Looking forward...

Here's a photo of my girl "looking froward," it's one of my faves.

I am in need of a holiday, one that only requires chatting, laying around, laughing and playing with my girl. I am going to the beach with two of my best friends from high school and I can't wait! We haven't been on a trip together in ages. We are all at a proverbial crossroads in our life. Leslie is going to real estate school in September, Ashley and I are planning baby2s and I think we are all growing up a little more.

I love going places with my girlfriends it makes me feel such comfort to have the girls that knew me way back when get my jokes, know my reactions, and pick on me just to laugh at/with me. I took for granted all those years that Ashley was right across the street and Leslie was always going with me here and there. We are good girls who had a lot of good times and made truly great memories. This vacation may, unfortunately, be the last chance we get to go to the beach together. I hope so much that it works out and that we can make a tradition of it.
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Lately, I have been feeling better. My cough is half gone and I am getting a grip on my emotions. We are planning on expanding our house and I am excited about that. We want to put an addition on to make our master suite sweet. I'm really excited to see Tommy get to plan this for us and watch our project come to be. He loves logistics and planning and fixture details and placing doors, windows, tubs etc... Our future baby2 (no I'm not pregnant) will then enjoy his/her own room and closet (as of now I am using the extra closet in his/her room.)

It really does a lot for my morale to look forward to something and it's even better when it's multiple things.

Matters of the heart

Yesterday was not the best day for me. I hurt someone that I truly love and never wish anything but smiles and happiness. My husband read my blog and saw a post about an issue we had a few weeks ago. There is no reason to rehash the issue, but I did only mention my tension with him and not my happiness. My intentions with this blog are to exercise my inner writing fanatic and let out some, but not too much, of my thoughts and feeling about what is going on around me at that time. I am not making excuses. I just want to post that Tommy is my rock. I look up to him, he is wise beyond his years and I love being married to him. I compliment him all the time, but somehow I have managed 20 posts and not mentioned it here. I think it may be because my worries are not with him. I tend to dwell and churn about issues and spit them out here for a little concreteness. I'm sorry and I see my error.

In other news, I am getting better after a ridiculously drawn out coughing spell. My days are getting less stressful and I am looking forward to getting back into exercising.

My mom is needing less maintenance lately too, so that's refreshing. And, I would like to wish Tommy an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Precious Moments

The top picture is self explanatory, the middle is at Chuck E. Cheese's, the bottom is in the back yard helping me water the thirsty flowers. Too cute! Happy eighteen months Bella.

Lapping up the cuteness...

Bella's tantrums have waned...for now, and we are back in toddler heaven.. And I wanted to share these very dear pics. She's imagining and playing so much.

Per Wikipedia...

A lot of my days are spent thinking about this...


Personality disorder, formerly referred to as a Characterological disorder is a class of mental illness characterized by rigid and on-going patterns of thought and action. The underlying belief systems informing these patterns are referred to as fixed fantasies. The inflexibility and pervasiveness of these behavioral patterns often cause serious personal and social difficulties, as well as a general impairment of functioning.
Personality disorders are defined by the American Psychiatric Association as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". [1] These patterns, as noted, are inflexible and pervasive across many situations, due in large part to the fact that such behavior is ego-syntonic (i.e., the patterns are consistent with the ego integrity of the individual), and therefore, perceived to be appropriate by that individual. The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to the beginning of adulthood, and, in rare instances, early adolescence

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock, is a controversial psychiatric treatment in which seizures are induced with electricity. Today, ECT is most often used as a treatment for severe major depression which has not responded to other treatment, and is also occasionally used in the treatment of mania, catatonia, schizophrenia and other disorders. It first gained widespread use as a form of treatment in the 1940s and 50s; today, an estimated 1 million people worldwide receive ECT every year,[1] usually in a course of 6-12 treatments administered 2 or 3 times a week. Electroconvulsive therapy can differ in its application in three ways; electrode placement, length of time that the stimulus is given, and the property of the stimulus. ECT has been shown clinically to be the most effective treatment for severe depression. For at least half of the patients, benefits are short-lived. After treatment, drug therapy can be continued, and some patients receive continuation/maintenance ECT. Side-effects include amnesia, which may be persistent in a minority of patients, and confusion, which usually clears within hours of treatment. It is widely accepted that ECT does not cause brain damage. Informed consent is a standard of modern electroconvulsive therapy; involuntary treatment is uncommon and is typically only used when the use of ECT is considered potentially life saving.

