Making Peace

It's been quite a while since my last post and it seems like a hundred things have happened. We celebrated Halloween with some great neighbors. Bella was Belle and Tori was a pink poodle... who refused to wear the hat part that looked like a poodle. Basically, she looked like a pink ball of fluff.
Mom has had her share of ups and downs with meds and situations that may make her move again.
My cousin Nick passed away and that sent shockwaves through the family as he was only 28 years old.
Momaw is in the hospital with heart problems and we are all praying for her safe return home without any incident. She needs to have multiple procedures and she's scared.
I would be too.
Tori is blossoming beautifully and growing like a weed.
Here are some Tori-isms:
"huppa" this means she wants what's on top of the fridge- pretzels, crispix etc..., or that she wants you to pick her up or get on the bed.
"soos" she has a passion for shoes
"baby" no need to explain
"apple"
"puppies"
"hat"
"pizza" she loves pizza
"milk" also loves milk
She's also learned to shake that little head no if she wants to, do the "If you're happy and you know it" dance and play lots of peek-a-boo.
It's been truly wonderful being home this Fall. We made leaf banners in wax paper. Took a "nature walk" down the street and took a lot of cute pics!!
Bella was dancer of the week last week, sooooo cute to have a sign that said that in our yard all week.
Unfortunately the girls have caught 5 or six colds since August which caused 2 ear infections and a sinus infection. It really is pitiful all the mucus that swells their faces and causes pain. Pre-school has a drawback- the germ pool.
There's been just about every emotion imaginable going through our hearts.
Thanksgiving was different too. Not because of food or travel or anything like that, but knowing my aunt will never have her first born home for another holiday is painful. Sisters are missing the big brother and his friends are plain dumbfounded.
I couldn't imagine. All my love of family is amplified since his passing, and the awareness of how fragile life is resounds.
I'm looking forward to the Christmas spirit filling our home and the girls.
We need spirit now that the cold weather will be keeping us inside more.
It's time to get creative!

quick pix

Just to update, we've really been keeping busy and trying to enjoy every warm day that we encounter.
Our first "family of four" trip to the beach was exciting and challenging. It was interesting to say the least.
The girls are growing and hitting milestones like crazy. Tori is trying to talk. We can catch words here and there. She's trying to run too, so that's fun.
They are growing but they really are little and precious, angelic even.
Pumpkin time is upon us and thanks to Grandma, Bella had a great time painting some. We have started our decor at the front door and are getting into the spirit. I have tons of pics to post and will try to do more soon.
I must have a thousand to get developed s, don't take it personally blog, I'm slackin all over!

Unloading

Ok, so I never really started that other blog and I truly think I should be able to unload anywhere I want to. This is my place of expression and if you don't like it don't look at it.
So, here it is.
Someone in my family is sick with a terrible and highly stigmatized disease and it disturbs me because I am powerless and one day it will take her life.
Another person in my family has trouble seeing through all the BS he/she tells itself and abuses some disgusting crap, and that disturbs me.
I may have a tiny bit of an anger issue about certain things and I personally need to get a handle on it, and that disturbs me.
I had nightmares just about every night last week.
Disturbed, I'm telling you.
I am at home with the girls most of my day. We do things together and get out in the fresh air to play and chat. But my issues/ disturbances are always hanging over my head like a raincloud reading to rumble with thunder and drench me with pouring rain.
I could cry at any given moment.
I know that my home life is storybook these days and that I deserve to have all the joy in the world knowing I have this, but why can't I let some things go?
How do people with these issues let out anger and disgust?
I try to live a healthy life and I just don't feel like I am totally healthy emotionally right now.
Recently I read that the last thing a guy/ husband wants in his relationship is a woman with emotional problems.
WHOA! My husband seems like he's one of those types. He is pretty stable emotionally with dips here and there, and he expects me to be the same. I wish I could live up to that.
To keep this short, (ha!) I wish I had a place to channel the negative energy that I get when learning facts about the aforementioned and wrote more often and better. I need to write.

I e-mailed Sweet/Salty Kate and got some advice from her.
She said I should just dump out about 5 stories from my life that evoked emotion and let it hurt but heal. She said to form the rough stories into a piece and put together a generally interesting article.
I've talked before about writing an article for a magazine and having it published in hopes of possibly having a published book one day.
I would then need to interject some medical facts from scholarly article to back up some claims and information I've learned and dealt with throughout the years.
I need motivation, courage and skill.
I also need materials, time and a willing magazine/ publisher.
I need to be heard.
I feel like my voice is lost. It's not necessarily lost in those closest to me but it's not meaningful either.
I probably just need therapy, but this way I might help someone too.

The time has come

I need a new place to express myself. I am so limited here. This will be my place to post pics of my girls and dote on them for friends and family to see. I will begin a new, anonymous blog to express the dark subjects that bother me. I need to get a lot off my chest. I might want to have those things in black and white for a number of reasons, but I definitely need to have them off my mind. This thought brings me great excitement and joy. It's weird how out of darkness there can come light.
I will return after I let out some baggage.

