I resist change... it's true. I am not anxiously awaiting fall at all. I want to continue thinking about beach trips only one month away and putting Bella's sundresses on every morning. I want to sweat while standing outside for five minutes and take afternoon naps when the heat is unbearable.
I felt the chill a couple of times already and I am aware that it's coming soon but I don't have to like it. For some reason I can only think about the frigid winter and I hate the frigid cold weather. Watermelons, meals outdoors and bare baby feet will only be pleasant memories and distant dreams.
However, I am excited to send Bella to her 3's class at school. And I am excited to see the colors the leaves turn and the fair and festivals happening in the coming months.
After that it's full on holiday season. It's weird to think of holiday shopping and sweaters, leafless trees and brown grass when a drive to the store produces enough sweat that I have to shower twice a day.
I am preparing in small ways to make the change more acceptable. I bought a Yankee Candle Pumpkin Spice wafer to burn.
Hopefully the change happens slowly since we have one more beach trip to make. I love warm September days since by birthday is there toward the end. I suppose God knew what He was doing when He planned my birthday. Anything helps when I think of ending summer and having to accept the change.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Gone too soon
What is it that gets one through hard times? Is it denial, or ignorance; or is it just compartmentalizing the pain and letting it out in time over years with periods of happiness in between?
I never feel more uncomfortable than when I am told that someone suffered a loss of a child. I never know if my brain would really know how to handle that if it were me. I feel vulnerable, yet sickeningly lucky, at the same time. It makes me feel weak, and selfish, and young.
I have never lost someone extremely close to me. I did lose my 2 great-grandmothers, whom I grew less acquainted with, in my 20's. (Now, I don't feel that young when write "my 20's.")
My children are extensions of me. In my mind they require me to control every aspect of their days and nights, so I see them as a physical part of me that sleeps in another room. They are me and I am them and I feel what they feel....for now anyway.
But, if I were to lose them, I would not have a part of myself anymore. My world would be broken and incomplete and dark. I would sit at the grave (chills) and read them bedtime stories. I would make their plate for dinner. I would sleep with the things that they slept with, until I felt right about the gaping hole in my reality. Parents and loved ones would not be a huge comfort to me for some time, and I would probably tick off everyone who reached out to hold me. I am not too cuddly under emotional stress.
I am truly sorry for the loss of Charlotte Rendine. I never met her, but I saw her mother pregnant with her while we were on a trip out west to meet some of Tommy's close college friends. She was cherished from conception. She died the other day from the brain cancer she battled for years. She had so many tumors the doctors could not put her on chemotherapy without compromising her 6-year-old quality of life. Now, she's gone.
Like pages in a book, days will go by, and then her parents will bury their first born child. They kept the strength for their young family with help from all sides. Now they're left reeling in the wake of their loss.
Her name and body will mark a place on Earth as her life and spirit made a place in her family's heart. God bless her family and may He hold them in His arms while they grieve over His angel.
She is simply gone too soon.
I never feel more uncomfortable than when I am told that someone suffered a loss of a child. I never know if my brain would really know how to handle that if it were me. I feel vulnerable, yet sickeningly lucky, at the same time. It makes me feel weak, and selfish, and young.
I have never lost someone extremely close to me. I did lose my 2 great-grandmothers, whom I grew less acquainted with, in my 20's. (Now, I don't feel that young when write "my 20's.")
My children are extensions of me. In my mind they require me to control every aspect of their days and nights, so I see them as a physical part of me that sleeps in another room. They are me and I am them and I feel what they feel....for now anyway.
But, if I were to lose them, I would not have a part of myself anymore. My world would be broken and incomplete and dark. I would sit at the grave (chills) and read them bedtime stories. I would make their plate for dinner. I would sleep with the things that they slept with, until I felt right about the gaping hole in my reality. Parents and loved ones would not be a huge comfort to me for some time, and I would probably tick off everyone who reached out to hold me. I am not too cuddly under emotional stress.
I am truly sorry for the loss of Charlotte Rendine. I never met her, but I saw her mother pregnant with her while we were on a trip out west to meet some of Tommy's close college friends. She was cherished from conception. She died the other day from the brain cancer she battled for years. She had so many tumors the doctors could not put her on chemotherapy without compromising her 6-year-old quality of life. Now, she's gone.
Like pages in a book, days will go by, and then her parents will bury their first born child. They kept the strength for their young family with help from all sides. Now they're left reeling in the wake of their loss.
Her name and body will mark a place on Earth as her life and spirit made a place in her family's heart. God bless her family and may He hold them in His arms while they grieve over His angel.
