It's a wrap!

I have my attention squarely focused on not keeping up with this blog. Though at times I thought I would never let it go... alas, I have done just that. For now we'll call it a wrap and be proud of this adventure called blogging. I love every pic, sentence and typo entered here. I have really wanted to break through and write wide open about raw life lessons and goings-on, and I feel like (at times) I did just that.
Mission accomplished.
Blog, you have a permanent place in my heart and now I must begin printing you.
It's been fun!
Goodbye.

Spring is here!

We are s glad that the warm weather is slowly making it's way back. It's been nearly a year since I began staying home and I must admit that the warm months make this job divine. I get inspired when the sun gleams and grass grows around us. I want to travel, clean clutter and make plans. Winter simply doesn't do it for me. I need pastels and day trips and flip flops to be able to feel glee.
The girls are growing so fast. This time last year Tori still needed me to hold her fingers while she walked. When I think of how my back (not my heart) wished that away I could cry.
Bella was into building tents and playing under bedsheets. She still plays but her imagination has soared to new heights. She's in her head with games and toys and it's funny to listen and remarkable to see.
Now, Tori is talking. Her first word was "Bella" in Januaryish of 09. Now she can communicate in one word spurts when she sees something, wants something or Bella has done something. That chapter seems to be just beginning. Bella is Tori's true love and when Bella's gone Tori looks for he and calls her name. Bella sometimes does the same when Tori is taking a nap or away visiting Grandma.
There is so much to do with them now that Tori's old enough to go out and enjoy more. We go to the parks, parades, libraries (though they've closed a lot of them in our area), and shopping.
I still can't shop for myself with them around. We can grocery shop, but there is no way to keep them entertained or obedient while I check out a clothing sale.
The pain in my arms has all but gone away. Tori is so heavy now that she gets uncomfortable when she's held too long. She loves to snuggle sometimes and that is sweet, but she's a chunky monkey right now. She is assertive with what she wants too. She has found her voice and uses it quite a bit. She can scream over Bella to get what she needs first. It's almost totally impossible to make her do something she doesn't want to do which has brought discipline to a new level for her. She goes to time out on demand but thinks it's a game. She cries, screams, slaps and kicks during a tantrum or just spontaneously t get a reaction. She's a hoot, as my grandmother would say.
Life's really good right now. We are enjoying the season and loving the girls.
It's very special, and I can't say enough about it.

Bella's 4

It's clear that my first born is not a baby, doesn't want to be called my baby or be compared to anything that has to do with babies. She's 4!
She models her princess dresses, dreams of playing in a fairyland and writes her ABC's. She draws us pictures and wants to have discussions about words and her experiences and takes time to drink up life.
Her spirit is remarkable, and this picture (though taken last Christmas) shows her modeling a bit, her long hair and her precious smile.
There really isn't anything better to me than my girls and, it's true that she made me a mother, but she also makes me love being a mother.
I love you my precious angel.
Happy Birthday!!!

I'm back.

If I'm not going to bother with posts that rant or outline every move we make, the least I can do is post some pics of the cuties for the memories.
These are from the Christmas season where Bella sang at school, wrapping gifts at the table together and walking uptown with Grammy and Pop. We had a great time!!

Making Peace

It's been quite a while since my last post and it seems like a hundred things have happened. We celebrated Halloween with some great neighbors. Bella was Belle and Tori was a pink poodle... who refused to wear the hat part that looked like a poodle. Basically, she looked like a pink ball of fluff.
Mom has had her share of ups and downs with meds and situations that may make her move again.
My cousin Nick passed away and that sent shockwaves through the family as he was only 28 years old.
Momaw is in the hospital with heart problems and we are all praying for her safe return home without any incident. She needs to have multiple procedures and she's scared.
I would be too.
Tori is blossoming beautifully and growing like a weed.
Here are some Tori-isms:
"huppa" this means she wants what's on top of the fridge- pretzels, crispix etc..., or that she wants you to pick her up or get on the bed.
"soos" she has a passion for shoes
"baby" no need to explain
"apple"
"puppies"
"hat"
"pizza" she loves pizza
"milk" also loves milk
She's also learned to shake that little head no if she wants to, do the "If you're happy and you know it" dance and play lots of peek-a-boo.
It's been truly wonderful being home this Fall. We made leaf banners in wax paper. Took a "nature walk" down the street and took a lot of cute pics!!
Bella was dancer of the week last week, sooooo cute to have a sign that said that in our yard all week.
Unfortunately the girls have caught 5 or six colds since August which caused 2 ear infections and a sinus infection. It really is pitiful all the mucus that swells their faces and causes pain. Pre-school has a drawback- the germ pool.
There's been just about every emotion imaginable going through our hearts.
Thanksgiving was different too. Not because of food or travel or anything like that, but knowing my aunt will never have her first born home for another holiday is painful. Sisters are missing the big brother and his friends are plain dumbfounded.
I couldn't imagine. All my love of family is amplified since his passing, and the awareness of how fragile life is resounds.
I'm looking forward to the Christmas spirit filling our home and the girls.
We need spirit now that the cold weather will be keeping us inside more.
It's time to get creative!