More pics

I have really been slack about this stuff, but I want to capture as many memories as possible. These shots are from our beach trip in early August. We ventured out beyond our normal limits and took far too much luggage. We survived and got some cute pics too.

Picture Post

Ending Summer

I resist change... it's true. I am not anxiously awaiting fall at all. I want to continue thinking about beach trips only one month away and putting Bella's sundresses on every morning. I want to sweat while standing outside for five minutes and take afternoon naps when the heat is unbearable.
I felt the chill a couple of times already and I am aware that it's coming soon but I don't have to like it. For some reason I can only think about the frigid winter and I hate the frigid cold weather. Watermelons, meals outdoors and bare baby feet will only be pleasant memories and distant dreams.
However, I am excited to send Bella to her 3's class at school. And I am excited to see the colors the leaves turn and the fair and festivals happening in the coming months.
After that it's full on holiday season. It's weird to think of holiday shopping and sweaters, leafless trees and brown grass when a drive to the store produces enough sweat that I have to shower twice a day.
I am preparing in small ways to make the change more acceptable. I bought a Yankee Candle Pumpkin Spice wafer to burn.
Hopefully the change happens slowly since we have one more beach trip to make. I love warm September days since by birthday is there toward the end. I suppose God knew what He was doing when He planned my birthday. Anything helps when I think of ending summer and having to accept the change.

Gone too soon

What is it that gets one through hard times? Is it denial, or ignorance; or is it just compartmentalizing the pain and letting it out in time over years with periods of happiness in between?
I never feel more uncomfortable than when I am told that someone suffered a loss of a child. I never know if my brain would really know how to handle that if it were me. I feel vulnerable, yet sickeningly lucky, at the same time. It makes me feel weak, and selfish, and young.
I have never lost someone extremely close to me. I did lose my 2 great-grandmothers, whom I grew less acquainted with, in my 20's. (Now, I don't feel that young when write "my 20's.")
My children are extensions of me. In my mind they require me to control every aspect of their days and nights, so I see them as a physical part of me that sleeps in another room. They are me and I am them and I feel what they feel....for now anyway.
But, if I were to lose them, I would not have a part of myself anymore. My world would be broken and incomplete and dark. I would sit at the grave (chills) and read them bedtime stories. I would make their plate for dinner. I would sleep with the things that they slept with, until I felt right about the gaping hole in my reality. Parents and loved ones would not be a huge comfort to me for some time, and I would probably tick off everyone who reached out to hold me. I am not too cuddly under emotional stress.
I am truly sorry for the loss of Charlotte Rendine. I never met her, but I saw her mother pregnant with her while we were on a trip out west to meet some of Tommy's close college friends. She was cherished from conception. She died the other day from the brain cancer she battled for years. She had so many tumors the doctors could not put her on chemotherapy without compromising her 6-year-old quality of life. Now, she's gone.
Like pages in a book, days will go by, and then her parents will bury their first born child. They kept the strength for their young family with help from all sides. Now they're left reeling in the wake of their loss.
Her name and body will mark a place on Earth as her life and spirit made a place in her family's heart. God bless her family and may He hold them in His arms while they grieve over His angel.
She is simply gone too soon.

Catching up

I have let down my precious second daughter by not writing more about her and her development. Tori, I am so sorry and I hope to make up for it in this blog soon!
She is sooo different from Bella. She started walking later (late 10th month,) she babbled sooner (with none of the grunting that Bella loved to do,) and she has a wonderful playmate (lately) that Bella didn't get because she was the first. Bella has had her bumps in the road of learning how to be the big sis'. But, now she seems to listen and understand that Tori is a person with feelings and she can't snatch everything away from her because she's (slightly) smaller. Tori says certain words when she wants to like, a-bane (airplane), oggie (doggie), and ba (ball). She loves her "Little Angel" dolly from Wal-Mart, I've seriously considered buying another one to have as a spare in case she loses this one. She loves to bit the feet. I need to post more pics but, I'm lucky to get as much done as I do now.
Tori is a sponge and I feel like I should be buying flash cards to enrich her into a genius, but that effort goes out of my head almost as soon as I think of it.
Bella would benefit from that too I might add. She has really blossomed lately. She recognizes most numbers and letters. She asks great questions. She even draws circles and stick figures (after watching me do it since that's all I can do).
She loves to play pretend especially while she's supposed to be napping! I hope her nap time isn't going away, I truly love that time to myself.
Bot the girls eat really well. I had to put my foot down about a few issues Bella was having at the dinner table and other times when she wants to make a scene. She really responds well to discipline and listens when she knows there are consequences. I have a feeling year 4 for her may be really challenging for me. Man, I hope I can handle it!
Tori is still pretty easy. She wants to go out the door if it's open and throws a fit for what she wants. She's really strong and feisty sometimes and really smiley and cuddly other times. She's is a head turner. Everywhere we go she gets a compliment on her eyes. They really are gorgeous and remind me of my mother's. She is a gorgeous baby. She looks so much like Tommy when he was small.
Bella's hair is the color of honey with blond streaks. It's so funny to see my girls, each with one light feature like my mother. Weird.
I am feeling very adventurous ( which is also weird because I have still have shoulder pain like crazy) and we are going to drive to the beach, just us girls. We will meet Leslie and Ashlyn there and only stay for a couple of days. I pray that it goes the way I hope.
I am also having a small yard sale in the morning in hopes to fund the trip and this is no small feat. I really am not being very organized about it at all. I needed to have done a few more things to prepare! But, I am feeling adventurous so I may as well go with it. This is a great contrast from my "oh, we can't possibly go anywhere today, it's just too much work" mentality.
We mostly stay home or go to the local parks. Sometimes we swim, but that is short-lived with a one-year-old. She still naps in the morning and afternoon. Bella really could have gone to the Summer pre-school program for better entertainment. But, I thought we would have no problem. Goes to show you what I know about that.
Bella will go back to school September 8th. I can't believe it's almost here, I feel like it's still May.
I hope I caught up on some of the key events going on around here.