She is simply gone too soon.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Catching up
I have let down my precious second daughter by not writing more about her and her development. Tori, I am so sorry and I hope to make up for it in this blog soon!
She is sooo different from Bella. She started walking later (late 10th month,) she babbled sooner (with none of the grunting that Bella loved to do,) and she has a wonderful playmate (lately) that Bella didn't get because she was the first. Bella has had her bumps in the road of learning how to be the big sis'. But, now she seems to listen and understand that Tori is a person with feelings and she can't snatch everything away from her because she's (slightly) smaller. Tori says certain words when she wants to like, a-bane (airplane), oggie (doggie), and ba (ball). She loves her "Little Angel" dolly from Wal-Mart, I've seriously considered buying another one to have as a spare in case she loses this one. She loves to bit the feet. I need to post more pics but, I'm lucky to get as much done as I do now.
Tori is a sponge and I feel like I should be buying flash cards to enrich her into a genius, but that effort goes out of my head almost as soon as I think of it.
Bella would benefit from that too I might add. She has really blossomed lately. She recognizes most numbers and letters. She asks great questions. She even draws circles and stick figures (after watching me do it since that's all I can do).
She loves to play pretend especially while she's supposed to be napping! I hope her nap time isn't going away, I truly love that time to myself.
Bot the girls eat really well. I had to put my foot down about a few issues Bella was having at the dinner table and other times when she wants to make a scene. She really responds well to discipline and listens when she knows there are consequences. I have a feeling year 4 for her may be really challenging for me. Man, I hope I can handle it!
Tori is still pretty easy. She wants to go out the door if it's open and throws a fit for what she wants. She's really strong and feisty sometimes and really smiley and cuddly other times. She's is a head turner. Everywhere we go she gets a compliment on her eyes. They really are gorgeous and remind me of my mother's. She is a gorgeous baby. She looks so much like Tommy when he was small.
Bella's hair is the color of honey with blond streaks. It's so funny to see my girls, each with one light feature like my mother. Weird.
I am feeling very adventurous ( which is also weird because I have still have shoulder pain like crazy) and we are going to drive to the beach, just us girls. We will meet Leslie and Ashlyn there and only stay for a couple of days. I pray that it goes the way I hope.
I am also having a small yard sale in the morning in hopes to fund the trip and this is no small feat. I really am not being very organized about it at all. I needed to have done a few more things to prepare! But, I am feeling adventurous so I may as well go with it. This is a great contrast from my "oh, we can't possibly go anywhere today, it's just too much work" mentality.
We mostly stay home or go to the local parks. Sometimes we swim, but that is short-lived with a one-year-old. She still naps in the morning and afternoon. Bella really could have gone to the Summer pre-school program for better entertainment. But, I thought we would have no problem. Goes to show you what I know about that.
Bella will go back to school September 8th. I can't believe it's almost here, I feel like it's still May.
I hope I caught up on some of the key events going on around here.
She is sooo different from Bella. She started walking later (late 10th month,) she babbled sooner (with none of the grunting that Bella loved to do,) and she has a wonderful playmate (lately) that Bella didn't get because she was the first. Bella has had her bumps in the road of learning how to be the big sis'. But, now she seems to listen and understand that Tori is a person with feelings and she can't snatch everything away from her because she's (slightly) smaller. Tori says certain words when she wants to like, a-bane (airplane), oggie (doggie), and ba (ball). She loves her "Little Angel" dolly from Wal-Mart, I've seriously considered buying another one to have as a spare in case she loses this one. She loves to bit the feet. I need to post more pics but, I'm lucky to get as much done as I do now.
Tori is a sponge and I feel like I should be buying flash cards to enrich her into a genius, but that effort goes out of my head almost as soon as I think of it.
Bella would benefit from that too I might add. She has really blossomed lately. She recognizes most numbers and letters. She asks great questions. She even draws circles and stick figures (after watching me do it since that's all I can do).
She loves to play pretend especially while she's supposed to be napping! I hope her nap time isn't going away, I truly love that time to myself.
Bot the girls eat really well. I had to put my foot down about a few issues Bella was having at the dinner table and other times when she wants to make a scene. She really responds well to discipline and listens when she knows there are consequences. I have a feeling year 4 for her may be really challenging for me. Man, I hope I can handle it!
Tori is still pretty easy. She wants to go out the door if it's open and throws a fit for what she wants. She's really strong and feisty sometimes and really smiley and cuddly other times. She's is a head turner. Everywhere we go she gets a compliment on her eyes. They really are gorgeous and remind me of my mother's. She is a gorgeous baby. She looks so much like Tommy when he was small.
