I just want to scream

I need a break.
Not a weekend, because honestly there is no end to my week, it's just time working somewhere else.
I need to breathe and relax and let go. I need time for myself, time to relieve the tension built up around and inside of me. I need time to let my kids miss me and let me miss them. The more time I spend doing things that rack my nerves, the more sensitive and irritable I become.
I become whiny, light headed, air headed and ticked off. I lose myself.
When the fun is drained from the everyday tasks the child in me comes out with a vengeance. It desires attention and love and coddling.
Even though we grow up we are still the child that our parents raised. That child just gains more experience and communication skills but sometimes the child forgets all those skills and screams out in anger and frustration. The child in me is out today and she is not very friendly.
GRRRRR!

How do I spell silly? BELLA

What does a backpack, a Cinderella dress, a wooden spoon, a spatula, a plastic carrot, a baby doll and a ribbon all have in common? They are all things that Bella insisted take a nap with her today. She wore the Cinderella dress accented with tiger slippers. The use for the backpack was unclear, but the ribbon wraps around the baby doll so Bella can dangle her from her crib and pretend that she if fishing. She rarely takes a nap for me anymore so I don't dispute the toys in bed. She plays nicely for a couple of hours and sometimes she falls asleep after playing. The fight to keep the toys out of the bed, I'm afraid, would be so disruptive so I accept it and put her in her tiny bed with 8 other objects.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm getting in the holiday spirit early this year. I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday because there is no big excuse to spends tons of money. It's more relaxing too. However, this year Bella will really enjoy Christmas and Santa and the gifts. She didn't sit on Santa's lap last year because we chose to have a family photo made instead. So this year we'll see if she flips out or not. She'll love the parades on TV and the tree more than ever. I also relish in the fact that now we have two and they have so many Christmas Eve's to stay up together and giggle from the giddiness that Christmas Eve brings. I always wanted that for myself and to watch them and see it through a child's eyes again brings back the magic.

Down comes the rain

The news yesterday left me weepy and spent. I cried to get out the emotion of, not only the prognosis, but the pent up frustration that I have with her. Those cries are few and far between but necessary and relieving. Today, I can talk at length about it and even write a little about it. I can't reveal all for privacy purposes but I just need to write something.
The news first came when I was 16. It was around Christmas.
That Christmas she spent in the hospital, too sick for her home. I didn't stay long and I didn't dwell for I knew she would bounce back. The dwelling came out slowly over the years to come of watching her yo-yo lifestyle bounce her around. She never once admitted defeat or wrong. She just fought harder.
The fight in her is fading. The biology of it all will defeat her. She is human. Today she will have a normal day and we won't know about tomorrow until it comes. I will console her as best I can and let Him handle it for us.
My faith is strong, unlike when I was 16. I believe that He is there for us. He will be there until end.

You can take the girl out of the country...

I was moved to tears multiple times last night while watching the Country Music Awards. Trace Adtkins sang this song:


She was staring out the window of their SUV
Complaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

And I lost it.
There are so many country songs that I love and now I have a new one.

Today, some news came. News I knew I wold hear and I knew I would never be prepared for. But all I can think of is how I already miss this.

Reflecting

The top pic is Bella and the bottom is Tori, notice her blue-ish eyes. I didn't think that was possible.
The girls look similar but less now than ever.
Having a baby is like having an angel around all the time.
So sweet.

No focus

I've been trying to blog for days now but every thought goes just as quickly as it comes. I even tried to post Halloween pics last Friday, a week late mind you, when an anomaly occurred. Even if I explained it it would baffle you, it was essentially a computer error.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bella was Minnie Mouse and Tori was asleep in the stroller for Halloween. We went trick-or-treating in our neighborhood and found out that we had to walk quite a distance just to hit up a few houses for candy for our two-year-old, which I really don't even want her to eat. It was very fun and worth it for the memory and the exercise.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I miss reading and the time to myself so, at the library last week I borrowed The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. What an awesome story, I truly loved listening to it and I will definitely be borrowing more audio books in the future. I am not a romantic but that story warmed my heart and I can't wait to get lost in another book soon.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My big girl, Bella, is testing me more lately. She gets so jealous when we hold Tori. She will refuse to speak to us and she whines and pitches more fits than ever. I look at old pictures and remember her as a one-year-old and think about how perfect she was. She NEVER acted out when she was the only child. She was sweet and loving and now she is changing and I could just mourn the loss of her babyhood. I will never forget how my first child and I bonded and how sweet and affectionate she used to be. I hope that comes back and SOON.
Sigh.
I love her so much.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tori is testing us too. She wakes every morning at 4:30. She depends on us to replace the paci or feed her, even though she's not that hungry.
She has learned that if she cries Mommy or Daddy will come. It's taking its toll on me and I am realizing that we need to get tough and fast. Tough I am not. I will have to pretend.

The holidays are creeping up and more milestones are on their way. My grandmother used to ask me to stop growing up. I promised her I wouldn't get "big." I find myself asking that of my girls. I just want to freeze time some days and just live the same day over and over.

Election Day has arrived...

Now Elizabeth Hasselbeck will finally SHUT UP.
GOBAMA!
GOBAMA!
GOBAMA!
I feel so good about my decision.

The baby and the big girl

Tori is 4 moths old.
I can't believe this time last year I was headed for nausea and growing pains. I had to wait out the months, weeks, days, and finally the hours to meet the beauty who now holds my heart in the palm of her slobbery little hand.
She makes me beam with pride.
I could post a daily bulletin about how she's changing and making us watch her so closely and admire every last second of her baby-hood. It's a gift, a treasure and I will never get over how fast it goes by.
Today I got out the high chair. She will start eating rice cereal today. I am taken back to Bella's first cereal bites and those faces she made we caught on camera. She was so small. But, now that Tori is 4 months, she seems HUGE and advanced and different. Because Bella was my first, I didn't know she was getting so big, I had no frame of reference.
These days Bella is an animal. The type of animal that you need strategy and training to handle. The strategy must first be coy and attention to her must never cease or there could be blood. She's very attune to the weaknesses in us. She plays us like a fiddle and she's not above pitting one of us against the other. She has us breaking out the parenting books and having strategy meetings behind her back. The trouble is she's always going to be our first child and the "guinea pig" of our rearing education. She sometimes presents challenges and embarrassing moments proving that we need to keep up with the task at hand called parenting with love.
I love this job of the matriarch and the nurturer. I have moments of tears and despair. But, I love the fact that I am needed and no matter what EVER happens I love my girls!