Lovely Girls

Little girls are beads and bows,
painted toes,
dresses, hearts and hats.
Their soft, sweet skin,
bright, wide grin
loving touch and kiss
make every adorable moment one you're glad you didn't miss.
Heaven knew
the impact you
would make on every one you met.
Now, I can't wait for each new day
to watch you grow into your best yet.

108 days and counting

It's been 108 days since I became a SAHM. In the beginning, I was in disbelief that I was so lucky to be waking up every morning for the sole purpose of caring for our girls. I still marvel at that simple fact. Now, the novelty comes and goes.
After the initial novelty I found my groove in a daily routine. I made sure all went smoothly and everyone was entertained as much as possible. I thought I conquered the job and I was officially a professional mom.
Now, I see a new dawn emerging. There needs to be a balance. I must include myself as a socially functioning 30-year-old in my weekly plan. I have all but cut out my gym visits. I have no "dates" with my husband, however, we try very hard to stay connected and communicate as much as possible. I don't write very often. However, I have been able to start reading more (now that I've figured out the library book layout at the library) which makes me very happy. It's an escape, for sure!!
That's what I need... an escape. I need a ballet class, or a meditation session or something to recharge my proverbial "me" battery.
Today, like many other days this summer, the girls and I went to the pool. We played, I watched the girls try to swim, and it was nice. It was nice because I was out of the house with my girls and we were able to go to a place that I wasn't responsible for cleaning and we could just "be".
But, as I laid awake tonight in my bed, I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to swim. I have been in a pool numerous times and, for some strange reason, I refuse to swim.
I just want to let go and do some laps. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until I forget where I am. I want to pretend I am in my parents above ground pool in the 1990's ducking under the water, eyes open, belly almost touching the bottom.
I want to graze my hand over the dip from the shallow end to the deep end feeling the liner laying over the lumpy earth.
I want to lay on the bottom of that pool and linger, as I did as a teeager and consider almost nothing while doing so.
I need to loosen up.
The girls don't need to know that Mommy needs less responsibility today. They don't deserve the frustrated me that surprises them in my fits of anger over the 7th poop in the tub this month, or the three-peat pattern Bella has adopted when communicating about almost anything. They deserve the best and I feel waaaaay less than perfect lately.
I hope they know I try hard every day to be a little less tense. Some days are better than others though, that's for sure.
Most days may not be filled with magic or mystery but I hope they see that I try to fill them with niceties and love.
Meanwhile, I need to strike a balance. I need to get my shoulders away from my ears and have a drink... without them.
I could try to do some laps and put myself back on the list soon. It will do us all good. I've said it before, I would not trade this time for anything! But, I may want to add a little to it and make it more pleasant for all.

These days we're....

Finding any reason to wear bathing suits, hanging out with family and friends when we can, and trying to keep the little ones busy while in and around the house.
It's been a great summer so far. I am excited for Bella to go back to school for the art and games with friends, but I don't want to wish this incredible time away.

Impact

I am not a fanatic and I don't own his paraphernalia but, I can define some moments of my life with his music. Michael Jackson will be buried today and the world media's eyes are on his memorial. I too am at home watching it with teary eyes.
His existence is unforgettable. I met his music at the early age in dance class during recital rehearsals to perform a 5-year-old version of "Thriller".
What a sight.
Twenty 5-year-olds in old lady dresses (as if we were the walking dead) carrying old lady purses, stomping in time toward the front of the stage during the crescendo. We were definitely not the only crew moved to perform because of the greatest hits by Michael Jackson.
Another memory comes back to me from when I was ten and I borrowed my mother's cassette tape to listen to MJ on my new Walkman. I bopped around and memorized every word to every song (whilst desperately trying to figure out what "Shamon" meant) then my appreciation and love for pop music was born.
In high school "Black or White" came out and the racial barriers were challenged for the youth as they were. Was it necessary to perpetuate the hate when the stars of our generation were mixtures of all races? Certainly not.
The final memory that will always be with me came when I diapered a feisty Bella. The first song I sang to her was the first one that popped into my head when she would cry during diaper changes. "Rockin Robin" was light and entertaining and it was the most youthful tune I could produce as my kid song repertoire was not yet developed. Bella loved it and, frankly, so did I.
I will not miss the controversial Michael Jackson. My life will not be different at all. But, there will never be another MJ. And, I will always appreciate his music and remember his impact on my musical life (as small as it may seem), and the changes he made to the way people should think of one another.