Bella's hair is the color of honey with blond streaks. It's so funny to see my girls, each with one light feature like my mother. Weird.
I am feeling very adventurous ( which is also weird because I have still have shoulder pain like crazy) and we are going to drive to the beach, just us girls. We will meet Leslie and Ashlyn there and only stay for a couple of days. I pray that it goes the way I hope.
I am also having a small yard sale in the morning in hopes to fund the trip and this is no small feat. I really am not being very organized about it at all. I needed to have done a few more things to prepare! But, I am feeling adventurous so I may as well go with it. This is a great contrast from my "oh, we can't possibly go anywhere today, it's just too much work" mentality.
We mostly stay home or go to the local parks. Sometimes we swim, but that is short-lived with a one-year-old. She still naps in the morning and afternoon. Bella really could have gone to the Summer pre-school program for better entertainment. But, I thought we would have no problem. Goes to show you what I know about that.
Bella will go back to school September 8th. I can't believe it's almost here, I feel like it's still May.
I hope I caught up on some of the key events going on around here.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Lovely Girls
Little girls are beads and bows,
painted toes,
dresses, hearts and hats.
Their soft, sweet skin,
bright, wide grin
loving touch and kiss
make every adorable moment one you're glad you didn't miss.
Heaven knew
the impact you
would make on every one you met.
Now, I can't wait for each new day
to watch you grow into your best yet.
painted toes,
dresses, hearts and hats.
Their soft, sweet skin,
bright, wide grin
loving touch and kiss
make every adorable moment one you're glad you didn't miss.
Heaven knew
the impact you
would make on every one you met.
Now, I can't wait for each new day
to watch you grow into your best yet.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
108 days and counting
It's been 108 days since I became a SAHM. In the beginning, I was in disbelief that I was so lucky to be waking up every morning for the sole purpose of caring for our girls. I still marvel at that simple fact. Now, the novelty comes and goes.
After the initial novelty I found my groove in a daily routine. I made sure all went smoothly and everyone was entertained as much as possible. I thought I conquered the job and I was officially a professional mom.
Now, I see a new dawn emerging. There needs to be a balance. I must include myself as a socially functioning 30-year-old in my weekly plan. I have all but cut out my gym visits. I have no "dates" with my husband, however, we try very hard to stay connected and communicate as much as possible. I don't write very often. However, I have been able to start reading more (now that I've figured out the library book layout at the library) which makes me very happy. It's an escape, for sure!!
That's what I need... an escape. I need a ballet class, or a meditation session or something to recharge my proverbial "me" battery.
Today, like many other days this summer, the girls and I went to the pool. We played, I watched the girls try to swim, and it was nice. It was nice because I was out of the house with my girls and we were able to go to a place that I wasn't responsible for cleaning and we could just "be".
But, as I laid awake tonight in my bed, I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to swim. I have been in a pool numerous times and, for some strange reason, I refuse to swim.
I just want to let go and do some laps. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until I forget where I am. I want to pretend I am in my parents above ground pool in the 1990's ducking under the water, eyes open, belly almost touching the bottom.
I want to graze my hand over the dip from the shallow end to the deep end feeling the liner laying over the lumpy earth.
I want to lay on the bottom of that pool and linger, as I did as a teeager and consider almost nothing while doing so.
I need to loosen up.
The girls don't need to know that Mommy needs less responsibility today. They don't deserve the frustrated me that surprises them in my fits of anger over the 7th poop in the tub this month, or the three-peat pattern Bella has adopted when communicating about almost anything. They deserve the best and I feel waaaaay less than perfect lately.
I hope they know I try hard every day to be a little less tense. Some days are better than others though, that's for sure.
Most days may not be filled with magic or mystery but I hope they see that I try to fill them with niceties and love.
Meanwhile, I need to strike a balance. I need to get my shoulders away from my ears and have a drink... without them.
I could try to do some laps and put myself back on the list soon. It will do us all good. I've said it before, I would not trade this time for anything! But, I may want to add a little to it and make it more pleasant for all.
After the initial novelty I found my groove in a daily routine. I made sure all went smoothly and everyone was entertained as much as possible. I thought I conquered the job and I was officially a professional mom.
Now, I see a new dawn emerging. There needs to be a balance. I must include myself as a socially functioning 30-year-old in my weekly plan. I have all but cut out my gym visits. I have no "dates" with my husband, however, we try very hard to stay connected and communicate as much as possible. I don't write very often. However, I have been able to start reading more (now that I've figured out the library book layout at the library) which makes me very happy. It's an escape, for sure!!