quick pix

Just to update, we've really been keeping busy and trying to enjoy every warm day that we encounter.
Our first "family of four" trip to the beach was exciting and challenging. It was interesting to say the least.
The girls are growing and hitting milestones like crazy. Tori is trying to talk. We can catch words here and there. She's trying to run too, so that's fun.
They are growing but they really are little and precious, angelic even.
Pumpkin time is upon us and thanks to Grandma, Bella had a great time painting some. We have started our decor at the front door and are getting into the spirit. I have tons of pics to post and will try to do more soon.
I must have a thousand to get developed s, don't take it personally blog, I'm slackin all over!

Unloading

Ok, so I never really started that other blog and I truly think I should be able to unload anywhere I want to. This is my place of expression and if you don't like it don't look at it.
So, here it is.
Someone in my family is sick with a terrible and highly stigmatized disease and it disturbs me because I am powerless and one day it will take her life.
Another person in my family has trouble seeing through all the BS he/she tells itself and abuses some disgusting crap, and that disturbs me.
I may have a tiny bit of an anger issue about certain things and I personally need to get a handle on it, and that disturbs me.
I had nightmares just about every night last week.
Disturbed, I'm telling you.
I am at home with the girls most of my day. We do things together and get out in the fresh air to play and chat. But my issues/ disturbances are always hanging over my head like a raincloud reading to rumble with thunder and drench me with pouring rain.
I could cry at any given moment.
I know that my home life is storybook these days and that I deserve to have all the joy in the world knowing I have this, but why can't I let some things go?
How do people with these issues let out anger and disgust?
I try to live a healthy life and I just don't feel like I am totally healthy emotionally right now.
Recently I read that the last thing a guy/ husband wants in his relationship is a woman with emotional problems.
WHOA! My husband seems like he's one of those types. He is pretty stable emotionally with dips here and there, and he expects me to be the same. I wish I could live up to that.
To keep this short, (ha!) I wish I had a place to channel the negative energy that I get when learning facts about the aforementioned and wrote more often and better. I need to write.

I e-mailed Sweet/Salty Kate and got some advice from her.
She said I should just dump out about 5 stories from my life that evoked emotion and let it hurt but heal. She said to form the rough stories into a piece and put together a generally interesting article.
I've talked before about writing an article for a magazine and having it published in hopes of possibly having a published book one day.
I would then need to interject some medical facts from scholarly article to back up some claims and information I've learned and dealt with throughout the years.
I need motivation, courage and skill.
I also need materials, time and a willing magazine/ publisher.
I need to be heard.
I feel like my voice is lost. It's not necessarily lost in those closest to me but it's not meaningful either.
I probably just need therapy, but this way I might help someone too.

The time has come

I need a new place to express myself. I am so limited here. This will be my place to post pics of my girls and dote on them for friends and family to see. I will begin a new, anonymous blog to express the dark subjects that bother me. I need to get a lot off my chest. I might want to have those things in black and white for a number of reasons, but I definitely need to have them off my mind. This thought brings me great excitement and joy. It's weird how out of darkness there can come light.
I will return after I let out some baggage.

More pics

I have really been slack about this stuff, but I want to capture as many memories as possible. These shots are from our beach trip in early August. We ventured out beyond our normal limits and took far too much luggage. We survived and got some cute pics too.

Picture Post

Ending Summer

I resist change... it's true. I am not anxiously awaiting fall at all. I want to continue thinking about beach trips only one month away and putting Bella's sundresses on every morning. I want to sweat while standing outside for five minutes and take afternoon naps when the heat is unbearable.
I felt the chill a couple of times already and I am aware that it's coming soon but I don't have to like it. For some reason I can only think about the frigid winter and I hate the frigid cold weather. Watermelons, meals outdoors and bare baby feet will only be pleasant memories and distant dreams.
However, I am excited to send Bella to her 3's class at school. And I am excited to see the colors the leaves turn and the fair and festivals happening in the coming months.
After that it's full on holiday season. It's weird to think of holiday shopping and sweaters, leafless trees and brown grass when a drive to the store produces enough sweat that I have to shower twice a day.
I am preparing in small ways to make the change more acceptable. I bought a Yankee Candle Pumpkin Spice wafer to burn.
Hopefully the change happens slowly since we have one more beach trip to make. I love warm September days since by birthday is there toward the end. I suppose God knew what He was doing when He planned my birthday. Anything helps when I think of ending summer and having to accept the change.