My Dearest Victoria,

On this, you're very first birthday, I feel the need to gush about the purity of our bond, the true love and emotion that I constantly realize when gazing into your grey-blue eyes. But, I regress, and instead, I will gush about the cute stage you've grown into.
The other day you said "Uh, oh!" for the first time, today you climbed down the tiny step from the kitchen into Daddy's office. You still don't say Dada often, but Mama comes out when you're tired, mad, or want to get out of bed.
You and your sister fight (mildly) over toys and attention. Bella still sees you as a pushover and we all know that your spirit is not going to take that very much longer.
You love to cuddle right after a good nap. You hug with your arms down and the side of your head firmly pressed on our shoulders. That is a favorite for us.
Your not-so-sly peek-a-boo is hilarious, your cackle is contagious, and tickling you can turn any frown upside down.
Sometimes, when you and Bella are being quiet in Bella's room, I sneak down the hall to see what's going on, and you are playing harmoniously side by side with no problem. I've seen Bella treat you tenderly and play nicely with you, but this mostly happens when I'm not looking because she's too scared I might think she likes having a sister.
She started being protective with you early on. We all stopped by a baby shower when you were 2 or 3 months old and when were preparing to exit, she told a lady who was holding you that she wanted "her sister back."
Some folks have threatened to keep you, just to tease Bella, and she always yells, "No, that's my Bigtoria. She's my sister, you can't have her." She's been near tears with that one.
I never want to spend a second without you. I don't want all these cute days to end, but they will. Eventually, they will give way to teenage years and we will need a vacation from each other. But, until then, expect your mom to be glued to you and Bella, camera in hand, watching most every move you make.
You only have one first birthday, and I am so thrilled to celebrate yours today.
All my love,
Mommy

From your overly emotional mother

Since Tori's birthday is tomorrow I looked through some pictures to purposely conjure up the emotions from her birth. The emotions, I fear, will come up at every birthday, every event that both the girls take part in, and every milestone they cross. I am sure to be the weeping mother choking back every tear to keep them from constantly saying, "Oh, mom. STOP IT!"
I just can't help but think that my baby won't be a baby much longer. The gummy grins and wobbly legs will be replaced with gaped teeth and dancing feet. This is all very wonderful, but I just can't take it.
I totally wish I could just keep giving birth to them both over and over every year forever because that would be easier that facing the fact that my girls can only be my babies for so long.
It's pathetic to be this way and pathetic to cry over something so sweet and cute as a baby turning one, but no one really knows until they have their own. It kind of catches one by surprise.
I selfishly want them both to stay small and totally dependent on me for, well, longer than a couple of years!
Is that so awful?
My grandmother made me promise that I wouldn't grow up when I was little. I know she's happy that I turned out okay. But sometimed she really just wants to see her little Julie, who stood 4 feet tall and looked at her with glorious, childish wonder and delight.
I knew I was going to grow up. I knew I wanted to have my own children and now that I have them ,I fear I will never be able to let go.
I know they have to grow and I know how lucky we are to have their health and happiness. I simply don't know what shape I would be in right now if their first years had been any less smooth and enchanting.
Tomorrow will be emotional for me, but I like it. I can always use a good cry and if all I have to cry about is my baby turning one day older, then some things are obviously going well.
Happy birthday tomorrow, Tori. I hope to post something better for you tomorrow.

Just pitiful

In a phrase, my blog-keeping has been just pitiful. I need to find the original cord to the camera. You might think I've had plenty of time but it just hasn't been a priority. The posts are much better with pics and the creativity flows more. Tori is about to turn one and I feel lost. I need to cement my feelings on this blog and let them go. I am an emotional wreck when it comes to the way time flies with my children. I try to wollow in the baby times and make quality time often, but there is no stopping the clock. I will be back on here very soon. I need to be. In a sense I am lost without you, blog. I need these moments in print.

blogger's block

I am seriously suffering from a block. I need new energy and motivation to blog again.
Stay tuned.

My President

Footage of him reaching out his slender brown hand to shake those of the ladies seated adjacent to the door surfaces in my memory over, and over again.
He stood at the burger joint for one reason... lunch.
He bought the staff's entire lunch with money of his own that he earns being the leader of the free world. That's some receipt.
He embodies everything I have ever been taught-no one is better than the other, you have to work hard to make a buck, and it is totally possible to make dreams a reality.
The man wants to bring more peace to the world than there was yesterday, he wants to help this struggling nation feel like a part of a whole instead of individuals who have nothing in common.
My generation are a people with memories that consist more of sitcom television plots than real life experience. We have no disillusions that we are a commodity and are being passed around to the highest advertising bidder when a new show our demographic is keen to.
We will buy anything if they put it in the right package.
But, I also believe that we are absolutely up for the task of doing our part. Conservation? Absolutely, we like being "green". It's a color, no it's a verb, we like it!
Peace? Hell yeah.
Can we have special concerts and wear the sign on every piece of clothing imaginable? Sure thing, we'll do that.
Help out in our community? Oky Doky, just tell me a web site to search and I will get right on that for you Mr. President, sir.
I thought that I would lose my umph after the election, but that's not it at all. He is surrounded by an aura of cool and gifted with the language skills to convey what people in this day and time need to hear to move their asses.
Hopefully this isn't totally off the subject, but there was a baby boom in 2007 even larger than the original one.
Pro: our social security will be taken care of.
Con: the time for change in every part of the spectrum is upon us and haters are going to hate themselves when they see the good that hope brings.