That's what I need... an escape. I need a ballet class, or a meditation session or something to recharge my proverbial "me" battery.
Today, like many other days this summer, the girls and I went to the pool. We played, I watched the girls try to swim, and it was nice. It was nice because I was out of the house with my girls and we were able to go to a place that I wasn't responsible for cleaning and we could just "be".
But, as I laid awake tonight in my bed, I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to swim. I have been in a pool numerous times and, for some strange reason, I refuse to swim.
I just want to let go and do some laps. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until I forget where I am. I want to pretend I am in my parents above ground pool in the 1990's ducking under the water, eyes open, belly almost touching the bottom.
I want to graze my hand over the dip from the shallow end to the deep end feeling the liner laying over the lumpy earth.
I want to lay on the bottom of that pool and linger, as I did as a teeager and consider almost nothing while doing so.
I need to loosen up.
The girls don't need to know that Mommy needs less responsibility today. They don't deserve the frustrated me that surprises them in my fits of anger over the 7th poop in the tub this month, or the three-peat pattern Bella has adopted when communicating about almost anything. They deserve the best and I feel waaaaay less than perfect lately.
I hope they know I try hard every day to be a little less tense. Some days are better than others though, that's for sure.
Most days may not be filled with magic or mystery but I hope they see that I try to fill them with niceties and love.
Meanwhile, I need to strike a balance. I need to get my shoulders away from my ears and have a drink... without them.
I could try to do some laps and put myself back on the list soon. It will do us all good. I've said it before, I would not trade this time for anything! But, I may want to add a little to it and make it more pleasant for all.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
These days we're....
Finding any reason to wear bathing suits, hanging out with family and friends when we can, and trying to keep the little ones busy while in and around the house.
It's been a great summer so far. I am excited for Bella to go back to school for the art and games with friends, but I don't want to wish this incredible time away.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Impact
I am not a fanatic and I don't own his paraphernalia but, I can define some moments of my life with his music. Michael Jackson will be buried today and the world media's eyes are on his memorial. I too am at home watching it with teary eyes.
His existence is unforgettable. I met his music at the early age in dance class during recital rehearsals to perform a 5-year-old version of "Thriller".
What a sight.
Twenty 5-year-olds in old lady dresses (as if we were the walking dead) carrying old lady purses, stomping in time toward the front of the stage during the crescendo. We were definitely not the only crew moved to perform because of the greatest hits by Michael Jackson.
Another memory comes back to me from when I was ten and I borrowed my mother's cassette tape to listen to MJ on my new Walkman. I bopped around and memorized every word to every song (whilst desperately trying to figure out what "Shamon" meant) then my appreciation and love for pop music was born.
In high school "Black or White" came out and the racial barriers were challenged for the youth as they were. Was it necessary to perpetuate the hate when the stars of our generation were mixtures of all races? Certainly not.
The final memory that will always be with me came when I diapered a feisty Bella. The first song I sang to her was the first one that popped into my head when she would cry during diaper changes. "Rockin Robin" was light and entertaining and it was the most youthful tune I could produce as my kid song repertoire was not yet developed. Bella loved it and, frankly, so did I.
I will not miss the controversial Michael Jackson. My life will not be different at all. But, there will never be another MJ. And, I will always appreciate his music and remember his impact on my musical life (as small as it may seem), and the changes he made to the way people should think of one another.
His existence is unforgettable. I met his music at the early age in dance class during recital rehearsals to perform a 5-year-old version of "Thriller".
What a sight.
Twenty 5-year-olds in old lady dresses (as if we were the walking dead) carrying old lady purses, stomping in time toward the front of the stage during the crescendo. We were definitely not the only crew moved to perform because of the greatest hits by Michael Jackson.
Another memory comes back to me from when I was ten and I borrowed my mother's cassette tape to listen to MJ on my new Walkman. I bopped around and memorized every word to every song (whilst desperately trying to figure out what "Shamon" meant) then my appreciation and love for pop music was born.
In high school "Black or White" came out and the racial barriers were challenged for the youth as they were. Was it necessary to perpetuate the hate when the stars of our generation were mixtures of all races? Certainly not.
The final memory that will always be with me came when I diapered a feisty Bella. The first song I sang to her was the first one that popped into my head when she would cry during diaper changes. "Rockin Robin" was light and entertaining and it was the most youthful tune I could produce as my kid song repertoire was not yet developed. Bella loved it and, frankly, so did I.
I will not miss the controversial Michael Jackson. My life will not be different at all. But, there will never be another MJ. And, I will always appreciate his music and remember his impact on my musical life (as small as it may seem), and the changes he made to the way people should think of one another.
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