Gone too soon

What is it that gets one through hard times? Is it denial, or ignorance; or is it just compartmentalizing the pain and letting it out in time over years with periods of happiness in between?
I never feel more uncomfortable than when I am told that someone suffered a loss of a child. I never know if my brain would really know how to handle that if it were me. I feel vulnerable, yet sickeningly lucky, at the same time. It makes me feel weak, and selfish, and young.
I have never lost someone extremely close to me. I did lose my 2 great-grandmothers, whom I grew less acquainted with, in my 20's. (Now, I don't feel that young when write "my 20's.")
My children are extensions of me. In my mind they require me to control every aspect of their days and nights, so I see them as a physical part of me that sleeps in another room. They are me and I am them and I feel what they feel....for now anyway.
But, if I were to lose them, I would not have a part of myself anymore. My world would be broken and incomplete and dark. I would sit at the grave (chills) and read them bedtime stories. I would make their plate for dinner. I would sleep with the things that they slept with, until I felt right about the gaping hole in my reality. Parents and loved ones would not be a huge comfort to me for some time, and I would probably tick off everyone who reached out to hold me. I am not too cuddly under emotional stress.
I am truly sorry for the loss of Charlotte Rendine. I never met her, but I saw her mother pregnant with her while we were on a trip out west to meet some of Tommy's close college friends. She was cherished from conception. She died the other day from the brain cancer she battled for years. She had so many tumors the doctors could not put her on chemotherapy without compromising her 6-year-old quality of life. Now, she's gone.
Like pages in a book, days will go by, and then her parents will bury their first born child. They kept the strength for their young family with help from all sides. Now they're left reeling in the wake of their loss.
Her name and body will mark a place on Earth as her life and spirit made a place in her family's heart. God bless her family and may He hold them in His arms while they grieve over His angel.
She is simply gone too soon.

Catching up

I have let down my precious second daughter by not writing more about her and her development. Tori, I am so sorry and I hope to make up for it in this blog soon!
She is sooo different from Bella. She started walking later (late 10th month,) she babbled sooner (with none of the grunting that Bella loved to do,) and she has a wonderful playmate (lately) that Bella didn't get because she was the first. Bella has had her bumps in the road of learning how to be the big sis'. But, now she seems to listen and understand that Tori is a person with feelings and she can't snatch everything away from her because she's (slightly) smaller. Tori says certain words when she wants to like, a-bane (airplane), oggie (doggie), and ba (ball). She loves her "Little Angel" dolly from Wal-Mart, I've seriously considered buying another one to have as a spare in case she loses this one. She loves to bit the feet. I need to post more pics but, I'm lucky to get as much done as I do now.
Tori is a sponge and I feel like I should be buying flash cards to enrich her into a genius, but that effort goes out of my head almost as soon as I think of it.
Bella would benefit from that too I might add. She has really blossomed lately. She recognizes most numbers and letters. She asks great questions. She even draws circles and stick figures (after watching me do it since that's all I can do).
She loves to play pretend especially while she's supposed to be napping! I hope her nap time isn't going away, I truly love that time to myself.
Bot the girls eat really well. I had to put my foot down about a few issues Bella was having at the dinner table and other times when she wants to make a scene. She really responds well to discipline and listens when she knows there are consequences. I have a feeling year 4 for her may be really challenging for me. Man, I hope I can handle it!
Tori is still pretty easy. She wants to go out the door if it's open and throws a fit for what she wants. She's really strong and feisty sometimes and really smiley and cuddly other times. She's is a head turner. Everywhere we go she gets a compliment on her eyes. They really are gorgeous and remind me of my mother's. She is a gorgeous baby. She looks so much like Tommy when he was small.
Bella's hair is the color of honey with blond streaks. It's so funny to see my girls, each with one light feature like my mother. Weird.
I am feeling very adventurous ( which is also weird because I have still have shoulder pain like crazy) and we are going to drive to the beach, just us girls. We will meet Leslie and Ashlyn there and only stay for a couple of days. I pray that it goes the way I hope.
I am also having a small yard sale in the morning in hopes to fund the trip and this is no small feat. I really am not being very organized about it at all. I needed to have done a few more things to prepare! But, I am feeling adventurous so I may as well go with it. This is a great contrast from my "oh, we can't possibly go anywhere today, it's just too much work" mentality.
We mostly stay home or go to the local parks. Sometimes we swim, but that is short-lived with a one-year-old. She still naps in the morning and afternoon. Bella really could have gone to the Summer pre-school program for better entertainment. But, I thought we would have no problem. Goes to show you what I know about that.
Bella will go back to school September 8th. I can't believe it's almost here, I feel like it's still May.
I hope I caught up on some of the key events going on around here.