i'm stupid

I still haven't found my USB cable to put pics on here and that's just stupid.
I am suffering from TMS again and I haven't gotten out the book that heals me or asked for any help and that's even more stupid.
I'm making extra money on ebay and really have no handle on how to price things or what strategy on what to do next because I'm so fatigued and in pain that I truly don't care.
Stupid.
I lost my credit card because of having a loose grip on the aforementioned.
Eh hem, I call this very stupid. It turns out I canceled it before anything crazy could happen so, I do get back 1 smart point, but there's really little excuse for all this stubborn stupidity.
Ugh!
Now, I have to go because I just remembered my cat is sitting at the vet waiting for me to pick him up.
Probably need to remember that, Genius.

Figuring it out

This blog will have pics one day soon. I have to find the USB cord and get it together, I know! That is my goal for this coming week. I obviously missed color week, but who says I won't make my own color week. If you figure out anything while being a SAHM it is that time is measured differently in the kid-o-sphere and I rarely even know what day it is so there is obviously no rush unless someone's life is in danger.
I've also figured out that Tori is a person. Yes, I knew she was human and had a personality and she likes a routine; but she actually has preferences in what book we should read her at night, what toy we should play with next and so on. She's not the sit-back-and-watch-big-sis-make-the-rules type. She wants us to know she's here and wants her say. Very cute things are coming from Tori lately. She calls just about everything a "buh" and she loves it when Bella runs around or goes too far in the store and I frantically coax her back to me. She tries so hard to say Bella but all that comes out is "ellllelllellla" in a cute, excited, squealy squeak.
She walks so well it makes me giggle. If I was more social I would take her to all my friends and neighbors house and say, watch this! She is short (not for her age) and it's like a baby doll just stands up and stomps around. I love the sound of her bare feet smacking against the hardwoods and watching her from behind as she slowly makes her way down the hall to play in the best room in the house- Bella's room. It's better than almost everything in this world.
Bella is imagination station lately. Today she took a pretend bus ride, spaceship adventure to the moon, laid on her island by the (baby) pool, and hatched out of her dinosaur egg for the the thousandth time.
Since school ended I thought we would have a problem explaining to her why she's not going anymore. She's so well adjusted and easy to reason with that she figured it out on her own and when I told her we would see her friends at the neighborhood pool soon, she was happy. She does get bored with staying at home. She goes down a list of all the people we normally visit to ask if we can go see them. And soon I hope to take her there. Illness has trapped us here lately. Two ear infection and a sinus infection do not make for easy anything.
I am content here for now just enjoying the heat wave and evening thunderstorms. I hope this summer is fun, a bonding experience that I will remeber forever, and that there will be many more just like it.

great

We're all frigging sick again. I cannot wait until we start dipping in chlorine water every day to kill the recurrent colds and viruses. It seriously sucks to be sick at the same time as your children because you yourself need rest to take care of the sickly little ones. I feel like a pile of poop and resent every healthy person today.
Oh yeah, I want to do color week pics so I am really going to figure out how to work Tommy's computer.

Red lights flashing

Outside the neighbors house sits a fire truck and ambulance ready to carry an elderly man to the hospital. I wait and watch the crew enter the house in the same fashion they would enter their own home. They walk not run, and they chat instead of calculate their procedures.
Moments later they exit with the man on the gurney in the exact fashion they entered. He has no wires, he's sitting up and is awake.
I don't know why I had to watch up until the moment they drove away but I did. I usually do. People generally do.
A day will come when I have to worry about ambulances and frantic, hectic moments with a sick parent or possibly another family member. Because of my mom's diagnoses, I am assuming this will happen to and with her, but that's not necessarily destined. I really didn't know who was going to be on that gurney when they came out. It could have been the elderly wife who seems to be in great shape. She picks up the paper every morning. She fiddles around in the yard with her daughter. Her daughter lives there and has since I moved here four years ago.
The daughter is approximately 45. She appears to be a spinster since she has no husband and children that I know of. Anyway, she could have been on the gurney instead of her father. That's why I had to watch.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I often think of my parents along with their health, their past and futures.
They don't know this, but sometimes I write their eulogies in my head. Sometimes it's too hard to even fathom anyone I love dying, so I do it now just so I am not wordless when the day comes. I will admit that I do my mom's more than the others because I assume it's imminent and I wish that weren't true.
My mother and I seem to be striking a balance lately. She sees that I am not an open book and that I don't like to be, and I actually can't be everything to anyone because there are so many people around that I love and want to have a piece of me/my girls.
In times like this, when the drama is low, she's easy to love. She speaks gently with understanding and without judgment or insult. She goes out of her way to lovingly help. For instance, on our anniversary, she babysat at our house and when we came home the house was a bit cleaner than when I left. Bella's laundry was put away and she was generally happy, which is nice to see. She has a touch, both literally and figuratively, that is tender and beautiful. It's the other side.
This side is my favorite mother.
She can only be truly personified with long stories over wine so that is why my thoughts go where they go. I see myself in the car behind the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I imagine what would be going on in the home if it were me or mine. I am not ready and never will be. One might say, "Who is?". I have no idea but I think this way. As dark and pessimistic as that is, it just is and there is no real way around it.
I hope our neighbor is okay and makes it home tomorrow. I know it could have been me there waiting with bated breath for help to arrive and that stirs my emotions. I know how scared they must be knowing that his body is the way it is and it will eventually give out.

