The Picture

Snap. There it is stored on a camera not even downloaded yet and I can see myself, as a fifty year old lady, looking at it in a scrapbook reminiscing.
August 26, 2008 the day Ashley holds her second son. My childhood friend and confidant has another child not two months after I had Tori. Her first child is only 6 months younger than Bella. These kids will know each other very well and play for years to come.
To me, Ashley is the friend who never betrayed me or my trust. The girl I fought over boys with and shared the most embarrassing moments with. The girl that grew into a woman with me and knows me so well because she was there when I was learning who I was. These are our good ole days. The weddings are over, the pregnancies successful and, now, the children are born. Those childhood dreams are now life and they come with deep responsibility and we are not afraid because we have each other. This provides me with great comfort. I now have company in the land of those with two small children. I have someone to understand my frets before I even utter them.
Joshua Wayne is beautiful and healthy. He stands as the last child that any of my friends may ever have. Some friends are struggling with their husbands or reproductive luck and that picture may be the end of an era. The pregnant era. One that will be missed for all it's events both bad and good. The phenomena of not remembering the bad happens with that as well as childbirth. These thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I am afraid that we are changed. Changed by our kids. We no longer live for us. They are the world and we get up in the morning for them. We work until our fingers bleed for them and we will not have ourselves back for the next 18 years. Though tears fall, they fall on a smile and with great pride.
We did this.
And, girlfriend, we did it well.
Congratulations to Ashley and Artie. Enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

Today

Today I actually have some time to myself and all I can do is think of things I need to do for other people. I just want to take a nap and blog. When I don't have time to think I come up with great ideas for posts and write them in my head. They are whitty and interesting and when I sit down to the computer I feel guilty for thinking too long before typing. No, I can't remember the post ideas from yesterday or even earlier this morning. So here are some random things roaming through my head today.
Men should have to pump breast milk from their breasts too.
Little babies are so beautiful that there can never be enough pictures taken of them.
Do other mothers start speaking gibberish instead of actual words because too much is going through their mind?
Well, you get the idea.

short and sweet

My girls are growing like weeds. Bella starts school (pre-preschool) on the 2nd. I am going back to work around the same time.
Things are getting a little easier and that feels good.

Shhhh!

I hate to write this because I don't want to jinx myself but the baby is sleeping 5 hours at a time at night and sometimes through the night. Yay! It's pretty cool except some of my milk is drying up because I cannot force myself out of bed to pump for fear I will wake her plus it's too tempting to stay in bed.
She is getting so big and more beautiful every day. It really is amazing to experience having a baby. The pregnancy and delivery and now the home time is just sweet and has been pretty perfect, there have been only minor happenings to complain about.
I do plan on returning to work. I don't have a date in my mind but I know it will be soon and the time will fly no matter how long I'm allowed to stay home with the little darlings. I just wish that I could have more time every day. More for myself, more for Bella, less for the breast pump and more to fit work in there too. I hate thinking of only seeing them a couple hours a day every day again. It was hard letting Bella go when I went back to work after her birth. It was extremely emotional. Now that there are two to think about while I work I just don't know how I will concentrate and let go.

In Love

The bonds are strengthening and as Tori pulls out her first smiles and coos we are falling in love.

The bond I have with Bella is unshakable and now I am growing closer to my new daughter and it feels wonderful. Bella is sensing the changes. She has to share me. She is in love too in her own way. She goes up to Tori and says she's cute and that she wants to hold her, but she also lets out some jealous comments now and then. She sees the baby sleep in our room, held in our arms and is fed her bottle with gazes and smiles.

Bella will love being a sister. If their personalities are as similar as their looks then they will be best friends.

Tommy is such a rock. His emotional state always appears put together while I torture myself with little stresses. He makes me fall in love with him over and over daily with his compartmentalizing skills.

As you can see I am enchanted by the family right now. I have been through some very blue moments and they may return but all in all I am doing quite well... as long as I stay home. I'm not very adventurous yet.

Pressure

Today marks Tori's 3rd week. She is thriving and growing fast. It's hard to believe that it's already been that long. BUT, it really isn't that long at all. You see, I have been feeling pressure. I don't know if it's me being sensitive or if it's real, but I feel like I'm being pushed. I need more time to heal. My body is not ready for even the smallest outing with both of my kids by myself. My emotions barely handle the mundane, much less the dramatic. And, I certainly can't be trusted with responsibilities further than me and my baby. I need more time.
The pressure comes from all around. Bella pressures me to play and horse around and some of that is fun for me too, but to her there's never enough.
Tori pressures me. She needs more milk now. I am pumping only and I have to stimulate that milk with more pumping. It takes a lot of patience to sit and pump ten times a day.
Marriage produces pressure to stand up and be the partner that you once were but certainly are not at this moment.
Family and friends pressure me to call and keep them abreast of every little thing. I can't remember what day it is sometimes and people are getting their feelings hurt because I haven't called, invited or sent pictures. I haven't even begun to design a birth announcement... GASP!
I just can't move fast enough for some people. It's all because I'm not ready.
I need more time. I'm almost 30. Not 20. I can't be held up to old standards. I just can't.

What it is

Since I've been home with the new baby a routine is making itself. It's not fun but it's here to stay for a while and it involves the sweetest gift. So, it's not a complaint just a statement.
sun rises
bottle warming
sleepy mommy feeding very sleepy baby
fight with baby to wake her up...after all she did just wake me up
one hour passes
clean pumping accessories
pump milk for next bottle
try to get once very sleepy baby back to sleep
fail at that
stay up
get Bella out of bed for breakfast
wish no one needed to eat and everyone would just sleep til noon
eat breakfast
put baby down to sleep
take Bella to Mom's
come home and nap
feed baby
clean pumping accessories
pump milk
wonder why I can't successfully nurse a baby at my breast
wish formula didn't make babies scream in agony
listen to the pump (it talks, you know)
wonder why babies have their days and nights mixed up
wonder how possible it is for me to go on like this
take a nap
wake up feeling guilty for sleeping on a beautiful day
pump milk
try to feed very sleepy baby
rock very sleepy baby and smell top of her head...mmmmm
rub her cheeks and arms to try and commit to memory the tender moment
greet Bella as she comes home
wonder when Bella will forgive me for dedicating a lot of attention to her sister
Bella screams, "I can't like a Mommy."
no forgiveness today
go blog about it all
play outside on swing set
realize the nursing pads never made it back into tank top
nice
cook dinner
give bath
take shower
read stories
sing songs
pretend that I'm not having emotional issues (I am a bad faker)
have emotional issues
clean something furiously
brush teeth
what is floss again?
climb in to bed to watch boob tube
pump milk
wake sleepy baby to feed her
lay her down to sleep more
sleepy baby not so sleepy anymore
baby naps
12am mommy lays down
2am baby wakes up
1 hour feeding and pumping time
3am-ish mommy lays down
5am baby wakes up
feed baby
baby does not want to go back to sleep
7am baby may go back to sleep
mommy lays down
9am Bella wakes up and it all begins again.

Whew.
I'm tired.