My pregnant body #6

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.
It's hard to convince myself of this every day. The mirror reflects a me that was a far memory. "I can't believe I'm pregnant again." I told Leslie on the phone the other day. She asked me if the baby was kicking.
It's been moving, as far as I could feel, for over a month and a half now. She laughed at herself because "of course you've felt her kick, you're like 6 months pregnant." But she didn't know. I haven't told her about it.
It is an extremely personal thing. Sitting there watching TV with Tommy, I feel the baby knocking at my uterine wall. "Feel this." I tell him. He may or may not catch a kick. I feel tons of movement when I am standing an even more when I lay down. She's there and she's going to get huge and then (DUN DUN DUNNN) she's going to come out. How weird is that?
I'm freaking pregnant again.
Wow.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Anyway, I have a new found joy/craving for certain things. These are a few of my favorite things... while pregnant:
sweet tea
extra soft sheets... 800 thread count...mmmmmmmm
comfy shoes
comfy socks
ranch dressing... not Kraft either yuck! homeade, fresh stuff
ketchup
dips...guacamole, salsa, spinach, queso
lemonade
citrus fruits in general
cheese steak sandwiches... again good ones, no posers
delicious salads... Caesar, Brixx grilled chicken
baby furniture and bedding
my friends---(There is nothing like the love and attention of a friend. Your husband, your parents, your children cannot replace those trusted souls that carried you when you were feeling low and picked you up to make you laugh through tears. I love being with my few favorite friends when there's time to talk and reminisce and breath easy with no chores and no time constraint. I need it now more than ever.)
hot showers... better yet long hot soaks in the tub
gentle perfumes
a flattering shirt (and pant but that rarely happens)
a back rub!!!!!
great sing-out-loud music
hilarious jokes/ moments/ comments- belly laughs
energy... you know, the ability to do work...yeah, that thing, i miss that.
good moods


If I could just have these all in one day. I would be happy for a week... maybe.

this blogger

Every week I try to pump out a few words that are on my mind and maybe some pictures of events or moments that I want to share. I like blogging, I really do, but there are a lot of insecurities about it that I would have never guessed come along with it.
I went to school for a long time to find a niche. I really loved reading great pieces that I wrote in school and even though they were few and far between, it was rewarding. So, I challenged myself, added a few classes of journalism to beef up my major in college and finished with some nice thoughts about my ability to write... newspaper articles.
I've never been an English whiz, I am fascinated with language and writers' abilities to construct emotion and beauty in storytelling some of the best of which I have read in blogs.
I knew there would be an insecurity about my writing ability but I took this on as an exercise like a class assignment. I have to keep it up for myself, read it for mistakes, mull over it looking for better, more describing and telling (but not too telling) words.
That's the hardest part. Not too telling. I'm not trying to hide anything but trying to be polite, considerate, loving and conscientious.
As you can imagine, I haven't invited my mother to read my blog. Whether she does or not, I don't know.
She knows how I feel but I don't want her to jump off a bridge. However, I give myself a little more freedom with her as a subject.
Bella is free to be written about since she is a child and the tribulations we go through are pretty much par for child rearing.
My marriage, though a wonderful thing and the love grows daily... off limits if not all positive.
Me. Well, I don't delve into some of my angry rants because I don't want to be called a Downer Debbie.
Friends are off limits, they hate being a subject unless it's all roses and sunshine.
See.
Not a lot left.
So this blog is dedicated to all the palpable things my readers can handle and want. I won't intrude with the real things too often, just the tips of the iceburgs on my mind.
Also, I write these at work and only a few minutes are spent thinking about and editing the words and ideas.
It's like training for a writing race. Maybe it will reward me one day.
Anyway, lots of luck to myself since I have really felt the boundaries (by crossing them) with this vehicle called a blog.

Bella and her Daddy

These days Bella clings to me like white on rice. If I'm around her daddy has to work for his affection. She is going through a phase and Tommy gets the brunt of it sometimes.

I try to remember the times when I wanted my mommy so much it hurt. But, my situation was different and my dad visited with me without my mom around so he was the sole affection provider for a time before he met my stepmother.

When I think of the affection I have for my dad now and since I can remember, it is totally different than that for my mother. He is the smartest, strongest man alive and he has certainly earned my respect and admiration. I listen closely to him when he speaks and I watch his non-verbals to read how he reacts to certain things. But I didn't share every intimate detail of my life with him, I went to my mom to talk and cry or complain.

Bottom line, I think he is being set up here. He is being set up for what life is like with a daughter. I know at this age there aren't too many details about Bella that he doesn't know but that will change. Life with her daddy will be a different world that sometimes coincides with her life with mommy.

