Ho, Ho, Hack

'Tis the season for the common cold and I am getting mine for Christmas. After two days of "resting" and 2 nights coughing, I have lost a bit of my Christmas spirit. I keep thinking that Christmas is far away and then I wake up and it's Christmas Eve Eve. You see, I am a fan of the anticipation of it all. Christmas Eve Eve and Christmas Eve are the best part of the season. I should be gitty with excitement, making cookies, singing songs. But today and tomorrow I will only be able to croak Santa Claus is coming to town and Jingle Bells for Bella and Tori and hopefully I won't scar their memories of Christmas for life. Bella is such a spit-fire and so gleeful about the season and I want to be that with her, but I'm not. Instead I have body aches, headaches, sore throat and a hacking cough. I only pray that the rest of the family doesn't get this nastiness again. Yes, I said again. I am sure I got it from them and as I am learning we just keep passing the crap around.
Bah!
I need some eggnog and gingerbread cookies to kick me out of this funk!!

Merry Christmas

The stars are stacked...

Ellen Whitehurst is a Feng Shui advisor who has a spot on a popular morning radio show I listen to. She always gives interesting advise that includes astrology info plus Feng Shui methods of maximizing one's Shui.
I'm a Virgo.
Not only do I expect everything to go smoothly but if it doesn't I will fixate on it until the original problem can never occur again...most of the time. I'm on the cusp.
Anyway, I like Ellen Whitehurst because I think there is functionality to her advise. I even bought her book Make this your lucky day.
Here is the link for the advise for Virgos this month:
http://www.ellen-whitehurst.com/b2/blog2.php/Virgo/
It's incredibly specific.
The negative day so far was right on, but the advice is nearly impossible to follow.
"Try all best to remain calm cool and collected...especially when you feel like your back is against the wall and every button you have has been repeatedly pushed."
The reason why one should act this way in these trying times and always really comes later in the astrological reading she describes the month end will be so positive that that choirs of angels will be jealous of the beautiful music your life is making.
How could this be?
Aren't I supposed to fight when my back is up against the wall or do I just take my lickings from the universe?

The Nutcracking Christmas

This Christmas is going to be interesting to say the least. We are in a position we've never been in before. We're really taking a beating, it's going to be a real nutcracker.
Tommy is very educated, I also have a college degree. Yet the floor may be falling out from under us as every day passes. We've never been afraid of work, Tommy's been working since he can remember, but now since the economy has gone to pot, the penny pinchery begins.
Before this year you would have called us frugal at times. We shy away from extravagance for sensible reasons, we just don't take many chances. This year though, nobody can.
I seem to have a string of bad luck that follows me around. I'm not sure why.
I bought an SUV the day after hurricane Katrina. $$$
The business Tommy and his family began flipped a house and put it on the market the week of the financial crash, it's still for sale.$$$
Our checkbook hemorrhages the season we enroll Bella in a tuition paid preschool, which she loves.$$
We have a baby and the price of formula is RIDICULOUS.$
Tommy had a small car accident.$$
I am on a "whenever you can" work schedule because of Tommy's commitments and my mother goes back and forth with illness.$$
And the biggest one of all, Christmas is coming.$$$$

That last one is a stretch since the bills are still due during Christmas, I should change it to $$. Either way, it's a lot, it's stressful and I've said this before, I'm no rock.
I just can't seem to find my Christmas spirit. I can't even get motivated to get rid of my pumpkins.

And she's off

Tori can do a lot more these days. She eats from a spoon, sleeps all night and I think she's even teething.
Bella's being such a great sister lately. She loves to involve Tori in her games and Tori enjoys it so much that she looks past some of the toy whippings from Bella.
I'm learning how sisters "love" one another.

I just want to scream

I need a break.
Not a weekend, because honestly there is no end to my week, it's just time working somewhere else.
I need to breathe and relax and let go. I need time for myself, time to relieve the tension built up around and inside of me. I need time to let my kids miss me and let me miss them. The more time I spend doing things that rack my nerves, the more sensitive and irritable I become.
I become whiny, light headed, air headed and ticked off. I lose myself.
When the fun is drained from the everyday tasks the child in me comes out with a vengeance. It desires attention and love and coddling.
Even though we grow up we are still the child that our parents raised. That child just gains more experience and communication skills but sometimes the child forgets all those skills and screams out in anger and frustration. The child in me is out today and she is not very friendly.
GRRRRR!

How do I spell silly? BELLA

What does a backpack, a Cinderella dress, a wooden spoon, a spatula, a plastic carrot, a baby doll and a ribbon all have in common? They are all things that Bella insisted take a nap with her today. She wore the Cinderella dress accented with tiger slippers. The use for the backpack was unclear, but the ribbon wraps around the baby doll so Bella can dangle her from her crib and pretend that she if fishing. She rarely takes a nap for me anymore so I don't dispute the toys in bed. She plays nicely for a couple of hours and sometimes she falls asleep after playing. The fight to keep the toys out of the bed, I'm afraid, would be so disruptive so I accept it and put her in her tiny bed with 8 other objects.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm getting in the holiday spirit early this year. I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday because there is no big excuse to spends tons of money. It's more relaxing too. However, this year Bella will really enjoy Christmas and Santa and the gifts. She didn't sit on Santa's lap last year because we chose to have a family photo made instead. So this year we'll see if she flips out or not. She'll love the parades on TV and the tree more than ever. I also relish in the fact that now we have two and they have so many Christmas Eve's to stay up together and giggle from the giddiness that Christmas Eve brings. I always wanted that for myself and to watch them and see it through a child's eyes again brings back the magic.

Down comes the rain

The news yesterday left me weepy and spent. I cried to get out the emotion of, not only the prognosis, but the pent up frustration that I have with her. Those cries are few and far between but necessary and relieving. Today, I can talk at length about it and even write a little about it. I can't reveal all for privacy purposes but I just need to write something.
The news first came when I was 16. It was around Christmas.
That Christmas she spent in the hospital, too sick for her home. I didn't stay long and I didn't dwell for I knew she would bounce back. The dwelling came out slowly over the years to come of watching her yo-yo lifestyle bounce her around. She never once admitted defeat or wrong. She just fought harder.
The fight in her is fading. The biology of it all will defeat her. She is human. Today she will have a normal day and we won't know about tomorrow until it comes. I will console her as best I can and let Him handle it for us.
My faith is strong, unlike when I was 16. I believe that He is there for us. He will be there until end.

You can take the girl out of the country...

I was moved to tears multiple times last night while watching the Country Music Awards. Trace Adtkins sang this song:


She was staring out the window of their SUV
Complaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

And I lost it.
There are so many country songs that I love and now I have a new one.

Today, some news came. News I knew I wold hear and I knew I would never be prepared for. But all I can think of is how I already miss this.

