Reading Dawn's blog the past few weeks has sent me a reality check. The baby in her belly won't be hers much longer. The Lord will take him and she will be left with the feelings of emptiness and sorrow and pain where joy, life and love lived. This is painful for even me, a reader with no direct coorelation to the situation and I think about her. I put myself in her position because I too am 19 weeks pregnant. To wonder around a world that was so comfortable and beautiful and now it changes to foreign and painful is just horrible. The thought of me giving up my child in utero at this stage is crushing. My mind can't let itself go there and she has no choice.
God bless her, her husband and her daughter. This family will be rocked by their feelings for a while. I will remember them and their baby and hope that one day they don't see only an end but another beginning. This life is given to us for a reason and so was their son's.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Bathing in her light
My grandmother is visiting. Normally she stays with my mom and I only get to spend a few hours with her, but this time I have the pleasure of having her stay with me. Last night we talked about all the normal things we discuss; Bella, my pregnancy, the addition to the house and my mother's inadvertent way of ticking us off.
My grandmother has put up with my mother's illness a lot longer than I have. She blames herself. She thinks that somehow she is responsible and feels shame for her daughter. And it's just not so. She has other adult children who are totally different.
To give a mini-background, my mother can manipulate a cat. She has no way of making good decisions for herself and that bothers us. My mother is engaged for the 6th time! We are looking like a-holes because we are not excited, not even happy for her. Why get married AGAIN? My grandmother is angry with her feelings toward her own daughter and she kept repeating, "She deserves to have happiness." She deserves it she just doesn't know how to maintain it.
For all the people of the world who have a family member or multiple family members with borderline personality disorder it's not just hard... it's MADDENING!
My mom is such a talented person. She can be hilarious and warm and fun. But if you get her on the wrong day, week or even month, you're in for a ride of your life.
A BPD sufferers romantic relationships are like a whirlwind. They quickly fall into infatuation, move in together and plan a wedding. Then once they are married they have a level of expectation that is impossible to meet. Insatiable. They are not inherently happy and it shows when the wind settles. And worst of all their partner won't know they have BPD unless they are told.
My grandmother has help protect me since birth. She was there to put us up when my mother left every man. She helped my mom with money needs which means she kept food in my mouth and gave a place to live. She is a treasure, my light and my confidant.
She has given me a lot of the wisdom and confidence.
She loves her BPD daughter even after the winds settles and my mom used her for all she's worth. She's shown me true stick-to-itiveness, and I am forever grateful.
I am so proud to have her and know that she looks at me and thanks Jesus that her daughter didn't screw me up.
I will always be in debt to her.
My grandmother has put up with my mother's illness a lot longer than I have. She blames herself. She thinks that somehow she is responsible and feels shame for her daughter. And it's just not so. She has other adult children who are totally different.
To give a mini-background, my mother can manipulate a cat. She has no way of making good decisions for herself and that bothers us. My mother is engaged for the 6th time! We are looking like a-holes because we are not excited, not even happy for her. Why get married AGAIN? My grandmother is angry with her feelings toward her own daughter and she kept repeating, "She deserves to have happiness." She deserves it she just doesn't know how to maintain it.
For all the people of the world who have a family member or multiple family members with borderline personality disorder it's not just hard... it's MADDENING!
My mom is such a talented person. She can be hilarious and warm and fun. But if you get her on the wrong day, week or even month, you're in for a ride of your life.
A BPD sufferers romantic relationships are like a whirlwind. They quickly fall into infatuation, move in together and plan a wedding. Then once they are married they have a level of expectation that is impossible to meet. Insatiable. They are not inherently happy and it shows when the wind settles. And worst of all their partner won't know they have BPD unless they are told.
My grandmother has help protect me since birth. She was there to put us up when my mother left every man. She helped my mom with money needs which means she kept food in my mouth and gave a place to live. She is a treasure, my light and my confidant.
She has given me a lot of the wisdom and confidence.
She loves her BPD daughter even after the winds settles and my mom used her for all she's worth. She's shown me true stick-to-itiveness, and I am forever grateful.
I am so proud to have her and know that she looks at me and thanks Jesus that her daughter didn't screw me up.
I will always be in debt to her.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Surprise!!!!
Well, there was a bit of a shock at the ultrasound table today. It's the kind of surprise I like... It's a girl!!
We are on top of the world to have a healthy baby and a sister for Bella.
I, an only child, always wanted a sister to chat with, borrow clothes from and share the secrets of life with. My girlfriends are a big part of my world and for Bella there will be one right down the hall. It's a dream I had for myself and a blessing for Bella.
The reason we were so shocked is the last ultrasound showed a protrusion that the tech said could be a girl part that is swollen, but she said she would bet on it being a boy.
My husband and I made that bet, and like most of the bets I make, we were wrong.
A good wrong. But still the kind of wrong that makes you say, "Maybe we will have a number three to think about."
Tommy is rough and tumble. He wants to wrestle a son, be there to show him the ropes of manhood and I would love nothing more than to give that to him. We will always wonder what our son would be like. But, as it stands today, we have a lot to be thankful for, it is a miracle for our pocket (all the girl stuff we have, jeez) and we are ecstatic.
Victoria Ann, I can't wait to meet you!
We are on top of the world to have a healthy baby and a sister for Bella.
I, an only child, always wanted a sister to chat with, borrow clothes from and share the secrets of life with. My girlfriends are a big part of my world and for Bella there will be one right down the hall. It's a dream I had for myself and a blessing for Bella.
The reason we were so shocked is the last ultrasound showed a protrusion that the tech said could be a girl part that is swollen, but she said she would bet on it being a boy.
My husband and I made that bet, and like most of the bets I make, we were wrong.
A good wrong. But still the kind of wrong that makes you say, "Maybe we will have a number three to think about."
Tommy is rough and tumble. He wants to wrestle a son, be there to show him the ropes of manhood and I would love nothing more than to give that to him. We will always wonder what our son would be like. But, as it stands today, we have a lot to be thankful for, it is a miracle for our pocket (all the girl stuff we have, jeez) and we are ecstatic.
Victoria Ann, I can't wait to meet you!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
My pregnant body #4
Every day I grow a little bigger. I am so satisfied knowing that the little guy or girl is thriving inside me. I have a purpose and glow with pride. But I can't say there aren't moments when there is fear. Not about the health of the baby anymore but of what's to come. I had a mini breakdown Tuesday about our addition and the anxiety of construction. But, I feel sure it wasn't totally about that. I hate change that involves tears, angst, imagination and trust. I can't see the result until it's done and my mind gets carried away... and that translates over to adding a child to what has become familiar and comfortable. I know how hard it was with Bella and I saw that I can handle it but there will be two... and that terrifies me at this point. Bella is a wild little one with a ton of energy and I will be Bessy the milk maid and not so much of Polly the playmate. This has to be a normal thing that mothers go through. This doesn't plague me but I do think about it more and more as reality sets in.
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