think about it. It's just one of those things. How does one prepare to be the arms and legs of another person, still have to be everything but to a wild one-year-old and keep herself on the schedule??? I'm not coming up with any other answer than this: I just have to close my eyes, jump in head first, and see what happens.....haaaah....exhale.

Backyard Dwellers

We are really trying to beautify our backyard to make it more fun to look at and Bella wants to help too! I spent a lot of last week organizing, touching up paint, planting, cleaning and trying to fit in fun between it all. There is so much left to do but, as long as I keep getting the precious moments with my daughter, I will love every minute of it.

Vacation?

I have been on vacation since the 2nd. But, I haven't exactly vacated anything. We decided not to go anywhere though I had the whole week off so I spent some quality time with friends and family. I had a great 4th. I went to the lake without Bella. I was so happy to relinquish the parenting for that fun holiday. Of course I didn't want to miss her reaction to the fireworks, so she and Tommy joined us later on the boat. She loved the fireworks. She sat so still and quiet. She was mesmerized. I am not looking forward to going back to work but it's inevitable, and I know Bella is missing the days with my mom. She has grown taller, smarter and her motor skills sharper right in front of my eyes. I was not too distracted to notice the little things. All-in-all I am glad we chose not to leave home and go visit out-of-state or pay the expensive hotel rates at the beach. I loved my non-vacation vacation.

Queens Rd. West

We are selling our condo today. We hate to do it but it's cost are starting to outway the rewards. Tommy and I planned our future from this corner condo. We saw some of our worst times here but we hold some wonderful memories too. This was to be our nest egg and in a way it was. It helped us reach a freedom that not many 28 year olds have. It was an investment that had so much hidden potential. So hidden that I didn't want to buy it! Tommy knew what it was past its cosmetic flaws. He rebuilt the bathroom with his brother and father. That, he will never do again. It was the cutest, old, 985 sq. ft. space we will ever know and love. I haven't been in it since we moved out 2 years ago. But I remember it very well. Something about me wants to take Bella there and take her picture in it. But, I think I will just drive there, park the car, get out the stroller and take Bella for long walks to see the 100 year old trees and the expensive landscaping and the beautiful park nearby. I hope to move back in that neighborhood one day. Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.

Gloomy

Today I am fighting poison ivy. Somehow I have it spreading all over my hands, arms and neck. I have not touched hardly anything outdoors. The only possible way I got it was from wood that was used to build our deck last week, my Mom who planted monkey grass, or from Bella who loves to run around in the yard. I am so irritated with the itchiness that I can hardly concentrate at times. I let my Mom keep Bella over night so that I don't give it to her (if she doesn't already have it.) I can't leave her there until it's gone though, so I will pick her up today. I miss her smiling face. If anyone has any ideas about helping the itch please tell. I am not scratching it. I don't have a great big rash, it's just some blisters that are taunting me with the itch. It seems like every time something sweet happens, like we had our deck built, something comes along to make it bitter, like having poison ivy itch more in the heat. I am so annoyed. HELP!

A Poem To Parent By

This picture is from last Fall, it's an oldie but goodie. I thought it was so cute that she wanted to see out this window so bad even though she was obviously too short to do it on her own.

When I heard the poem posted below I loved it. I wanted to post it, not only to share with other parents, but now I can re-read it again and again, and remind myself to parent this way.

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again
by Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,I’d finger-paint more, and point the fingers less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I’d teach less about the love of power, And more about the power of love.

Good stuff.

Mom's Love

This is a picture of my Mom playing with Bella on the beach. She and I have had a lot of ups and downs but I know that she only has love to give and tries with all her might to be the best Mom and Grandma she can be. This weekend I will be spending a lot of time in the car with her as we are going to a family reunion. Being together for four and a half hours is painful for us sometimes because well, she tends to work my nerves. There is something that makes me tolerate more than I would like and that's the fact that I probably will not have her as long as others have their mothers. I have to make special memories with her and Bella has to get to know her the way I do. She has a spirit that will live strong after her body leaves this Earth. She is one of the most kind and sensitive people that I know and I hopefully I will have plenty of oppotunities to capture more precious moments like this.

Footsie

While I was searching for an image to display here on this blog, I began by looking for a recent picture of Bella. I knew I had some from the beach but I really didn't want to post the one I have here from my work computer. Then I ran into this picture of my cat, Footsie. He was our first baby. We rescued him from the pound and babied him as if he were human. He got our undivided attention and all the treats he could eat. We rarely play with him now because his kittenhood is over. Plus, Bella is our baby now and Footsie is a little scared of the way she plays. He is much happier meandering the neighborhood looking for friends or a shady spot. Here he is under my "petticoat" that I wore under my wedding dress just over two years ago. He was always so good at posing or doing silly things and getting caught on camera. His personality is so lively and I really miss the times I spent playing with and nurturing him. He sleeps at my feet, trips me when I walk toward his food bowl and scratches me gently to let me know when he needs attention. I love you Footsie.

Beginner

This is my first blog post...ever. I am both excited and apprehensive about beginning this new adventure of learning and fostering a blog. I have so enjoyed reading other blogs by those who have great skills in writing and photography. Once I learn the ropes of blogspot I want to post pics and write about moments that have touched my heart. My life is so rich and I have so much time with my family that it is almost too valuable not to document it in some way. I have always loved writing but I have not concentrated on it in such a long time.
Every Mon. through Thurs. I go to work with my father and stepmother. It was a huge adjustment from going to school every day and working at a restaurant every night. I am an office dweller and I have learned to deal with the sore back from sitting in a chair all day. I work here because I have learned more here about business and professionalism than I did in school and at odd jobs, and I am trying to hone in on what it is that my soul would be happy doing. I want to work for something real. And, right now it is real important for me to have this time with my family.
This is how it works:
I told you that I work with my father and stepmother.
My Mom keeps my daughter during the day.
I have Fridays off to be with my daughter more.
My husband makes his own schedule so I usually have Fridays with him as well.
I get to have a social life since my stay-at-home friends are always welcome to come hang out at the sign shop if they wish. (Oh, yeah, it's fun...sometimes.)
And, frankly, I think my parents are happy to have me around.
They trust me more than anyone else.

Honestly, I have been pondering my next step lately. I am inquiring about teaching positions in CMS. I want to teach English. I am very afraid of losing all of my perks and getting myself intoo deep. I often wonder if I ever should have worked here to begin with. I've heard it said more than once...
"We can't miss what we don't know. "
With that I am signing off. I am off work. It is 4:30, and time to go pick up "my heart," Bella.