Reflecting

The top pic is Bella and the bottom is Tori, notice her blue-ish eyes. I didn't think that was possible.
The girls look similar but less now than ever.
Having a baby is like having an angel around all the time.
So sweet.

No focus

I've been trying to blog for days now but every thought goes just as quickly as it comes. I even tried to post Halloween pics last Friday, a week late mind you, when an anomaly occurred. Even if I explained it it would baffle you, it was essentially a computer error.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bella was Minnie Mouse and Tori was asleep in the stroller for Halloween. We went trick-or-treating in our neighborhood and found out that we had to walk quite a distance just to hit up a few houses for candy for our two-year-old, which I really don't even want her to eat. It was very fun and worth it for the memory and the exercise.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I miss reading and the time to myself so, at the library last week I borrowed The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. What an awesome story, I truly loved listening to it and I will definitely be borrowing more audio books in the future. I am not a romantic but that story warmed my heart and I can't wait to get lost in another book soon.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My big girl, Bella, is testing me more lately. She gets so jealous when we hold Tori. She will refuse to speak to us and she whines and pitches more fits than ever. I look at old pictures and remember her as a one-year-old and think about how perfect she was. She NEVER acted out when she was the only child. She was sweet and loving and now she is changing and I could just mourn the loss of her babyhood. I will never forget how my first child and I bonded and how sweet and affectionate she used to be. I hope that comes back and SOON.
Sigh.
I love her so much.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tori is testing us too. She wakes every morning at 4:30. She depends on us to replace the paci or feed her, even though she's not that hungry.
She has learned that if she cries Mommy or Daddy will come. It's taking its toll on me and I am realizing that we need to get tough and fast. Tough I am not. I will have to pretend.

The holidays are creeping up and more milestones are on their way. My grandmother used to ask me to stop growing up. I promised her I wouldn't get "big." I find myself asking that of my girls. I just want to freeze time some days and just live the same day over and over.

Election Day has arrived...

Now Elizabeth Hasselbeck will finally SHUT UP.
GOBAMA!
GOBAMA!
GOBAMA!
I feel so good about my decision.

The baby and the big girl

Tori is 4 moths old.
I can't believe this time last year I was headed for nausea and growing pains. I had to wait out the months, weeks, days, and finally the hours to meet the beauty who now holds my heart in the palm of her slobbery little hand.
She makes me beam with pride.
I could post a daily bulletin about how she's changing and making us watch her so closely and admire every last second of her baby-hood. It's a gift, a treasure and I will never get over how fast it goes by.
Today I got out the high chair. She will start eating rice cereal today. I am taken back to Bella's first cereal bites and those faces she made we caught on camera. She was so small. But, now that Tori is 4 months, she seems HUGE and advanced and different. Because Bella was my first, I didn't know she was getting so big, I had no frame of reference.
These days Bella is an animal. The type of animal that you need strategy and training to handle. The strategy must first be coy and attention to her must never cease or there could be blood. She's very attune to the weaknesses in us. She plays us like a fiddle and she's not above pitting one of us against the other. She has us breaking out the parenting books and having strategy meetings behind her back. The trouble is she's always going to be our first child and the "guinea pig" of our rearing education. She sometimes presents challenges and embarrassing moments proving that we need to keep up with the task at hand called parenting with love.
I love this job of the matriarch and the nurturer. I have moments of tears and despair. But, I love the fact that I am needed and no matter what EVER happens I love my girls!

My breast friend

My load is about 15 pounds lighter today. I am drying up my milk and don't need to carry the chunky breast pump around anymore. I nursed Bella for 2 months and Tori for nearly 4 months and I am very satisfied with that. If I stayed home I may have made it even longer because it saves money and can be very convenient at times.
I am making the decision selfishly for me. The hormones are killing me, I'm not losing enough weight and when I drink milk or caffeine the baby has a reaction. She sleeps so well at night that my milk was drying up from not pumping, work can be crazy and not conducive to pump breaks plus my neck is all kinds of messed up from the nursing and pumping position that the pain is constant. I will miss the closeness and bonding it brings, but I know there are more ways to bond with my gorgeous baby. I hope she knows how much I enjoyed our time and loved every minute of it once the initial shock and pain subsided. My tiny nursing baby will always exist in my memories.

You have to see this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o&NR=1

Picture-rific

I swear this was not staged or posed. Bella gave Tori the monkey to cheer her up, all I did was get her to smile.
She's standing on her toy box giving her first speech to an audience of one... me.
I thought this sculpture needed something.
The smell of the leaves was so good she had to get closer.
Little girl cuteness + mountain fun = very good stuff.

We've been Bushed

I hope I never have to hear Pres. Bush speak EVER again.
He ticks me off and he feels NO effects of this sh*tty predicament Americans are in.
Bite me Bush!

Bogged

The baby isn't sleeping well at night so I am on autopilot. The cold that the girls have has lasted a month! It causes a spiratic barking cough and the congestion wakes them up at night. They have both seen a doctor and there is nothing anyone can do for them. It sucks.

Work it Mamis

After a great workout at the gym last night (Peak's "Funky Fit" class) I am feeling pretty sore. That class is by far the best I have ever taken in terms of fun fitness. I sweat, the time flies and I always want more. The instructors are wonderful and motivating and they sweat more than anyone else trying to make the class as fun as possible. It's great.
When the instructor kept yelling, "Work it Mamis," I thought it quite fitting. I need to be there so badly, but I looked around and realized I was one of the smallest people there and no one would ever guess that I have a 3-month-old at home. Nevertheless, I am a "Mami" (Spanish for Mommy) and I was in great company with the others.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We are potty training at our house and it's not going so smooth. I am very confused about how to excite Bella enough to do it all the time. She cries sometimes and wants to wear her diaper because she has accidents.
Help!

Goodbye wonderful Summer.

Summer in the rear view.

The Chill

The chill is setting in and Fall is inevitable. As much as I hate to see Summer end, a lot of great memories come rushing back when I feel and smell that Autumn air. I am taken back to the week we were engaged at the Isle of Palms, SC, it was very romantic and special. Then the beach trip last year where we bathed under the warm sun, but swimming was not possible because of the chill. Also, we shared our last vacation as a family of three there.

The memory of high school football games hits me, even though I rarely participated in any functions at school, it was a great memory of getting out in the evening, smelling the fresh cut grass from the field and listening to Mr. Brady giving the play-by-play.

There are more memories than I can account here but they are all good and make me feel warm inside even though the chill is coming fast and strong.

I love Fall even though I rarely say that out loud. It is a great buffer for the frigid cold that I dread.

This weekend we will have our last Summer hurrah in our backyard with family and friends and that makes me sad, but I will probably bank it in the file of great memories that rush back when Fall arrives.

It's the first Fall for Tori and the first for me as a mother of two.