Someone call the parenting police...

What was I thinking? Did no one tell her? Oh Jees, I have to run out there right now to tell her! This is what was going through my mind as I stood there slyly watching Bella frolic outside from the office window. She laid down on the small hill in the backyard, looked up and pointed. She almost said a word but nothing came out. So relaxed (unusual for a toddler) then she just put her finger down, crossed her arms and stared straight up... then a look of bewilderment took over her face. That's when this: What was I thinking? Did no one tell her? Oh Jees, I have to run out there right now to tell her! popped into my head. The sky, that's the sky. See it's blue and has white clouds but mostly it's just clear and blue sky. I was embarrassed, had no one told her what that big, and bright omnipresent beauty was over our heads? She can say please and buckle and she doesn't know that's the sky?
Eventually, I got over my initial surprise that no one pointed that out to her. We go through the day doing everything possible for all of us and somehow we forgot to tell her that the sky is always above. She didn't mind that I was very persistent about her knowing and understanding the sky. Maybe she got it and maybe not. I will forever, from this point on try my darnedest to point out and think of what is so usual and obvious and explain the heck out of it for Bella. She deserves to know and to know as early as possible. There are too many people out there who don't know why the sky is blue! My daughter deserves to, and hopefully will, have the most knowledge possible for a child her age, but it's up to me!
Do you know what happened later? After Bella came inside I was bathing her and I realized that I am not the only person this child associates with daily. Someone else may have mentioned the sky before and she just forgot. She could forget. It is not just me that inputs into her experiences, vocabulary and wisdom. It is so many. I really flattered myself this time with the whole me, me, me submerging from said realization. This world is so big, there is so much to learn. I still learn from my parents at age 28, things that I should have known before I got married, hell, even before I went to college. But, we never stop learning and we can only realize the true volume and importance of our children's minds.
Lesson learned. This girl passed through me and now belongs to this world. Some things are great and some are small, but it is how much attention we pay to them and how we translate them to the next generations that matters (to me.)

Barely here

My blog has definitely been feeling rejected lately. Not only am I working hard and trying to get exercise and clear out some of the stress that office dwelling takes on me, I am sick again. Maybe my cold that I had a couple of weeks ago never had a chance to completely heal and it was secretly getting worse because of stress.
My Mom stayed with us over the weekend and it ended badly. She is riddled with illnesses and frankly that makes me ill. Today she's at the doctor about vomit, yesterday it was the ECT and then again tomorrow. The thing is that's how she's been my whole life since I can remember. I am trying my best to lead the healthiest life (with few exceptions,) have fun and be a fun wife, mother and daughter and be good at my job. There is only so much a person can take on before the chemical reactions of swallowing the stress anger and rage explodes and brings about more sickness. I think that's what my problem is. I am trying to push through it though. I have vowed to read my new books, run/walk/jog as much as possible and play with my daughter the way I want to, all in an attempt to recapture my prebaby pace and stresslessness. She is not my stress. So why can't I recapture the lightness that I once felt?
Lately the baby2 chatter has heightened in my house. There is some serious insurance shopping going on and we are down to the wire. We are planning on being preg by end of September. Does stress keep one from becoming preg? I get very excited to think about being preg again. I can't wait. Have I lost my mind? I think the reason for this is that when I was pregnant, I felt more healthy than ever and I miss that. I felt like I had a reason to take extra special care of myself and lie down when I was tired, take my vitamins every day, ask the doctor about every little thing; but now I feel like I have to sweep me under the rug and deal with "it."