To the One I Love

It was warm with wistful breezes the afternoon we decided to say our vows in front of God and our families. The setting- a beautiful cathedral in the oldest neighborhood in Charlotte. The priest- one of the kindest people I could have asked to officiate our wedding. Our loving vision became reality as we set out on a new adventure in life as husband and wife.
The pure and raw love felt between two hearts grew to become the family that we now share. This home exists because we made a plan and that was only the beginning.
We left the church beaming with excitement about what was around the corner.
Our first daughter was born 9 months and 6 days later. As a woman I felt alive and whole. The man I married was truly passionate about our family and able to endure me at my worst. We built a foundation with each other to secure our bond.
We scratched our way through tough times and reveled in the good. We knew that finding someone to successfully live with, and share children with, and work through stress could be difficult; but somehow we knew, long ago, that we have what it takes. When Bella held our proverbial hearts in the palm of her hands we thought we found our calling. God gave us this magical child because we listened to Him and found each other, we worked hard at our relationship and we were granted this gift. So, we asked him for another.
Tori was born 10 months and 11 days ago today.
The light in her eyes can only be appreciated with lingering stares. Wow! This child is ours too? We have now given two people life because we decided 4 years ago today that we were going to happily devote this love and humbly follow the path He put us on and leave our hearts open for the adventure.
This path is beautiful. The views are spectacular and I couldn't ask for better company.
Thanks for the best four years of my life, Babe. I know there will be many, many more.

Libraries, briberies and photo ops

Lately, we've been on the go. Good weather and kid friendly opportunities have been plentiful. I need to learn how to post pics with Tommy's computer. I realize it isn't difficult but I uploaded all my pics, even the recent ones, to my (ex)work computer. Silly. I shouldn't have done that but that computer is so familiar. So, I'm going to have to fill in previous posts with pics when I get back to that computer sometime in the near future.
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I need a lesson on discipline. How does a mother take her children to a library and actually look for books? They are so loud and restless! Plus, I am breaking my back with the baby carrier because the alternative (i.e. stroller or carrying baby) is just as painful most of the time.
And, how does a parent keep from bribing their kids?? I have little or no success with (what I like to call) Super nanny methods.
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I am really loving being with the girls every day. They are so funny and beautiful.

Conversation

Sometimes we speak briefly and only refer to the current happenings because we don't know what else to say. Other times, though, we get into fun conversations about the past that's being buried further into our memory with every passing day. Summers passed is our favorite subject. We can talk about old beach vacations, silly antics even dangerous adventures taken by (what my dad would call) two little dumb girls. Sometimes we talk about the same story over and over just to get every bit of entertainment value out of it possible because it's what we did in our first years of pseudo independence that crack us up more than anything. Some might call them glory days. I call it priceless girl talk with one of my best friends. Thanks for the memories, Leslie.

Goings on

Some noteworthy things are happening around here. Tori took a step and a half last Sunday April, 26th. Tommy saw it, I was busy cleaning. Ugh.
Bella and I were watching a singer performing on Dancing with the Stars Monday night and Bella said she wanted to earring just like him. Wow, I never thought she would want earrings like some guy on TV.
Also, we've been enjoying the weather by walking Bella to and from school as much as possible. She "graduates" from her class May 20th and I know she will miss it as much as I will. It's such a great break from the monotony for us.
Being home is making me a bit of a clean freak. I have Spring cleaning fever and I am scrubbing and organizing so I don't have to look at a mess while I run around at mach speed for the girls.
I've loved being home the past weeks. My Sahm work is never done but there is no deadline and that's the best part.

Fair to say

There are some things that you cannot say to people when you are a parent. You may only expose your deepest feeling to those you trust most and know you the best. The fears, weaknesses and insecurities of parenthood are common but rarely talked about. I would be lying if I said I am not stunned that my day-to-day job is to simply be the best mother I can be. I am apprehensive and the reality has still not yet set in.
In the past week there's been blood, bruises and tears- most of which were mine.
I cried like a baby before my last day of work. They were tears of joy, as well as, tears of sadness that I was leaving the job where I was able to see my parents every day.
Tuesday, Bella bled because of a stupid decision I made to put a paver on her playground.
Yesterday, I fell off a step and bruised my knees while trying to throw the cat out after he clawed at the groceries I brought inside the house.
Tori has eaten everything in sight. She teething so much that she chews on furniture. I've had to fish leaves and paper out of her mouth several times.
So far, I'm not so confident at my new day job. I'm a little... well... sore.
Bella consoled me last week while crying before my last day. She said, "It's going to be okay. They'll miss you too."
Bella was also concerned about me when I hit the floor with both my knees and hurt so bad that I couldn't speak. She said, "I hope you feel better soon, Mommy. I love you."
Precious girls.
I hope I can handle this.