Now that's a great memory.

Outrageous birthday wishes

These are some of the very practical things I would never ask for my birthday, but I could really use:

A tune up for my car
Decor for our new bedroom and bathroom
Maid service
A closet organizer
Shopping with a stylist
Lottery tickets
A tropic vacation for all four of us
A project finisher
A gardner

All this would give me more time with my family, eliminate some of my angst about not getting around to things and possibly make me rich.
Ridiculous it is but I bet a lot of people secretly wish for these too.

Out with the new and in with the old.

I've never been a huge fan of change. I think that comes from all the changes that went on during my childhood. I really like sameness only sprinkled with excitement. So, last week when I went and got my hair drastically cut I thought I might freak out, but I didn't. I actually feel like myself again. I used to have really cute, young girl hair and then I grew it out after Bella was born. I was putting it up ALL the time and that got old.
I'm turning 30 on Sunday. This strikes me as a change and that pushes me to want to make sure all stays the same. Yes, we have a new baby but we've had a new baby before so it's still kinda the same old deal. I used to work out and fit into cute clothes. Well, by golly, I will do that again. Basically, I want to push myself back a few years just to feel comfortable about turning another year older.
This very confusing post does have meaning. I want my old life back.
The past couple of months have been selfless, hard work. I want myself back. I want to be pleased with me on a day-to-day basis.
I used to set goals and achieve them and last week I set another goal.
I'm writing again somewhere other than here. I am writing a magazine article. I don't know what magazine or when, but I hope sometime soon it can be published.
I contacted my former Journalism teacher and she's on board to help.
I am so excited I could just giggle.
And, that makes for a happy 30th birthday week!

What's new:

Bella has a secret. She doesn't know that it's a secret and she doesn't really mean for it to be a secret, but she won't tell us what is going on in school.
Her teacher is busy when we pick up and drop off, making sure the right kids go to the right parents and all. The teacher said that Bella was laughing with another kid the first day and today she came home with a friendship bracelet from Cecil. She has her own life there and she won't tell us very much about it.

In other news, we all have colds. Bella's had it the longest and I think she on the down hill from here. Now I have it and I want so badly to just sleep it off. It's the traditional head cold. My head feels like it weighs a million pounds and will explode with mucus any minute.
Poor little Tori even has the swollen eyes, cough and congestion. It's pitiful to see a sick baby, even if it is only a cold.

In over my head

TGIF!
It's my last day of my first week back at work. I am going into the weekend EXCITED to sit in my pj's nursing the baby and cleaning my house.
I long for the simplicity.

Picture the future

This is Bella's first day at preschool. I can see the future.

First day back

Wake up early, nurse the baby, throw on clothes and tie my hair in a knot because it's off to work I go. I am officially back at it. Change is the only thing constant around here lately. As soon as I get used to one schedule it up and changes. My job is not glamorous but it's has its rewards. I get to be with adults, keep my brain connections on their toes and worry about stuff other than how much dust my house collected today. It's freeing having a job, driving alone and eating a lunch sitting down. I've been trying to get my body ready for it's job too. Since I have a tendency to be a stress ball, I went ahead and started lifting weights to get my muscles back in shape so my neck and back don't kill me. The baby weight is starting to melt away too and that makes me feel very good. So good, I'm looking forward to getting back in my old clothes and possibly looking forward to shopping again.
But now it's time to plan for Bella's first day of school tomorrow. I'm getting her book bag ready tonight. It doesn't have books but they do require the kids to bring a bag full of stuff for emergencies and lunch. Her classroom is so cute and the teacher seemed really good at her job. I am excited for Bella. She is ready. She loves learning and I am no teacher, though I have thought about becoming one for a while now. We do so much with her but she is too smart for us to be the only people forming her knowledge. Oh, my little baby is growing up TOO FAST!!!
We are so lucky.
Tori couldn't be a better baby so far. She sleeps great at night with occasional wakings. She falls asleep easily and hasn't cried for more than 10 minutes ever. She too is getting huge and studies us, her hands and her surroundings drinking in every experience with beautiful curiosity. Whew. My cup runneth over... again.
Here's to the upcoming fall and and my new schedule with my TWO kids. It still sounds strange to me, but wonderful.

The Picture

Snap. There it is stored on a camera not even downloaded yet and I can see myself, as a fifty year old lady, looking at it in a scrapbook reminiscing.
August 26, 2008 the day Ashley holds her second son. My childhood friend and confidant has another child not two months after I had Tori. Her first child is only 6 months younger than Bella. These kids will know each other very well and play for years to come.
To me, Ashley is the friend who never betrayed me or my trust. The girl I fought over boys with and shared the most embarrassing moments with. The girl that grew into a woman with me and knows me so well because she was there when I was learning who I was. These are our good ole days. The weddings are over, the pregnancies successful and, now, the children are born. Those childhood dreams are now life and they come with deep responsibility and we are not afraid because we have each other. This provides me with great comfort. I now have company in the land of those with two small children. I have someone to understand my frets before I even utter them.
Joshua Wayne is beautiful and healthy. He stands as the last child that any of my friends may ever have. Some friends are struggling with their husbands or reproductive luck and that picture may be the end of an era. The pregnant era. One that will be missed for all it's events both bad and good. The phenomena of not remembering the bad happens with that as well as childbirth. These thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I am afraid that we are changed. Changed by our kids. We no longer live for us. They are the world and we get up in the morning for them. We work until our fingers bleed for them and we will not have ourselves back for the next 18 years. Though tears fall, they fall on a smile and with great pride.
We did this.
And, girlfriend, we did it well.
Congratulations to Ashley and Artie. Enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

Today

Today I actually have some time to myself and all I can do is think of things I need to do for other people. I just want to take a nap and blog. When I don't have time to think I come up with great ideas for posts and write them in my head. They are whitty and interesting and when I sit down to the computer I feel guilty for thinking too long before typing. No, I can't remember the post ideas from yesterday or even earlier this morning. So here are some random things roaming through my head today.
Men should have to pump breast milk from their breasts too.
Little babies are so beautiful that there can never be enough pictures taken of them.
Do other mothers start speaking gibberish instead of actual words because too much is going through their mind?
Well, you get the idea.

short and sweet

My girls are growing like weeds. Bella starts school (pre-preschool) on the 2nd. I am going back to work around the same time.
Things are getting a little easier and that feels good.

Shhhh!