Lovely Girls

Little girls are beads and bows,
painted toes,
dresses, hearts and hats.
Their soft, sweet skin,
bright, wide grin
loving touch and kiss
make every adorable moment one you're glad you didn't miss.
Heaven knew
the impact you
would make on every one you met.
Now, I can't wait for each new day
to watch you grow into your best yet.

108 days and counting

It's been 108 days since I became a SAHM. In the beginning, I was in disbelief that I was so lucky to be waking up every morning for the sole purpose of caring for our girls. I still marvel at that simple fact. Now, the novelty comes and goes.
After the initial novelty I found my groove in a daily routine. I made sure all went smoothly and everyone was entertained as much as possible. I thought I conquered the job and I was officially a professional mom.
Now, I see a new dawn emerging. There needs to be a balance. I must include myself as a socially functioning 30-year-old in my weekly plan. I have all but cut out my gym visits. I have no "dates" with my husband, however, we try very hard to stay connected and communicate as much as possible. I don't write very often. However, I have been able to start reading more (now that I've figured out the library book layout at the library) which makes me very happy. It's an escape, for sure!!
That's what I need... an escape. I need a ballet class, or a meditation session or something to recharge my proverbial "me" battery.
Today, like many other days this summer, the girls and I went to the pool. We played, I watched the girls try to swim, and it was nice. It was nice because I was out of the house with my girls and we were able to go to a place that I wasn't responsible for cleaning and we could just "be".
But, as I laid awake tonight in my bed, I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to swim. I have been in a pool numerous times and, for some strange reason, I refuse to swim.
I just want to let go and do some laps. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until I forget where I am. I want to pretend I am in my parents above ground pool in the 1990's ducking under the water, eyes open, belly almost touching the bottom.
I want to graze my hand over the dip from the shallow end to the deep end feeling the liner laying over the lumpy earth.
I want to lay on the bottom of that pool and linger, as I did as a teeager and consider almost nothing while doing so.
I need to loosen up.
The girls don't need to know that Mommy needs less responsibility today. They don't deserve the frustrated me that surprises them in my fits of anger over the 7th poop in the tub this month, or the three-peat pattern Bella has adopted when communicating about almost anything. They deserve the best and I feel waaaaay less than perfect lately.
I hope they know I try hard every day to be a little less tense. Some days are better than others though, that's for sure.
Most days may not be filled with magic or mystery but I hope they see that I try to fill them with niceties and love.
Meanwhile, I need to strike a balance. I need to get my shoulders away from my ears and have a drink... without them.
I could try to do some laps and put myself back on the list soon. It will do us all good. I've said it before, I would not trade this time for anything! But, I may want to add a little to it and make it more pleasant for all.

These days we're....

Finding any reason to wear bathing suits, hanging out with family and friends when we can, and trying to keep the little ones busy while in and around the house.
It's been a great summer so far. I am excited for Bella to go back to school for the art and games with friends, but I don't want to wish this incredible time away.

Impact

I am not a fanatic and I don't own his paraphernalia but, I can define some moments of my life with his music. Michael Jackson will be buried today and the world media's eyes are on his memorial. I too am at home watching it with teary eyes.
His existence is unforgettable. I met his music at the early age in dance class during recital rehearsals to perform a 5-year-old version of "Thriller".
What a sight.
Twenty 5-year-olds in old lady dresses (as if we were the walking dead) carrying old lady purses, stomping in time toward the front of the stage during the crescendo. We were definitely not the only crew moved to perform because of the greatest hits by Michael Jackson.
Another memory comes back to me from when I was ten and I borrowed my mother's cassette tape to listen to MJ on my new Walkman. I bopped around and memorized every word to every song (whilst desperately trying to figure out what "Shamon" meant) then my appreciation and love for pop music was born.
In high school "Black or White" came out and the racial barriers were challenged for the youth as they were. Was it necessary to perpetuate the hate when the stars of our generation were mixtures of all races? Certainly not.
The final memory that will always be with me came when I diapered a feisty Bella. The first song I sang to her was the first one that popped into my head when she would cry during diaper changes. "Rockin Robin" was light and entertaining and it was the most youthful tune I could produce as my kid song repertoire was not yet developed. Bella loved it and, frankly, so did I.
I will not miss the controversial Michael Jackson. My life will not be different at all. But, there will never be another MJ. And, I will always appreciate his music and remember his impact on my musical life (as small as it may seem), and the changes he made to the way people should think of one another.