Just call me Sahm

It's my first day on my new job as a stay-at-home mom. It's, quite possibly, the best job I will ever have. We've been playing with play-doh, rolling in the grass, hunting for "calapidders", eating celebratory Dunkin Donuts doughnuts and taking some pictures to commemorate the day. I would post them here but I don't have a ton of time since the girls are waiting on me to go play.
Gotta go.

mommy mania

My mind is racing with thoughts of how I will begin my journey as a stay-at-home mom. My brain tells me that it will be the same as Saturdays and Sundays, just extended. But my heart says I should come up with something better than that or these kids will think I am the worst mom ever.
Tonight, I did the usual. Feed the girls and the cats. Wash the girls, the cats, the dishes, the floors, the bathrooms....
It's crazy how much work I squeeze into one evening. That has to bore my kids to death.
I need an how-to book.
My journey as a stay-at-home mom must start with research. Amazon, here I come.
BTW, two days to go.

Smile

Car seats and bathtubs are excellent for holding the tiny beauties when you want to take their picture. However, the car seat pictures rarely turn out cute for us. Oh well, here are some cute bath pics including 2 golden oldies. :)

life change commentary

Commentary: Don't confuse money with happiness
By Peter Bregman
(an excerpt)

"And when we wake up in the morning we are left with the question, "Now what?"

It's actually a great question, because in a situation in which we've lost control, it gives us a little back. "Now what?" means we have a choice, in this moment, to do something. What's it going to be?

I think it's a mistake to try to rebuild what we've lost. We have less now and I think we can do better with less. Having less forces choices. And consciously making those choices can bring us closer to the things we care about. Which can make a poorer life richer than a rich one."

cnn.com

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My life is about to change. Tommy's job is giving me the opportunity to stay home with the girls in just ten days. We will cut back on things to make it work. I would never call us poor, I just appreciate this writer and his article on cnn.com about a subject that many people are learning.
Does our money define us, and how much does it really give us?
I am more than happy to find a way to cut corners to be with my girls. Happy day!

Hilarious Bella comment

Bella: Mommy!!...a biiiiig bunny is going to come to our house to drop off some candy!!
Mommy: I know it. Isn't that somethin'?

Happy-Go-Yucky

Swollen eyes and runny noses are back. We literally had a 3 day break from sickness before it returned for (hopefully) one last hurrah before the warm weather(hopefully) relieves us of cold season.
We are all trying to be perky and fun. I try to keep the girls occupied with creative games and good moods, but this is a true challenge when we are constantly battling aches and colds. I would blame the pre-school for every single illness that has ravaged us this winter, but I can't. I actually contracted strep throat while no one else in my family had it or caught it from me. Weird.
I do remember being sick a lot last winter when Bella wasn't in school so there is something else at work here. I must sanitize EVERYTHING!

These days many Americans are trying to enjoy themselves without spending money and without plopping in front of the TV 24/7, and we are no different. It's not an easy time for anyone as 1 out of 10 people in NC are out of work. In a way I am thankful for this hard time. I believe hard times create character, promote family bonding, and ignite my creativity.

Catching up

These past few weeks I have let my blog down. My energy was needed elswhere but I thought of blogging very often. As usual I would come up with great ideas and fantastic words to describe what's going on with me and now I am blogging at work rushed and wordless.
We have been busy at home. We've all been sick and getting cabin fever from the cold weather keeping us inside.
It was wonderful to finally get out in warmer weather to let the sun warm our skin and think about something other than fighting illness or doing chores.
The girls are blossoming more every day and I am getting better at being a mommy of two. This is good news since I will be a stay-at-home mom soon. Tommy's job is going to require more flexibility than ever before and I will be a professional mom. I can't wait.
These pictures show what we've been up to and what's kept us sane through the past weeks and it shows that the lovely girls are growing like weeds.
We bathe to soothe our sickness and achy bodies, we've been coaxing Tori to crawl, we've enjoyed a late winter snow and an early spring heat wave.
It's been interesting to say the least.

Positive or bust

I am going crazy over some infuriating issues with my mother. But, for once, I want to take the high road and let her work it out on her own and she can reap whatever repercussions incur.
I am just going to keep my head up, my mind open and think about the great things in my life.
And,OH YEAH, Tori's eight months old today!!

Heavy

I'm feeling the weight of the world on me today. I don't have a clue when it will pass, but I am praying for sooner than later. I am not made of stone.
People end up with serious problems when thay have to deal with some of the shit I have to deal with.
I am actually really lucky and I am trying to concentrate on that feeling today.
Lucky, lucky, lucky...
I'll keep trying.

