That word is sending me into a tizzy. I will soon... have, once again, a... NEWBORN. Oh, the sweetness. The baby hair. The ever-so-soft skin. The cute tiny clothes and diapers. The little whimpers when they eat and fall asleep. Sleep smiles. Sweet snuggles. Gorgeous baby-ness.
There is also projectile poop, flailing reflex when laid on their back, the instant, full volume, heart pumping, hunger and gas screams.
I honestly can't think of a lot of things that worry me about the baby. What worries me... is me.
Last time, my boobs were the size of footballs, my back was that of a 100-year-old and my brain shut down during normal conversations and only understood talk about the baby. Every inch of me was altered. I left the life I thought I knew and stepped... NO, leaped... into the twilight zone. The zone where only eating and sleeping mattered. No fashion existed, no friendships were nourished, a clean house was a memory and no one could get in between me and my baby... unless i needed to take a shower/nap in the bath tub.
I became very scared right before I gave birth to Bella. When I say right before, I mean the instant the nurse told me I was going to be pushing soon. I didn't understand the moment, I was shaking from all the meds and I couldn't wrap my brain around me being a mother. Now, I would never trade it for ANYTHING. But that fear was strong.
This is not fear...yet. It's apprehension about the change. The girl I know as my only daughter will be affected. I don't want her life to change for the worse. We have so much to pay attention to already. She will potty train soon, I think. We need to wean her from the paci (oh, that is a fear). She is so curious and sponge-like to information and we need to be able to nourish her brain.
Will we be able to keep up our high standards? Are we going to be strong enough to handle the demand for as long as they are so demanding? I am trying to prepare. I need to read more about this subject but, I am still in the stage of wallowing in it.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Happy Spring!
Hot damn, it's finally Spring!
I have so many cute pics to share and I left the camera at home. I am definitely suffering from pregnancy amnesia BAD! I hope to have a picture post ASAP to display my adorable Spring pics.
I have so many cute pics to share and I left the camera at home. I am definitely suffering from pregnancy amnesia BAD! I hope to have a picture post ASAP to display my adorable Spring pics.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
My pregnant body #7
Lucky number 7. According to my pregnancy calender, I am 7 months pregnant with 3 and a half months to go. Whatever.
I am feeling different lately.
Bad different: leg cramps, abdominal discomfort, itching (stretching), bloating, pee WAY too often, nesting (cleaning until I cause myself pain), nerves about having 2 kids and being in pain and unrested and homely, having people ask me how I'm feeling constantly, moodiness and I've been spilling a lot of food on my shirt.
Good different: my husband taking care of me and being so kind, excited about the other child we get to nurture and love, being round and maternal, having been so very sober for so long, elated about soon seeing this little creature who reaches for my hand when I press my belly and kissing those tiny toes and fingers and soft head, having people ask me how I'm feeling constantly.
Just thought I would post this update. I should be printing these for a scrapbook since this is the LAST time I will be 7 (6) months pregnant. Sigh.
I am feeling different lately.
Bad different: leg cramps, abdominal discomfort, itching (stretching), bloating, pee WAY too often, nesting (cleaning until I cause myself pain), nerves about having 2 kids and being in pain and unrested and homely, having people ask me how I'm feeling constantly, moodiness and I've been spilling a lot of food on my shirt.
Good different: my husband taking care of me and being so kind, excited about the other child we get to nurture and love, being round and maternal, having been so very sober for so long, elated about soon seeing this little creature who reaches for my hand when I press my belly and kissing those tiny toes and fingers and soft head, having people ask me how I'm feeling constantly.
Just thought I would post this update. I should be printing these for a scrapbook since this is the LAST time I will be 7 (6) months pregnant. Sigh.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
On my mind again
I'll never get used to this.
She's on the move again. The fiance didn't work out.
What's marked in bold is what gets to me!
"Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.
People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.
In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone"
(Mayoclinic.com)
She's on the move again. The fiance didn't work out.
What's marked in bold is what gets to me!
"Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.
People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.
In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone"
(Mayoclinic.com)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Pregzilla in the midst
Everything seems to be stuck in the middle. The day, the week, my pregnancy, the addition. Every day there's more to do than the last. I really feel like I am getting bigger by the minute and the ability to work tirelessly becomes shorter and shorter. I am needy. In need of all this to gracefully be done and PASS. Am I wishing time away? Maybe. Do I feel like I need to go to a spa and preggy retreat until I give birth or the house is done? Yes.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Wal-Mart Waddle
During my first pregnancy I took a birth prep class with a teacher who also taught prenatal yoga. She said that if you don't work out and keep you back muscles strong you will develop (what she dubbed) the the Wal-Mart waddle.
Because of her I now obsessively try not to look like the lazy, back-holding, feet-dragging, ducky mom who also happens to shop at Wal-Mart.
It is almost impossible.
My back has that curve. I either waddle or slump and they are both very odd and uncomfortable so I'm attempting to do something about this.
As often as I can, I lift weights making my arms and legs stronger and I even do some questionable moves to strengthen my back. Questionable because I'm not sure that I can keep this up and I'm not sure I'm not injuring my back by doing what would be safe and normal for a non-preggy.
I also purchased some preggy workout videos. They were around one dollar before shipping so they are pretty old. One is with Denise Austin and her peppiness is...well...nauseatingly uplifting. Plus Bella comes in while I'm working out and wants to dance with me to the music while holding my hand. Who can say no to that?
Last time I was pregnant I took a prenatal Pilate's class and I liked it until one of the other mothers was doing a very simple crunch move while holding on to her legs, the poor girl tooted so loudly that I was hysterical with laughter for hours and very aware that could happen to me. I refuse to go to a class where this could happen because my embarrassment factor is ridiculous. Overly paranoid? Probably.
Last time I gained 40 lbs. Also ridiculous. I cannot, will not, should not do that again.
I guess Denise and I will be getting to annoy each other better.
Because of her I now obsessively try not to look like the lazy, back-holding, feet-dragging, ducky mom who also happens to shop at Wal-Mart.
It is almost impossible.
My back has that curve. I either waddle or slump and they are both very odd and uncomfortable so I'm attempting to do something about this.
As often as I can, I lift weights making my arms and legs stronger and I even do some questionable moves to strengthen my back. Questionable because I'm not sure that I can keep this up and I'm not sure I'm not injuring my back by doing what would be safe and normal for a non-preggy.
I also purchased some preggy workout videos. They were around one dollar before shipping so they are pretty old. One is with Denise Austin and her peppiness is...well...nauseatingly uplifting. Plus Bella comes in while I'm working out and wants to dance with me to the music while holding my hand. Who can say no to that?
Last time I was pregnant I took a prenatal Pilate's class and I liked it until one of the other mothers was doing a very simple crunch move while holding on to her legs, the poor girl tooted so loudly that I was hysterical with laughter for hours and very aware that could happen to me. I refuse to go to a class where this could happen because my embarrassment factor is ridiculous. Overly paranoid? Probably.
Last time I gained 40 lbs. Also ridiculous. I cannot, will not, should not do that again.
I guess Denise and I will be getting to annoy each other better.
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