Monster Munchkin

My beautiful angel of a daughter has been less than pleased lately. I'm not sure if she's stressed out because her routine is compromised with Mom staying at my house and all. But she sure had some major conniption fits lately. Some of the biggest tears I have ever seen gush from her precious eyes, then she gets snotty and thrashes. She won't let me hold her and she won't calm down for, sometimes, more than 20 minutes. I feel sorry for her but nothing seems terribly wrong. Maybe it's her getting older and perceiving a lot more, such as stress. I sure have had my yearly dose and it's only August. She wakes up a few times before midnight and cries. I took her to the doctor last week and she is on antibiotics for an ear infection that supposedly wasn't even a full blown red infection, per the doc. She's taken the antibiotic before and she's not grabbing anything that could be hurting, such as her ears. I am forced to let time tell how much she will fuss and what will calm her. Sometimes it takes different things like, going outside for a change of scenery, some juice instead of milk or vice versa. Sometimes she's hungry sometimes she won't eat at meal time and my pushing leads to these tantrums. I realize how very new at this I still am. I wonder about my second child. Will he/she be a little more chill? No matter what I will still love but I am at my limit, stress-wise, lately. And, how does one deal with two? Many questions are flying through my head. Kudos to the moms of more than one.

Another ode to the cat...

I would just like to post another picture of Footsie because he is such a model feline. Now if I could just get those wildflowers he's sitting in to bloom.

Munday

Beep, beep, beep...the common noise in the hum drum recovery room. The clock is moving slower than honey from the freezer. We arrived here at 6:30am and they finally took Mom back at 9am. The lights here are so bright that it would feel like day in the middle of the night. This makes it impossible for me to close my eyes for longer than a few seconds. CNN is on the tube reminding me that I should not complain because I had to get up early...a damn bridge collapsed ya know?! Don't you dare be angry, it subliminally says to me, I'll give you something to be angry about. So, silently I sit and wait for my mom to have her ECT. The sessions she had ten years ago seems to have worn off and now I am here for her since the prescription her doctor wrote for her transportation was not filled.





The last time I had to bring Mom in for this she had hit bottom. Her spirit was deflated and hurt. She kept trying to hurt herself. She didn't care about anything in this world but I was always there for her. And, the last time, I happen to be the only one left. For once she had no husband, her mom had moved away, her father was not well and I am only child so I got the job by default. I get to take her to her brain zapping sessions so that she will stop over dramatizing little things and begin to see life past depression, anger and loss. I don't lock in a lot of the memories from way back but I keep just enought of them to remind myself of how different of a mother I am going to be. Unfortunately this action I am doing now, writing, is one of the best ways to concentrate on my feeling about her troubles.





One lucky aspect is that I am not like that. I have a lot of my mother's traits but I am not a depressed, anxious rollercoaster of an individual. I have feet firmly on the ground. I have been fighting something though. I guess I am not letting out enough emotion because for over a year I have had chronic pain. The pain moves from my shoulders to my neck, my back, my hands, and the list goes on and on. I felt my shoulders tense up this moring. It was a reminder that there is some emotion here and if I don't let it out, my body will push it out. It's called TMS and I am not overcome with it all the time. Just when I need to be the strongest, I feel the pain and my body is expressing emotion because I won't.





Just like many women, my emotions run the gamet. I have no lack of cries, laughs and the in between. I just have a little more stress than my body can take. So, the way I understand it is my brain is reacting by cutting off oxygen to whatever it feels like that day. It's really annoying and it does make me want to cry. The problem is I haven't quite figured out the outlet I should be using to get this extra stress out.





I used to run until my kness were weak. That did get me through some hard times. It also got me into some flattering clothes. So lately I have been trying to get back out there and "run/walk/jog" as I call it. But, darned if the stress doesn't take me down first.





When my mom came out of her session, she was red-faced and said, "Hi angel...where's Bella?"


Bella had not come with us but she didn't remember that, she didn't even remember what hospital we were in. She thought for a minute that she had done something stupid again to land herself in the hospital. I just smiled rubbed her shoulder and caught her up so she could conjur up her own memory. She cried a little thinking about why she had to have this ECT again. Even though nothing dangerous had happened she still felt broken... and zapped.