Colder than a February Night

This past week I have gone to new heights of letting my mother know the anger I still carry for her and her decisions in the past. This monkey on my back is about to eat me alive. I want so much to get rid of it but still, I cannot. I am not proud of the way I speak to her, think of her or keep myself from her. After all I am her child, her original true love. Even after I realize all that, I still do not respect her or want to accept her just the way she is. This plagues me. So, I try. Sometimes I try to carry on conversations without thinking of all the anger and all the memories. She is one of the most giving people. She is artsy, bubbly, gentle and loving. She hurts when I hurt. But, when I begin to feel and regurgitate the depth of her actions through time, I feel nauseous and mad. I want to throw things and yell and tell her how she could have been so much different. She does not deal with issues well. Her brain is wired to keep her from being able to process all the damage she may have done.

poor hotmail

If hotmail has to support all the e-fights like I had with my mother today, then I feel sorry.
Miss Thang wants to run to Hawaii for 10 days and stay with god-knows-who in god-knows-where, on the dime of another.
Good thinkin', Mom.
Way to make those decisions. Risky, idealized decisions.
She's unreal.

Herstory

Her: When I was a little girl I dreamed of having to dig a hole to hide my whole family from the Japanese.
Me: What?
Her: We would have blackouts.
Me: Energy blackouts?
Her: NO dear, blackouts to keep them from bombing us. If they saw the lights from the town they knew where to drop the bomb. We had blackout curtains. You couldn't see any light through them... except maybe a sliver on the edges. There were police who walked around checking to make sure no light came through the slivers. If it did, you got fined.
Me: Whoa.
Her: It was a crazy time right after the depression. People still rationed food. Right before I was born people had to grow their own food.
Me: (thinking: I bet a lot of people starved.)
Her: People gathered scraps like metal.
Me: For money.
Her: NO to melt and re-use for themselves. It was so scarce.
Me: I need to ask more questions. This is fascinating.

We are so disconnected from what it's like to be hungry, scared and cold. Our grandparents are precious gems and while some of mine are still alive, I need to know what they know and hear it in their words to commit to memory.

What a treasure.

The third trimester

image from kidshealth.org

She is a BIG baby. She may not be big by the doctor's standards but on me she is huge. I love it. I feel her move to the gurgles of my stomach and when I cramp her womb by pressing oh-so-slightly on my belly, she wriggles. She is not only huge in size, she is huge in my life.

I read this morning that the third trimester brings daydreams and excitement about the baby's arrival and, true to form, I'm there.

My nerves are a little more settled than yesterday and the day before. Partly because I spent the night at Mom's instead of my house. Also, I do feel a sense of contentment and that everything's going to be okay.

So caught up!

I'm wrapped with worry and tension and emotion. Things that normally don't matter like floors and paint and glass are consuming me. I hate it. Construction is not for sissies.
God bless general contractors all over the world.
The addition to our house is proving to be hairy right here at the end. I handle minimal stress as it is but the stress that comes with having our home upside down is very unique.
I need to thank Tommy for loving me even though I freak out.
Thanks babe! I love you.

Where's the hexagon?

Bella said that when we were playing with one of my old shape sorting toys. Who knew she actually absorbed the (what we think) are more difficult lessons and words we throw her way. She is amazing, perceptive, super sweet and charming.
She's sick now too. The poor dear.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

We've got furniture.
For the first time Tommy and I have a real live bedroom set and master suite. The entire project is not quite finished but the room is really close. Wow! We love it. (Pics to come if I can remember the damn cord to plug into the computer, Gah!)

Also, the baby is getting bigger every day. I knew getting pregnant was going to be hard but this time it's harder. I'm still trying to enjoy it. I am really nervous about Bella's reaction to having a sister. It's a good thing we have 2+ months left. At least now I have the king bed!!!!

www.nomoresickness.com

I woke up last Thursday with that feeling. My face and neck were sore as another cold, or whatever it is took over. It took it's time too, making it seem as though I might be suffering from allergies for the first time in my life. Who knows? A lot of things go crazy when you're pregnant. I might have allergies all of the sudden.
Nope. Today the cough and chest congestion took over, leaving the annoying-ness of the stuffy nose and headache in second place.
Another cold with cough.
This makes, since I've been pregnant, the seventh time I've been sick.
2 stomach viruses, 1 sinus infection, and, at least, 4 colds.
NOT TO MENTION the sciatica, carpel tunnel, constipation, indigestion, ETC...
But, all in all I'm functional. I'm plugging along wondering what it was that used to keep me SO healthy for years at a time.
What I want is unattainable. I need to come to work in the morning, log on to the (imaginary) website, http://www.nomoresickness.com/, and get a daily dose of what to do to keep myself healthy, because I'm not doing very well on my own.