Twisted

I don't ever like to unload on my blog and I hate when I feel negative much less sound or come off negative socially. But there is a big reason for it today.
The relationship with my mother is exhausting. I am all she has, she says. I am the main character in her drama. This is very different from any relationship that myself, or anyone I know, has ever dealt with.
I am not equipped to be this daughter. The daughter that catches her mother when she falls, is belittled by her when she's frustrated with me, becomes irate at the insults toward me, and NEVER meets her standards.
I've stopped trying.
There is no cure for the illnesses that torture my mother. Her brain plays tricks on her and the outside world is not real, it's what her brain tells her it is.
I'm at the end with this. I am calling in new forces just for me. I am not going to let this seep into my other relationships anymore.
I'm going to employ new people or agencies, if need be, to help me.
All the others left her. I am the only one around and one cannot throw away their family.

5 things, well 10 actually

5 good things about today:

The sun is out for the first time in a while! It will look and feel like spring today.

I am going to make myself go to the gym today instead of sitting and chowing for an hour. I will chow just less.

I am free of sickness and that feels wonderful.

Tommy will be home from work tonight...I think.

We are going to the circus this weekend. I loved it last year and can't wait to go again.


5 things you don't know about me:

I hate american cheese.

I would love to learn to cook healthy delicious dinners that don't always consist of chicken.

I can't type at all but I love to write. This may be why I have carpel tunnel.

If I had all day to myself I would probably just read blogs.

I miss being pregnant. (Wow, I never thought I'd say that.)

Picture Post

Cuties doing what cuties do.

the "f" word

I am back and hoping to be inspired to write more often. I blog in my head about this and that and rarely make it to the computer or even a notebook in time to purge the thoughts.
I did, however, leave myself a voice message about this post.
Ferberizing.
It's one of the parts of having a baby that will make or break you.
To ferberize you must have a sanctuary for yourself so when the screaming turns you inside out you don't lose your shit on anyone.
Ferberizing is getting a baby to learn to soothe itself to sleep without excessive rocking, snuggling or feeding.
It's loud.
Tori is almost 7 months old and she s getting pretty clingy. I love this most of the time but I have only 2 arms and it's time to get started the Dr. Ferber way.
I am all talk though. I pick her up and carry her around and only let her get to the grumbling stages of crying, but at night, she drives me nuts and with that cute little laugh and smile. When I finally get up to remedy the situation she gets whatever she wants.
It's tough love that she needs and I need to be tougher.

Crap. Another weekend.

This week was one for the books.
I am suffering from some horrendous cold and sinus problems. Every minute there is a new headache or coughing stint that knocks me off track and makes me miserable. I am not enjoying anything. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I've worked and tried to keep up with normal duties but I'm spent.
At home I get worn down even more.
Bella is a Chatty-Cathy. She can't talk enough or play enough or have enough friggin' juice. She stays hopped up on white grape juice mostly just to keep the peace. If she doesn't get her way the entire house jiggles from the noise.
Tori is finding her voice too, and she demands our attention to tell us if her wants and needs aren't being met.
What do you do with 2 little kids in the middle of winter when you're sick and your husband and friends work at night?
Stay home.
To me staying home is sometimes a little like torture. It's home and all the convenieneces are there but since I am alone there is no real convenience at all. It's all on me.
The entertaining, cooking, decision making, and discipline are all on my shoulders.
Great.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE my girls, I just feel a little trapped this winter.
If I didn't get sick every other weekend I may not be in this crappy mood right now. I seriously think Bella brings home all these colds from Pre-School and they are driving me crazy and I can't take it much longer.
Bring on Spring!

You could flourish, I know it's in your power
If only you had better taste in that which you devour
Tomorrow is another day that doesn't have to be the same
Watch the sun set on a time when you were not as tame
Underneath every tree is a vast root display
Rotten some are, but on top will never lay

Destiny

Lord knows I tried to stop it, but some events just prove we are not in charge.
My trip to Kinston was swift and safe, my trip from Kinston didn't go as well. I wrote about my car being checked to make sure it was good for a long trip. It wasn't. It had to stay at the doctor so I took tommy's car which is newer and seemingly less risky to drive the distance. I packed it with everything but the kitchen sink, picked up my mother and began our journey.

On the way home I needed coffee. I pulled into a Target to hit up the Starbucks and got right back on the road. Some road. I thought it was the one we drove in on. Not so. It led straight to the Air Force Base in Goldsboro.
The MP officer helped me navigate back to a highway, also not the highway I came in on, and get back on track. I am usually not bad with direction or navigation. This was an exception.
I hopped on I-40 around sunset and started moving toward I-85 with home in my daydreams when all of a sudden DLOP! DLOP! DLOP! DLOP! DLOP! We got a flat tire!

My insides said AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
My outsides started to stiffen with fear.
I pulled over to the wrong side of the road and was promptly instructed to move to the right by my unusually cool mother.
We called the highway patrol and AAA.
The highway patrolman CHANGED MY TIRE!
AAA didn't show up.
Wow. What a helper.
We stayed overnight in Cary and had all the tires changed since the spare was a donut tire.
The flat tire had a puncture wound. It could not have been avoided. It would have happened to my car if I have driven it.
It was an adventure, to say the least.
I wonder what He was keeping me from.
Hmmm.

Unlikely retreat

I am blogging in a place where I would have never imagined. A car mechanic's waiting room. I am writing from the AAA Automark where I am currently having my car serviced.
I can't believe it.
I know I don't get out much and I know there are places where you can bring your own computer and use WiFi and all that, but I am pleasantly surprised. I knew when I came here to wait for the mechanics to look over the Jeep to make sure all is well for my trip tomorrow that I might enjoy some kind of peace. But the kind I imagined was simply sitting in a chair, free from my children, listening to phones ring and beep, television watching on a TV with one fuzzy channel, and possibly people watching. That's what waiting for my car used to entail, before Tommy that is.
But here, you can watch television while drinking your hot tea or coffee or chilled water. (I chose tea. It is after noon after all.) There are multiple flavors of creamers for coffee so I seriously considered it.
If I wish I can even hitch a ride with their DRIVER who will take me to a nearby location to help with my errands or to simply occupy my time and he will wait for me to shop or I can call him to come and fetch me at my leisure.
Unreal.
I am not a fan of errands in my own car much less with a stranger so I passed on that option.
I can watch television on a very clear television which happens to be on the channel I would be watching this time of day, I like the ABC soaps minus General Hospital. I can't buy into it, it's over the top even for me.
The chairs are as I would have imagined. There are no la-z-boys around here, that might promote napping and they probably frown upon that. There was a woman already watching TV so I kept walking in search of an antisocial activity such as this. Writing to myself on my blog that probably nobody reads is just fine and dandy by me.
It is an unlikely place to find rest or tranquility. But I can do that here if I try and if I am not irritated in the least.
The real reason why all this works for me today is that Tori is teething so my night was rough and my headache is screaming. But being here in my nook calms me and gives me reason to think without having to be truly sensible and I don't need to listen intently or direct anything for the time being.
I need that.