I hate to write this because I don't want to jinx myself but the baby is sleeping 5 hours at a time at night and sometimes through the night. Yay! It's pretty cool except some of my milk is drying up because I cannot force myself out of bed to pump for fear I will wake her plus it's too tempting to stay in bed.
She is getting so big and more beautiful every day. It really is amazing to experience having a baby. The pregnancy and delivery and now the home time is just sweet and has been pretty perfect, there have been only minor happenings to complain about.
I do plan on returning to work. I don't have a date in my mind but I know it will be soon and the time will fly no matter how long I'm allowed to stay home with the little darlings. I just wish that I could have more time every day. More for myself, more for Bella, less for the breast pump and more to fit work in there too. I hate thinking of only seeing them a couple hours a day every day again. It was hard letting Bella go when I went back to work after her birth. It was extremely emotional. Now that there are two to think about while I work I just don't know how I will concentrate and let go.

In Love

The bonds are strengthening and as Tori pulls out her first smiles and coos we are falling in love.

The bond I have with Bella is unshakable and now I am growing closer to my new daughter and it feels wonderful. Bella is sensing the changes. She has to share me. She is in love too in her own way. She goes up to Tori and says she's cute and that she wants to hold her, but she also lets out some jealous comments now and then. She sees the baby sleep in our room, held in our arms and is fed her bottle with gazes and smiles.

Bella will love being a sister. If their personalities are as similar as their looks then they will be best friends.

Tommy is such a rock. His emotional state always appears put together while I torture myself with little stresses. He makes me fall in love with him over and over daily with his compartmentalizing skills.

As you can see I am enchanted by the family right now. I have been through some very blue moments and they may return but all in all I am doing quite well... as long as I stay home. I'm not very adventurous yet.

Pressure

Today marks Tori's 3rd week. She is thriving and growing fast. It's hard to believe that it's already been that long. BUT, it really isn't that long at all. You see, I have been feeling pressure. I don't know if it's me being sensitive or if it's real, but I feel like I'm being pushed. I need more time to heal. My body is not ready for even the smallest outing with both of my kids by myself. My emotions barely handle the mundane, much less the dramatic. And, I certainly can't be trusted with responsibilities further than me and my baby. I need more time.
The pressure comes from all around. Bella pressures me to play and horse around and some of that is fun for me too, but to her there's never enough.
Tori pressures me. She needs more milk now. I am pumping only and I have to stimulate that milk with more pumping. It takes a lot of patience to sit and pump ten times a day.
Marriage produces pressure to stand up and be the partner that you once were but certainly are not at this moment.
Family and friends pressure me to call and keep them abreast of every little thing. I can't remember what day it is sometimes and people are getting their feelings hurt because I haven't called, invited or sent pictures. I haven't even begun to design a birth announcement... GASP!
I just can't move fast enough for some people. It's all because I'm not ready.
I need more time. I'm almost 30. Not 20. I can't be held up to old standards. I just can't.

What it is

Since I've been home with the new baby a routine is making itself. It's not fun but it's here to stay for a while and it involves the sweetest gift. So, it's not a complaint just a statement.
sun rises
bottle warming
sleepy mommy feeding very sleepy baby
fight with baby to wake her up...after all she did just wake me up
one hour passes
clean pumping accessories
pump milk for next bottle
try to get once very sleepy baby back to sleep
fail at that
stay up
get Bella out of bed for breakfast
wish no one needed to eat and everyone would just sleep til noon
eat breakfast
put baby down to sleep
take Bella to Mom's
come home and nap
feed baby
clean pumping accessories
pump milk
wonder why I can't successfully nurse a baby at my breast
wish formula didn't make babies scream in agony
listen to the pump (it talks, you know)
wonder why babies have their days and nights mixed up
wonder how possible it is for me to go on like this
take a nap
wake up feeling guilty for sleeping on a beautiful day
pump milk
try to feed very sleepy baby
rock very sleepy baby and smell top of her head...mmmmm
rub her cheeks and arms to try and commit to memory the tender moment
greet Bella as she comes home
wonder when Bella will forgive me for dedicating a lot of attention to her sister
Bella screams, "I can't like a Mommy."
no forgiveness today
go blog about it all
play outside on swing set
realize the nursing pads never made it back into tank top
nice
cook dinner
give bath
take shower
read stories
sing songs
pretend that I'm not having emotional issues (I am a bad faker)
have emotional issues
clean something furiously
brush teeth
what is floss again?
climb in to bed to watch boob tube
pump milk
wake sleepy baby to feed her
lay her down to sleep more
sleepy baby not so sleepy anymore
baby naps
12am mommy lays down
2am baby wakes up
1 hour feeding and pumping time
3am-ish mommy lays down
5am baby wakes up
feed baby
baby does not want to go back to sleep
7am baby may go back to sleep
mommy lays down
9am Bella wakes up and it all begins again.

Whew.
I'm tired.

I am still in awe. She is so beautiful and we are so proud of her. The visits have slowed and we are getting used to the newborn world again. It's all so tender and sentimental that my words aren't doing it justice. Anyway, these pics are some of the best. Babies are squirmy.

New Arrival

We have a new baby girl. Victoria Ann was born 7-3-08. She's perfect and we are so blessed. The delivery went well. I am feeling fine. I may have a milk duct issue, but other than that all is well. Blogging is out of the question for now. I will post pics ASAP. She is beautiful. She weighs 7 lbs and 3 ozs. Coincidence. Anyway, I just thought I would post this and hopefully it will spawn more motivation to keep up.
Welcome to the world baby girl!

Thank you sir may I have another...

day if being pregnant.
I'm due to deliver this baby TODAY! However, I don't believe that's going to happen. I had another bout of false labor, but no signs since then. The TMI of it all is there hasn't even been any loss of the "plug". As far I can tell all is in tact and could stay for another month. If it was 1970 the doctor would probably leave me to wait that long. Luckily, my doctor will induce me Sunday evening, making the baby due 7-7-08, which sits really well with Tommy. He's a little obsessed with numbers.
That's all I have to report. I'm just trying to relax, get everything in order and spend all kinds of quality time with Bella. We keep telling her about the new addition coming to the fam but she's not quite getting it yet. The baby will be here soon enough, so I am entertaining myself with very quiet moments, television, errands and naps.

Maternity leave day #1

Well, it's not noon yet and I'm already wondering what to do with my time here at home on maternity leave. Sitting and relaxing is not what I do best and I keep seeing chores that need to be done. The past couple of days have been extremely uncomfortable. My back hit a new level of screwed up and my legs and knees are feeling the pressure.
Today Bella said, "Mommy's and elephant." She's has no idea how true that feels.
I want to see this baby and hold her and coddle her, but she seems to be perfectly comfortable where she is.
I did sleep in a little this morning thanks to Tommy. Bella is here with me today but there will be times when she goes to my Mom's so I can relax a little before the big day.
I feel useless for some reason. This feeling comes every time I have to bend over and can barely stand back up without pain or grunting, and when I get angry at Bella for not standing perfectly still right in front of me while I put on her shoes. I just get frustrated with myself. I used to think of myself as a kind of supermom. The working, cooking, cleaning and childcare extraordinaire. Now I know all that credit I gave myself was bogus. Now, it's time to try doing all that with a smile and with TWO kids.
Yeah.
Pray for me.