Another year, gone

There's a commercial where a little girl walks into the family room and asks her dad if she can borrow the car. He's bewildered and says, "Why?" as if there is a good reason for a 5-year-old to drive. But then he looks at her again and she's 16. This is really going to happen to me. I still look at her and see the baby I had on 2-20-06.
My father often says he can see traits in my mannerisms and body language that I've had since I was an infant. He can go right back in time and remember me that small as if it was literally last year.
My girl Bella, my pride and joy, will be 3 tomorrow.
She has grown so unbelievably beautiful and smart doesn't even begin to describe her. She's exceptional.
Lately, Bella has her issues. She gets stressed out when we are. She understands most everything we talk about and asks WHY? all the time. It's an insatiable curiosity to find out how this big world works.
She was our world until Tori was born. Now everything revolves around them both. The adjustments have been smooth and any bumps in the road with the transition were expected. We have great literature about raising children and parents to help us unlock the communication challenges and that is a blessing.
She will know how much we love her no matter how many kids we have and that is our most important goal.
Her sense of humor is developing and it fascinates us to see what makes her laugh.
She is so perceptive. She can reason and make up games. She's obsessed with umbrellas, dance costumes and princess dresses. She loves glittery crowns and acting like a lady(...sometimes). She thinks that her My Little Pony's shoes are gold, and Barbie shoes too for that matter.
She wants to be good and have us praise her. She even praises her stuffed animals, her dolls and her little sister.
She is the apple of Tori's eye. There is no better entertainment.
All-in-all, we won the lottery 3 years ago on having a great first daughter. We knew immediately that she was special.
I only hope that we can nurture her talents, give her the confidence to be herself and be proud of it.
Happy Birthday my sweet angel. You are a gem and a joy.
Note Bella's nicknames:
Bunnygoose
Angelface
Sweet pickles
Peanut
Nocko Nocko head
Stinker Naninker
I love you (yes, as a nickname)
Rooter Tooter
Swilly
Princess

Tommy "wrote" a song for her that we sing to her 3 times every night...
Goodnight sweet Bella, my princess, my angel
Goodnight sweet Bella, goodnight.
I hope that you dream of butterflies and rainbows
Goodnight sweet Bella, goodnight.
And when you wake up in the morning I will be right here
I hope to see you smiling from ear to ear.
Goodnight sweet Bella, my princess, my angel
Goodnight sweet Bella, goodnight

It's very sweet to hear Bella sing this song simply called "Bella's song"

too much

Lately, I don't feel like anything is blog-worthy. I can't seem to get certain things out of my head while trying to deal with all the day-to-day responsibilities. That is all I can muster up energy for.
I feel trampled on and spent.
My one wish for my children is that they prosper and that I never effect them the way I am effected by my mother.

My heart is broken.

Happy Valentine's Day Eve

These are the people I love the most and I am so glad that I will be able to spend time with them tomorrow. Now, I could use a night out with just my husband and I could enjoy some flowers or a few minutes to myself to go and do something for myself, but since Valentine's Day is on a Saturday, I'm just happy that we will be together.
Tommy is out of town today and will return tomorrow evening and that's a great gift. His wrestling season pretty much ends tomorrow and that too is a gift to my family and sanity.
He starts a new job that he has great potential to move up quickly and be successful and that's a gift.
I also have to say that every day people reach out to try and help me. They listen to me grip about constant pain and headaches and they try to help me with that. That is love and I hope they all know I see it and appreciate the gift.
I love you all, my girls, my husband and my family.

Color!

I love color, I just refuse to wear it. I don't intend to look like I just walked out of a black and white TV show, but a lot of the time I do.
Just to brighten up my day and my blog, I am posting some cheerful, colorful pics.

Twisted

I don't ever like to unload on my blog and I hate when I feel negative much less sound or come off negative socially. But there is a big reason for it today.
The relationship with my mother is exhausting. I am all she has, she says. I am the main character in her drama. This is very different from any relationship that myself, or anyone I know, has ever dealt with.
I am not equipped to be this daughter. The daughter that catches her mother when she falls, is belittled by her when she's frustrated with me, becomes irate at the insults toward me, and NEVER meets her standards.
I've stopped trying.
There is no cure for the illnesses that torture my mother. Her brain plays tricks on her and the outside world is not real, it's what her brain tells her it is.
I'm at the end with this. I am calling in new forces just for me. I am not going to let this seep into my other relationships anymore.
I'm going to employ new people or agencies, if need be, to help me.
All the others left her. I am the only one around and one cannot throw away their family.

5 things, well 10 actually

5 good things about today:

The sun is out for the first time in a while! It will look and feel like spring today.

I am going to make myself go to the gym today instead of sitting and chowing for an hour. I will chow just less.

I am free of sickness and that feels wonderful.

Tommy will be home from work tonight...I think.

We are going to the circus this weekend. I loved it last year and can't wait to go again.


5 things you don't know about me:

I hate american cheese.

I would love to learn to cook healthy delicious dinners that don't always consist of chicken.

I can't type at all but I love to write. This may be why I have carpel tunnel.

If I had all day to myself I would probably just read blogs.

I miss being pregnant. (Wow, I never thought I'd say that.)

Picture Post

Cuties doing what cuties do.