Tommy has said that when I'm not around Bella behaves differently and for the most part better than she does for me when Tommy's not around. She patiently rides in carriages when out with Tommy and for me, she may sit for a while then screams and tries to jump out or swirls around and throws a fit. She rides in her car seat with a smile and talks or sings songs when with her daddy.

For the longest time I dreaded every trip, even the shortest ones, because she screeched at me for buckling her up.

Pleasant memories (shiver).

She has gotten better about being in the car with me. We have a lot more fun on trips and at stores than ever before. And, Tommy enjoys her very much even when she's denying him a kiss or hug. He still finds a way to steal it.

It's so sweet to see him vying for his girl's affection knowing that kiss is sweet enough to beg for.

He's right and I hope he never stops because as soon as he does, Bella will wonder why.

Hangin' it up

It's over. Me and my old cuter clothes no longer have a quality relationship. I still try to squeeze in them with little success and it's time I move on. But, like an immature child I yell "I don't wanna!" to myself. Huhhhhhhhhh.
I guess I will start maternity shopping even though all those clothes are too big and I feel awkward pulling on my pants all the time to make sure the tacky elastic bands aren't showing.
The bright side, a big healthy baby is thriving in there. I poke her and she pokes back. Soon I'm breaking out the classic music and headphones for her listening pleasure. I grin thinking of it because it seems so silly but I did it with Bella and she came out alert and curious.
Goodbye old body.

Happy Birthday Sweet Bella!

Dear Bella,

When you were born two years ago today our family rejoiced and wept with happiness. You graced us with the cute humor only new babies bring, you gave us depth to our love of each other and life. You were our first child and we immediately fell in love.
This day will always bring the memories of the hospital, your cute tiny features and the reality of parenthood that defines us these days.
I will never forget your father's face after you were born. His eyes filled up with tears and he laughed and kissed us, thankful for the moment and the health of us both. He counted your toes through the tears and comforted any fears of the unknown and let himself celebrate. We were on high.
I shook as I held you and tried to nurse you for the first time. You were so tiny and squishy and that it intimidated me.
The next few days we found out how strong of a person your daddy was and how weak a person the whole process made me. We watched you sleep and carefully cleaned you. And we missed you terribly when we had to leave you in the hospital without us because of jaundice. I sang the Chili's baby back ribs song to Grandma Racano because I wanted just that, my baby back.
Being a parent of a newborn is a spectrum of things but mostly it feels like magic. Every day is like Christmas.
You were perfect from the beginning and you are still an angel in our eyes.
You have natural beauty and you are sharp as a tack. You teach us things and make us want to wring the juice out of life.
Happy Birthday sweetie pie.
Your mommy and daddy love you more than you know. There has been no greater pleasure than spending these last two years with you.

Love, Mommy

(note: my spell check feature isn't working these days, so excuse any mistakes.)

Birthday Bella

Bella's birthday party was last weekend. She will be 2 tomorrow. Thanks to pure adrenaline, it went off without a hitch. Bella behaved and had a ball!

Tommy, as I mentioned, has tournaments this time of year and stays gone most of the weekend days and weeknights. Bella is showing her terrible 2 side about, oh, every thirty seconds. This was a party of approximately 25 people and I was over the moon stressed.

It all worked out. There happened to be no roofing done right before the party so no one got a roof nail in their tire or foot. The day was beautiful so the kids played outside on our construction site (attended of course.)

I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Good times.

Piture Post

Bella is modeling a halter top over a crew neck long sleeve shirt... new spring fashion in winter.
The addition to our house is moving right along... we are ecstatic about this and can't wait for our king sized bed and new bathroom.
The jacuzzi tub! This tub is going to be this pregnant lady's saving grace. Calgon... I need you.

Though we are over the top excited about the addition there seems to be a lot of unsettling things happening around me right now. There is an underlying sense of chaos. You see, we are having Bella's birthday party at our home this weekend and the new roof is scheduled for this week. Do you picture what I picture? Stray shingles, roof nails, construction site... unsettling. There's more than the construction and party going on in our home right now. Tommy's wrestling season is demanding since it's nearing state and national finals (Go Chargers!). And, I am trying to keep up with my whole family's expectations of me. This may seem vague and it is for a reason. I could go on. But, I won't.

My pregnant body #5

With 147 days to go I am enjoying being pregnant and I realize it will go by fast. I feel well for the most part, I'm not big yet and I can feel the precious movements every day and night. That feeling is a pregnancy high! I don't think we will be having any more children so I am trying to commit this all to memory and take advantage of the last 147 days. Bella is still the main attraction. She is in the cutest phase yet. She learns new words every minute and makes us laugh all the time. These are my good ole days, as my father says. And I am loving them.