Summer Color

When we were planning the scheme for Bella's room before she was born the thought popped in our head to have a poem painted around the ceiling line. We found the perfect person to do it. She was an old friend from a restaurant we worked at for a long time. She did it for FREE! She was an art school graduate and did damn impressive work. We were in love with the way the letters looked, the stars were sweet and the level beauty in the simple decor we had shot up drastically, in our opinion.
We wanted the exact same to happen with Tori's room. We knew the same plan wouldn't fly with the poem thing, but we hoped something would come through and WOW us.

This is part of Bella's ceiling poem.


This is Tori's Summer garden. This room gets the most light in the entire house. Now that it has bright flowers, a huge tree and butterflies, it's a magical treat. And guess which artist we carefully chose....................................me. I drew the tree and my Mom drew the flowers. Beautiful things happen when you try hard and let your imagination and tensions loose. The experience was very pleasant and turned out amazing.

Sometimes you just have to play hookey!

Teeny fingers and a giant prehistoric footprint.

Listening to Bella try to say Triceratops is hilarious.

The little kids' Discovery Place was a hit too.

It was a whim and it was fun. Yesterday, Charleen and I sat in our office and talked about taking Bella to Discovery Place. It took us all of 30 seconds to decide to take the day off, pick up Bella and my Mom and catch the light rail. We ate lunch on the Fox and Hound patio, then we meandered through Discovery Place at Bella's pace. We let her look at the things she wanted to see and play as long as she wanted. We even let her skip her nap, although we paid for that later.

It was another good time had by all.

Today Tommy and my Dad will set up a play set for Bella in our backyard. We are so excited that she is doing fun things and receiving fun toys.

I'm secretly nervous that Bella will react badly to the shift when the baby comes. We are very aware of the roller coaster ride we are about to experience and I don't want her to change. She is such a good girl. She responds to discipline, listens closely most of the time and I am so grateful for this. I am just slightly concerned that we won't be able to keep up with her one-on-one entertainment the way we currently do.

Happy Father's Day to my favorite men!

Bella knows that this guy is her biggest fan. In his eyes she can do no wrong. He rarely cringes when she wails, he would rather grant her wished than squash them and there is nothing he won't do with or for her. She is blessed in so many ways including having Tommy as her father. I love you both so much!

My father has a way of making me feel loved without even doing anything. He can just look at me and I see in his eyes that I mean the world to him. He has his own way of showing me affection. He delivers fatherly advice in a way that I remember through all my days. He requires little from me except to hear that I love him and bring his Bella to visit as often as possible. I am lucky enough to see him every day at work and that is a true privilege. I love you Daddy.

Consumed

I am rapidly approaching the 38th week of pregnancy. The simple fact that there is a baby this size inside me is dumbfounding. I am feeling large and mangled inside. The preoccupation of being this pregnant keeps my brain from functioning at maximum capacity. I'm consumed.

False Alram

I did it last time and, dang it, I refuse to be bamboozled again. I felt like I was going into labor early this morning. Luckily this time I didn't drag my poor husband to the triage department for no reason.
I woke up to a contraction that wasn't painful but it was definitely different. As I laid there with my heart pounding I felt them come one after the other, each one a little more painful than the last. Then, I got out of bed.
I realized at 5 am that my bags aren't packed there were dishes in the sink and the baby clothes weren't put in the proper spot... oh, and the laundry needed to be done. So, I got to work on the laundry and the dishes and I took a shower, just in case.
The event ended around 8 am and I went back to sleep.
That sucks.
I know now that I need to get prepared for the actual labor and I will frantically tackle that task.
I still don't feel right... after all that hub- ub this morning. I feel achy, sore and ready. I'm ready for this baby to show the real signs of making her unique entrance so I can meet her face to face.
I do think this could happen again before the actual birthday and that is so annoying.

5 Good Things

I'm happy to hop on and write about 5 good things in my life because I need a pick-me-up and a reminder of how good things really are.

1. There is a high in our family as we are waiting for the new baby to make her special and original entrance into this world. There is no better feeling than knowing we are bringing new life to this world and our family. I truly don't have words for how excited I am, the anticipation is really moving.

2. My stellar family (again) rose to the occasion for me in a trying time between me and my mother. They stand with me and keep me strong.

3. The sun and warm weather warm my soul. I am no fan of Winter or a cold Spring, I'd rather have 100 degrees any day... as long as I can find air conditioned refuge.

4. Bella loves to tell Tommy and I that we are her best friends. It is the sweetest thing.

5. This blog. I am really proud that this is my 103rd post. I've kept this going by modeling it after those I read and I am proud to have it; I even printed it to keep in a notebook for the memories. Christy you deserve a big THANK YOU!

Fun in the Sun

We all had a nice time during our family getaway.

Bella bonded with her cousin Nico.

She learned how to swim with her floaties.

We all ate really great food. (This was Bella's first ice cream cone of her own.)

We went out on Grammy and Pop's boat last weekend.

And ate some delicious food there too.

We needed these chances right before the new arrival to relax and enjoy each other. I am getting bigger every day and so is the baby. I can't wait to meet her and see how she will compare to (what I remember about) Bella's arrival. Now that we are back and things are back to "normal" we will commence finishing the baby's room. Working as much as possible for as long as possible and I will spend as much time standing up so gravity has a fighting chance to bring the baby out on time. Late babies aren't allowed.

Let the countdown begin!

There are only 4 weeks left in my pregnancy. I want to rush them and wish it away because it's getting harder to be me every day. I struggle with prioritizing chores and errands that need to be done because I am HUGE. My capabilities are cut in half and I am supposed to be taking it a bit easy.
I don't necessarily want to rush through these last weeks. It's just that they are very hard to deal with when you are a fidgety, antsy person who is used to doing everything she pleases.
I think about this baby. I wonder what she is going to look like. How much hair she will have at birth and if she will be perfect as Bella was?
I so look forward to those tender moments shared while nursing a baby. I want to ward away the discomforts that plagued me last time, like the mastitis, the episiotomy and the muscle weakness.
I have been more relaxed this week. Tommy has given me chances to rest in between nesting and caring for Bella that have settled my tension and eased my arm pain. Praise Tommy! I needed that and the truth is we will both need to continue that pampering of each other when possible after the baby.
We are taking a trip to Florida to visit family and take a break. The break is for us both before the storm.
I pray all turns out the way we plan and that the break will be as enjoyable as we both deserve.
I'll also be wearing my first maternity bathing suit and that's laughable to me, but I'm looking forward to it.