My Dearest Victoria,

On this, you're very first birthday, I feel the need to gush about the purity of our bond, the true love and emotion that I constantly realize when gazing into your grey-blue eyes. But, I regress, and instead, I will gush about the cute stage you've grown into.
The other day you said "Uh, oh!" for the first time, today you climbed down the tiny step from the kitchen into Daddy's office. You still don't say Dada often, but Mama comes out when you're tired, mad, or want to get out of bed.
You and your sister fight (mildly) over toys and attention. Bella still sees you as a pushover and we all know that your spirit is not going to take that very much longer.
You love to cuddle right after a good nap. You hug with your arms down and the side of your head firmly pressed on our shoulders. That is a favorite for us.
Your not-so-sly peek-a-boo is hilarious, your cackle is contagious, and tickling you can turn any frown upside down.
Sometimes, when you and Bella are being quiet in Bella's room, I sneak down the hall to see what's going on, and you are playing harmoniously side by side with no problem. I've seen Bella treat you tenderly and play nicely with you, but this mostly happens when I'm not looking because she's too scared I might think she likes having a sister.
She started being protective with you early on. We all stopped by a baby shower when you were 2 or 3 months old and when were preparing to exit, she told a lady who was holding you that she wanted "her sister back."
Some folks have threatened to keep you, just to tease Bella, and she always yells, "No, that's my Bigtoria. She's my sister, you can't have her." She's been near tears with that one.
I never want to spend a second without you. I don't want all these cute days to end, but they will. Eventually, they will give way to teenage years and we will need a vacation from each other. But, until then, expect your mom to be glued to you and Bella, camera in hand, watching most every move you make.
You only have one first birthday, and I am so thrilled to celebrate yours today.
All my love,
Mommy

From your overly emotional mother

Since Tori's birthday is tomorrow I looked through some pictures to purposely conjure up the emotions from her birth. The emotions, I fear, will come up at every birthday, every event that both the girls take part in, and every milestone they cross. I am sure to be the weeping mother choking back every tear to keep them from constantly saying, "Oh, mom. STOP IT!"
I just can't help but think that my baby won't be a baby much longer. The gummy grins and wobbly legs will be replaced with gaped teeth and dancing feet. This is all very wonderful, but I just can't take it.
I totally wish I could just keep giving birth to them both over and over every year forever because that would be easier that facing the fact that my girls can only be my babies for so long.
It's pathetic to be this way and pathetic to cry over something so sweet and cute as a baby turning one, but no one really knows until they have their own. It kind of catches one by surprise.
I selfishly want them both to stay small and totally dependent on me for, well, longer than a couple of years!
Is that so awful?
My grandmother made me promise that I wouldn't grow up when I was little. I know she's happy that I turned out okay. But sometimed she really just wants to see her little Julie, who stood 4 feet tall and looked at her with glorious, childish wonder and delight.
I knew I was going to grow up. I knew I wanted to have my own children and now that I have them ,I fear I will never be able to let go.
I know they have to grow and I know how lucky we are to have their health and happiness. I simply don't know what shape I would be in right now if their first years had been any less smooth and enchanting.
Tomorrow will be emotional for me, but I like it. I can always use a good cry and if all I have to cry about is my baby turning one day older, then some things are obviously going well.
Happy birthday tomorrow, Tori. I hope to post something better for you tomorrow.

Just pitiful

In a phrase, my blog-keeping has been just pitiful. I need to find the original cord to the camera. You might think I've had plenty of time but it just hasn't been a priority. The posts are much better with pics and the creativity flows more. Tori is about to turn one and I feel lost. I need to cement my feelings on this blog and let them go. I am an emotional wreck when it comes to the way time flies with my children. I try to wollow in the baby times and make quality time often, but there is no stopping the clock. I will be back on here very soon. I need to be. In a sense I am lost without you, blog. I need these moments in print.