Memorial Day fun

We went to Tweetsie Railroad with a bunch of close friends during our holiday. It was a good time had by all. The only thing I wish I would have done differently is have Bella go on more rides and take better pictures. It was a little difficult to get 10 people to agree on what they all wanted to do at the same time.

Nonetheless, it was pure family fun and Bella was adorable the whole time. I'm so proud of her.

The first thing we did once we got there was ride the big train around the mountain and watch the cowboys and Indians pretend to fight. The gunfire made Bella very nervous and at one point she looked at me, eyes full of tears and whimpered "Let's... go... home," it was pitiful. But, the rest of the trip she relished every opportunity to play and have fun with her daddy and her friends that came along.

Paci update:

Bella still asks for her paci stub but it is of no use to her. She's stopped crying at night when we put her to bed and she seems very secure about the whole thing. The stub will have to go.

Bye Bye Paci!!

I have braved the battle and made my second attempt at helping Bella give up the pacifier.

She is such a big, smart girl and she's too old for it. The new baby will probably use one and I know that may be an issue, but I think when she sees that little babies need them and big girls don't, she'll understand.

I cut the round part off her paci.

She didn't see me do it, I handed it to her as usual and she knew this was different.

She pretended it was fine with her for a while and then when it was time to sleep...she flipped out.

It broke our hearts.

She threw it across the room a few times and I went in very calmly and picked it up. After a while she stopped asking for her 'pink' paci, the one she knew had a whole sucking end.

I never gave in and Tommy helped me stick to it.

We shall see what tonight brings. But, her life should be smooth sailing until the baby is born and I figure that's enough time to spring this new habit on her.

Yes, she still has half a paci. I do want her to give that up too. I know soon she will be willing to trade that stump of a paci for a shiny new snugly toy.

I am ready... I think.

34 weeks gone...

Tommy and I are eagerly awaiting the new baby and it won't be very much longer! We have only approximately 6 weeks to wait. The actual due date is estimated to be either June 28th or July 1st.
As far as my pregnant body goes; I gained less weight than I did last pregnancy so far, I can safely say this time I was much more sick and sore yet more apt to want to enjoy it rather than wish it away.
This pregnancy is flying by, having a 2-year-old during a pregnancy takes my mind off the daily waiting to see progress and helps me remember to stop every now and then and feel, bond and recognize what I'm doing.
Tomorrow we're having a yard sale to rid the corners of our house of clutter. This will lead to the baby's room being cleared and ready for the crib and other furnishings that are on the way.
It's all very surreal at this point. I don't know what to expect so I expect the worst, naturally. I get nervous but then I really try to enjoy the way things are right now and say to myself, 6 weeks = 42 days and I have to take them one at a time.
Dang, 42 days! That's not long at ALL.

WTF

Highly unusual...

ATHENS, Greece (AP) -- A nine-year-old girl who went to hospital suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin, doctors in central Greece said Thursday.
Doctors at Larissa General Hospital examined the girl and surgically removed a growth they later discovered was an embryo about six centimeters (more than two inches) long.
"They could see on the right side that her belly was swollen, but they couldn't suspect that this tumor would hide an embryo," hospital director Iakovos Brouskelis said.
The girl has made a full recovery, he said.
Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.
Markou said cases where one of a set of twins absorbs the other in the womb occur in one of 500,000 live births.
The girl's family did not want to be identified, hospital officials said.

Improvise

As I sat at my desk eating cereal with a fork this morning because there were no spoons, I realized I'm going to be doing a lot of improvising for quite a while.
Reporting to my job every morning is painful. My arm pain that was diagnosed as TMS is back. I don't know why, but it came back right when my mother said she was going to Hawaii.
I certainly didn't improvise being nice about that but somehow my body reacted. This may not be TMS.
This may be hormonal. My tendons are drunk with relaxin and have the right to be sensitive at this point. But, why when I sleep?
My morning:
Wake in pain throughout the wee hours before dawn.
Eventually look at clock if arm will support body without me crying in pain.
Tear off Velcro on carpel tunnel splints that I have to wear because my damn fingers hurt.
Place feet on the floor and rise to standing position cursing the Lord for giving me this pain AGAIN to handle without medication.
Find toilet.
Think to self when will this go away? I can't go through this with a new baby. Why did it chose me?
Get showered and dressed without hurting right arm more. Left arm seems to move with pain too.
Brush teeth. Think to self am I going to have to brush with my left hand...that's not possible.
Fix hair.
Stretch...and think, let's go little arm I don't have the patience for this.
It's either work through the pain or lay back down and cry about it.

The day continues and I continue to improvise... directing myself: "be the happy go lucky worker, mother and woman who feels no pain."

Throughout the day the arm pain will come and go as though it's warmed up and the muscles or tendons are feeling better.
But, I know that in the morning it will be there again and soon I am going to crack and really get fed up. I feel myself very close to that now.

Celebrate!

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our 3rd anniversary. In that short amount of time we have really done a lot. We've actually been together 6+ years so when we got married we were eager to begin our family.

Soon the 2 that were married 3 years ago will be a family of 4. Bella has brought us more happiness and love of life than anything in the world so, this baby will definitely be the icing on the cake. She will complete our family and we can continue to show both girls the joys of life and do the things we've dreamed of doing as a family.

The best part of being married is the friend you have right beside you through and through. Tommy and I figured out early on that married life will be very sweet as long as love comes out in the words we speak to one another and understanding never leaves the room.

The friendship is deep and makes me feel secure and I miss him when he's not with me.

Getting married 3 years ago, I had no clue what kind of wife I would be or what it took to make this work. But, now it's my pleasure to find more ways to show Tommy how happy I am . I enjoy being his and his wife. I need to know that we are doing the right things to make this marriage work.

As far as I'm concerned we've done it.

Yay us!

I love you Babe.

Have a great day... I'll see you at dinner.

2 posts in one day...Wow!

Here's the bathroom of the addition that's remains ALMOST done.

And, a rare picture, our newly added bedroom. I say rare because how often do people take pics of where they sleep and post them on a blog? I'd say, not very many... on a G rated blog. The wall on the top right are where a rocking recliner and pack and play will soon reside. The future resting spot of Victoria.

A welcoming of Spring... that's now in full bloom.

A precious moment trying to foof off the dandelion seeds.
Come on Thomasina, it's back to the rest home. Ha!

I admit the 3 pics above are from Easter. It's never too late, right?

Happy Early Mother's Day

Julie Racano, this is your life. You are 33 weeks pregnant and you have a 2-year-old. What the heck are you going to do now?
Love it!
I feel like a special member of a society on Mother's day. I think of all the handmade gifts and cards I used to make my mom and I so look forward to getting those from my girls. I don't always recognize that the day is also for me, a mother. I feel stressed because it's a week packed full of hubub.
Mother's Day gets drowned out with driving and buying and rushing and mailing. Really, all it is is an attempt at making people stop and realize that thier mother deserves a moment of respect and attention for the triumph of motherhood.
I have a lot of mothers to attend to. Not all are my mother, of course. But, they are all very special.

Mom
Charleen
Grandmother
Grandmother Chris
Mamaw
Grandma Racano
Tommy's mom

Happy Early Mother's day to all of you!

Reaching

Lately I've wanted to write something positive and fun and post some pics on this blog. However, I continue to forget to bring the camera to download new pics and I have to scrape through the sour part of my brain and get to the sweet stuff.

Here are some positives that I came up with:
**The addition and it's clean-up are ALMOST done. Slowly, but surely , we are getting things back together and the addition is breathtaking.
**The sunny weather is allowing our lawn and "garden" to grow in and looks pretty normal.
**Work is not too terribly stressful this week. I'm able to let myself work at a pace that normally wouldn't be acceptable.
**My time spent in the office chair is more enjoyable than time spent up and walking, this is normally reverse. I am really getting huge and the bones in my feet sometimes feel as though they might puncture the skin on the bottom of my foot when I walk too much.
**Bella is talking more and more. She loves on me and tells me she likes me and that I am her friend. Awww, what a girl!
**My Mom being gone made me realize that she and Bella may have needed a break from each other. My Mom is awesome with her. She doesn't drive and no one usually comes over so they are pretty much in the same place all day, every day, until we pick her up.
**The baby in my belly is strong and perfect in size. She tries to put her foot through the side of my uterus sometimes and even though it hurts mildly, I enjoy it. I just can't wait to bond with her too.
**My husband has been put through some of my hormonal rages lately and he survived. That's a positive, right? My rages are short usually or long bouts of crying. It's pretty unnerving even to me, but it is what it is.
**Tommy makes me feel safe and good. I still would have been a lost soul with even more anger issues if not for him.

There are positives everywhere and I need to soak them in. This is the EASY part of being a Mom, that I know.
With luck and positive thoughts, things will be more fun and enjoyable.
I just found my new motto... if I can remember it.

Colder than a February Night

This past week I have gone to new heights of letting my mother know the anger I still carry for her and her decisions in the past. This monkey on my back is about to eat me alive. I want so much to get rid of it but still, I cannot. I am not proud of the way I speak to her, think of her or keep myself from her. After all I am her child, her original true love. Even after I realize all that, I still do not respect her or want to accept her just the way she is. This plagues me. So, I try. Sometimes I try to carry on conversations without thinking of all the anger and all the memories. She is one of the most giving people. She is artsy, bubbly, gentle and loving. She hurts when I hurt. But, when I begin to feel and regurgitate the depth of her actions through time, I feel nauseous and mad. I want to throw things and yell and tell her how she could have been so much different. She does not deal with issues well. Her brain is wired to keep her from being able to process all the damage she may have done.

poor hotmail

If hotmail has to support all the e-fights like I had with my mother today, then I feel sorry.
Miss Thang wants to run to Hawaii for 10 days and stay with god-knows-who in god-knows-where, on the dime of another.
Good thinkin', Mom.
Way to make those decisions. Risky, idealized decisions.
She's unreal.

Herstory

Her: When I was a little girl I dreamed of having to dig a hole to hide my whole family from the Japanese.
Me: What?
Her: We would have blackouts.
Me: Energy blackouts?
Her: NO dear, blackouts to keep them from bombing us. If they saw the lights from the town they knew where to drop the bomb. We had blackout curtains. You couldn't see any light through them... except maybe a sliver on the edges. There were police who walked around checking to make sure no light came through the slivers. If it did, you got fined.
Me: Whoa.
Her: It was a crazy time right after the depression. People still rationed food. Right before I was born people had to grow their own food.
Me: (thinking: I bet a lot of people starved.)
Her: People gathered scraps like metal.
Me: For money.
Her: NO to melt and re-use for themselves. It was so scarce.
Me: I need to ask more questions. This is fascinating.

We are so disconnected from what it's like to be hungry, scared and cold. Our grandparents are precious gems and while some of mine are still alive, I need to know what they know and hear it in their words to commit to memory.

What a treasure.

The third trimester

image from kidshealth.org

She is a BIG baby. She may not be big by the doctor's standards but on me she is huge. I love it. I feel her move to the gurgles of my stomach and when I cramp her womb by pressing oh-so-slightly on my belly, she wriggles. She is not only huge in size, she is huge in my life.

I read this morning that the third trimester brings daydreams and excitement about the baby's arrival and, true to form, I'm there.

My nerves are a little more settled than yesterday and the day before. Partly because I spent the night at Mom's instead of my house. Also, I do feel a sense of contentment and that everything's going to be okay.

So caught up!

I'm wrapped with worry and tension and emotion. Things that normally don't matter like floors and paint and glass are consuming me. I hate it. Construction is not for sissies.
God bless general contractors all over the world.
The addition to our house is proving to be hairy right here at the end. I handle minimal stress as it is but the stress that comes with having our home upside down is very unique.
I need to thank Tommy for loving me even though I freak out.
Thanks babe! I love you.

Where's the hexagon?

Bella said that when we were playing with one of my old shape sorting toys. Who knew she actually absorbed the (what we think) are more difficult lessons and words we throw her way. She is amazing, perceptive, super sweet and charming.
She's sick now too. The poor dear.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

We've got furniture.
For the first time Tommy and I have a real live bedroom set and master suite. The entire project is not quite finished but the room is really close. Wow! We love it. (Pics to come if I can remember the damn cord to plug into the computer, Gah!)

Also, the baby is getting bigger every day. I knew getting pregnant was going to be hard but this time it's harder. I'm still trying to enjoy it. I am really nervous about Bella's reaction to having a sister. It's a good thing we have 2+ months left. At least now I have the king bed!!!!

www.nomoresickness.com

I woke up last Thursday with that feeling. My face and neck were sore as another cold, or whatever it is took over. It took it's time too, making it seem as though I might be suffering from allergies for the first time in my life. Who knows? A lot of things go crazy when you're pregnant. I might have allergies all of the sudden.
Nope. Today the cough and chest congestion took over, leaving the annoying-ness of the stuffy nose and headache in second place.
Another cold with cough.
This makes, since I've been pregnant, the seventh time I've been sick.
2 stomach viruses, 1 sinus infection, and, at least, 4 colds.
NOT TO MENTION the sciatica, carpel tunnel, constipation, indigestion, ETC...
But, all in all I'm functional. I'm plugging along wondering what it was that used to keep me SO healthy for years at a time.
What I want is unattainable. I need to come to work in the morning, log on to the (imaginary) website, http://www.nomoresickness.com/, and get a daily dose of what to do to keep myself healthy, because I'm not doing very well on my own.

New. born.

That word is sending me into a tizzy. I will soon... have, once again, a... NEWBORN. Oh, the sweetness. The baby hair. The ever-so-soft skin. The cute tiny clothes and diapers. The little whimpers when they eat and fall asleep. Sleep smiles. Sweet snuggles. Gorgeous baby-ness.

There is also projectile poop, flailing reflex when laid on their back, the instant, full volume, heart pumping, hunger and gas screams.

I honestly can't think of a lot of things that worry me about the baby. What worries me... is me.
Last time, my boobs were the size of footballs, my back was that of a 100-year-old and my brain shut down during normal conversations and only understood talk about the baby. Every inch of me was altered. I left the life I thought I knew and stepped... NO, leaped... into the twilight zone. The zone where only eating and sleeping mattered. No fashion existed, no friendships were nourished, a clean house was a memory and no one could get in between me and my baby... unless i needed to take a shower/nap in the bath tub.

I became very scared right before I gave birth to Bella. When I say right before, I mean the instant the nurse told me I was going to be pushing soon. I didn't understand the moment, I was shaking from all the meds and I couldn't wrap my brain around me being a mother. Now, I would never trade it for ANYTHING. But that fear was strong.

This is not fear...yet. It's apprehension about the change. The girl I know as my only daughter will be affected. I don't want her life to change for the worse. We have so much to pay attention to already. She will potty train soon, I think. We need to wean her from the paci (oh, that is a fear). She is so curious and sponge-like to information and we need to be able to nourish her brain.
Will we be able to keep up our high standards? Are we going to be strong enough to handle the demand for as long as they are so demanding? I am trying to prepare. I need to read more about this subject but, I am still in the stage of wallowing in it.

Happy Spring!

Hot damn, it's finally Spring!
I have so many cute pics to share and I left the camera at home. I am definitely suffering from pregnancy amnesia BAD! I hope to have a picture post ASAP to display my adorable Spring pics.

My pregnant body #7

Lucky number 7. According to my pregnancy calender, I am 7 months pregnant with 3 and a half months to go. Whatever.

I am feeling different lately.

Bad different: leg cramps, abdominal discomfort, itching (stretching), bloating, pee WAY too often, nesting (cleaning until I cause myself pain), nerves about having 2 kids and being in pain and unrested and homely, having people ask me how I'm feeling constantly, moodiness and I've been spilling a lot of food on my shirt.

Good different: my husband taking care of me and being so kind, excited about the other child we get to nurture and love, being round and maternal, having been so very sober for so long, elated about soon seeing this little creature who reaches for my hand when I press my belly and kissing those tiny toes and fingers and soft head, having people ask me how I'm feeling constantly.

Just thought I would post this update. I should be printing these for a scrapbook since this is the LAST time I will be 7 (6) months pregnant. Sigh.

On my mind again

I'll never get used to this.
She's on the move again. The fiance didn't work out.
What's marked in bold is what gets to me!

"Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.
People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.
In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone"
(Mayoclinic.com)

Pregzilla in the midst

Everything seems to be stuck in the middle. The day, the week, my pregnancy, the addition. Every day there's more to do than the last. I really feel like I am getting bigger by the minute and the ability to work tirelessly becomes shorter and shorter. I am needy. In need of all this to gracefully be done and PASS. Am I wishing time away? Maybe. Do I feel like I need to go to a spa and preggy retreat until I give birth or the house is done? Yes.

Lesson of the day

Double check all political propaganda... even if it's from your grandmother!

The Wal-Mart Waddle

During my first pregnancy I took a birth prep class with a teacher who also taught prenatal yoga. She said that if you don't work out and keep you back muscles strong you will develop (what she dubbed) the the Wal-Mart waddle.
Because of her I now obsessively try not to look like the lazy, back-holding, feet-dragging, ducky mom who also happens to shop at Wal-Mart.
It is almost impossible.
My back has that curve. I either waddle or slump and they are both very odd and uncomfortable so I'm attempting to do something about this.
As often as I can, I lift weights making my arms and legs stronger and I even do some questionable moves to strengthen my back. Questionable because I'm not sure that I can keep this up and I'm not sure I'm not injuring my back by doing what would be safe and normal for a non-preggy.
I also purchased some preggy workout videos. They were around one dollar before shipping so they are pretty old. One is with Denise Austin and her peppiness is...well...nauseatingly uplifting. Plus Bella comes in while I'm working out and wants to dance with me to the music while holding my hand. Who can say no to that?
Last time I was pregnant I took a prenatal Pilate's class and I liked it until one of the other mothers was doing a very simple crunch move while holding on to her legs, the poor girl tooted so loudly that I was hysterical with laughter for hours and very aware that could happen to me. I refuse to go to a class where this could happen because my embarrassment factor is ridiculous. Overly paranoid? Probably.
Last time I gained 40 lbs. Also ridiculous. I cannot, will not, should not do that again.
I guess Denise and I will be getting to annoy each other better.

My pregnant body #6

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.
It's hard to convince myself of this every day. The mirror reflects a me that was a far memory. "I can't believe I'm pregnant again." I told Leslie on the phone the other day. She asked me if the baby was kicking.
It's been moving, as far as I could feel, for over a month and a half now. She laughed at herself because "of course you've felt her kick, you're like 6 months pregnant." But she didn't know. I haven't told her about it.
It is an extremely personal thing. Sitting there watching TV with Tommy, I feel the baby knocking at my uterine wall. "Feel this." I tell him. He may or may not catch a kick. I feel tons of movement when I am standing an even more when I lay down. She's there and she's going to get huge and then (DUN DUN DUNNN) she's going to come out. How weird is that?
I'm freaking pregnant again.
Wow.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Anyway, I have a new found joy/craving for certain things. These are a few of my favorite things... while pregnant:
sweet tea
extra soft sheets... 800 thread count...mmmmmmmm
comfy shoes
comfy socks
ranch dressing... not Kraft either yuck! homeade, fresh stuff
ketchup
dips...guacamole, salsa, spinach, queso
lemonade
citrus fruits in general
cheese steak sandwiches... again good ones, no posers
delicious salads... Caesar, Brixx grilled chicken
baby furniture and bedding
my friends---(There is nothing like the love and attention of a friend. Your husband, your parents, your children cannot replace those trusted souls that carried you when you were feeling low and picked you up to make you laugh through tears. I love being with my few favorite friends when there's time to talk and reminisce and breath easy with no chores and no time constraint. I need it now more than ever.)
hot showers... better yet long hot soaks in the tub
gentle perfumes
a flattering shirt (and pant but that rarely happens)
a back rub!!!!!
great sing-out-loud music
hilarious jokes/ moments/ comments- belly laughs
energy... you know, the ability to do work...yeah, that thing, i miss that.
good moods


If I could just have these all in one day. I would be happy for a week... maybe.